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For a Star Wars rip off that features prominent bikinis I want to take a moment to remember my favorite ( and possibly only) Star Wars fact I know thanks to Carrie Fisher's fantastic book Wishful Drinking. Apparently George Lucas thinks space is an underwear free zone because "you go to space and you become weightless...But then your body expands??? But your bra doesn't — so you get strangled by your own bra." (This might be my favorite of many amazing parts of Wishful Drinking). Carrie wrote that was how she wanted her obituary to read. Drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra. I still think about that line sometimes because it's just so utterly Carrie.

Maybe this movie was what Lucille was talking about.

The Count came so close to nailing his protection plan for his ultimate weapon of doom with the two levels of defense. Level 1 is some sort of psychic space monster that can destroy the minds of every person aboard any approaching ship and are so effective that even robots succumb to their attack. Only someone like Akton who has whatever power or ability is convenient to the plot at that moment can make it through their defense. Level 2 is some cave men. So an A for the concept but a C- on the execution of the idea.

Yes, Akton’s Dollar General brand lightsaber was offensive, but I had far more issues with the weapon Stella Star wielded for the majority of the movie. It was essentially an entire rifle made out of a bayonet. The logistics of firing such a weapon are beyond me. It seems to me as soon as you pulled the trigger, the recoil would slice your space fingers right the fuck off. (I could post a screen shot, but this image is far better.)

My urologist, he slip. When he snip, he rip my tip.

People who aren’t croissant bakers knead not a ply.

The space master of the house?

But who shall space dream a dream for us?

Then look down and call me space Javert!

I don't know if this is purely a phone issue but I still can't like things! If everyone who wrote something useful or funny could pretend I liked it, I'd appreciate it.

Yes, but space Jean Valjean might also be in there because he stole space bread for his family. How do you feel about that?

I don't feel bad at all for those people and you know why? They were not innocent. She's working at a penal labour camp which means presumably all the other people their working were other criminals as well. Least we forget at the start of the movie Stella is a straight up criminal running away from the space police. That couple she talks to looks nice but who is to say they didn't space murder their children? I mean I doubt space is beyond white collar prisons so if they had done something as harmless as space embezzling they wouldn't be doing hard labour. To be sentenced to work like a slave I image your crime would have to be as big as evading arrest and smuggling and robbery like Stella. So while those prisoner's died in her escape and the death of any alien or human life is sad, these people's backstory is unknown and maybe they shouldn't have been saved.

WELL IT DOUBLE POSTED THIS FOR ME EVERYONE PLEASE IGNORE

I'd like to discuss the temperature on the ice planet. As Stella and Elle are about to go to the surface of the planet; Akton tells them to hurry because once the Sun sets the temperature will drop thousands of degrees. THIS IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Let's assume the planet is similar to the climate of Antarctica. Average Temperature on Antarctica ranges from -76 Farenheit (or -60 Celsius/or 213 Kelvin) to 14 Farenheit(or -10 Celsius/or 263 Kelvin). The coldest possible temperature acheivable, anywhere in the universe, also referred to as Absolute Zero, is -459 Farenheit (or -273 Celsius/or 0 Kelvin). Meaning, at -76 Farenheit, it is not physically possible for the temperature to drop more than about 400 degrees on the Farenheit scale. Now, it is possible for temperatures to change by thousands of degrees. Let's say the surface temperature of a given planet is 2,000 Farenheit(or 1093 Celsius/or 1366 Kelvin), it would be possible for the temperature to drop another 2459 degrees (on the Farenheit scale in this instance). I think we can all agree, though, if the surface temperature was 2,000 Farenheit(or 1093 Celsius/or 1366 Kelvin), our heroes would not only be incinerated, but a planet of that temperature would not be covered in ice but would instead resemble Venus (a planet experiencing a runaway greenhouse effect). So, unless they're using an entirely differenct temperature scale (which is not introduced), this movie just doesn't make sense. Just because of that one fact, though. Rest of the movie is on-point!

LACI MOSLEY (host of Scam Goddess) helps The Boys with their own scams.

The Boys need a new poster! Least you can do since they’re keeping the lights on at Earwolf.