Colfax McLiverneck

My angry garbage-dwelling puppet friend has a first name, it’s O S C A R

She sold seashells by the seashore until Shoshana’s Seaside Sundry Shack and Souvenir Shoppe subverted her scheme by short-selling shinier seashells at substantial savings.

My bologna has an unfortunate first name, it’s A D O L F

It’s Doctor Shartknickers. I didn’t go to school for eight years to be called Mister Shartknickers.

Ain’t no party like a blue-faced monkey party cause a blue-faced monkey party is mandrilltory.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Fart, and the world laughs at you.

I don’t care what your state motto is, Missouri—I’m not showing you my third nipple.

Here at Comedy Bang Bang, we have an LMNOpen-door policy.

Ain’t no party like a double-negative party cause a double-negative party don’t have no end.

Mormon murder. Merman mordor. There’s got to be a catchphrase in there somewhere.

There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s money.

There once was a man from Corntucket whose cob was so long he could shuck it.

If I’ve said “if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times” a thousand times, then I’ve said it a million times.

If life gives you lemonade, then you really don’t need those lemons. Can I have them?

Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al. James Al.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray your mom my nips to tweak

One potato two potato three potato why the fuck are we counting potatoes?

Keep your pants on, ladies of France.

Sergei Prokofiev. Ranch dressing. The geographic center of Nebraska. Coincidence? I think not.

I do not like spam, spam, spam, spam, green eggs and spam.

Froggy went a courtin’ and he did ride your mom. Uh huh

I got a problem locating my cattle in the dark, and the only prescription is more cowbells.

Three-cheek butt got two holes. It’s simple math, Linda.

Acorn squash. Mount Doom. A number 1 screwdriver. Coincidence? I think not.

Nobody out-Jabbas the Hut.