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Colfax McLiverneck

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Everything posted by Colfax McLiverneck

  1. How much lemonade would a tardigrade fabricate if a tardigrade could fabricate lemonade?
  2. Boy the way Glenn Miller played / Songs that made the hit parade / His plane fell in a fusillade / And shaaaaaaarks ate his face
  3. Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in control of the rights to Africa any more.
  4. Never look a left-handed gift moth in the mouth.
  5. A horse is a horse is a horse of course, unless it’s a morse horse, and then it’s a •••• – – – • – • ••• •
  6. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of motorcycle ramps, I shall fear no Knievel.
  7. I came here to crack corn and not care, and I’m all out of corn.
  8. Coming soon to a theater near you: “Con Air 2: Corn Air”, starring Nicornlas Cage, John Cornsack, and John Malcornvich
  9. What’s the deal with corn mazes? No, seriously, what’s the deal? I’ve never been to one.
  10. I’d give an arm and a leg to have just two arms and two legs like a regular person.
  11. A single yodel proceeds into the corn-pelting line, followed many humbler parachute tattoos.
  12. On today’s show, we’ll be leveraging our comedy bandwidth to align core competencies, synergize best practices, and ideate platform onboarding with in-house shareholders and crowdsourced tent slingers.
  13. I slang my tent my tent I slung upon my sling-ed tent I come.
  14. Well my woman she done left me, took my truck and my dog / Welllll my woman she done left me, she run off with my truck and my dog / Lawd I knew some pain was comin’, cause I been slayin’ strange tang all night long
  15. The yaks attacked before Jack’s snack, and with one smack he was whacked, packed into a rucksack, and stacked in the shack out back.
  16. I like to start off my Monday morning with a nice hot bowl of Corny Bangs—the delicious and nutritious wet-packed, hair-infused breakfast gruel that jumpstarts your day with an incapacitating session of compulsive retching!
  17. Next on the docket: Podcast Listeners versus Comedy Bang Bang. Summary: Despite unambiguous and boldly-stated titular claims, the show offers little Comedy and no Bang.
  18. When I was a child, I spake as a child; but when I became a man, I still spake as a child, and I got fired from my job as a bank teller because I was freaking everybody the fuck out.
  19. Here at Comedy Bang Bang, we have a “shut the fuck door” policy.
  20. Never look a gift cat in the butthole.
  21. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there can be no doubt that this man—Jimmy—did indeed crack corn. But the question you must answer now is this: Do you care?
  22. Wakey wakey, amniotic fluid of unborn chicken and slices of fried intelligent mammal!
  23. When the moon hits your eye like an intangible asset incrementally devalued over a defined time period, that’s amore-tization.
  24. The types of sacks: grocery and ball. That is all.
  25. On today’s show, it’s Penelope Pepperberg the polygamous pelican from Palermo and her persnickety puppies Pablo and Pinkerton!
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