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About CaptPukeFish

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    I’m famous behind the paywall
  • Birthday 04/09/1981

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  1. The ass cheeks of the vampire. The crack of the bat.
  2. Didn’t notice your crotch omelette, now I’m the one with egg on my face.
  3. runner up to numb chucks monthly chunker of the month club.
  4. Here I am world. I shaved it just for you.
  5. I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’ll be the first to admit it’s made for an awkward first date.
  6. I’m sick of being looked at as just some lovecraftian object. It’s like, hey man, my eyes are up here, sewn into the tits growing out of my neck.
  7. Taste what I did to my skin for you.
  8. A watched pot never boils? Tell that to my blind uncle sal. May he Rest In Peace. I can still feel his skin. Anyway happy birthday everybody.
  9. CaptPukeFish

    Eat lead. Not war

    Eat lead. Not war
  10. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should throw parties. Sexy naked parties, so your reclusive, elderly, catchphrase-submitting neighbor can feel alive again.
  11. Mama didn’t raise no coward, but she did raise a herd of cows, and those things scare the shit outta me.
  12. A man. A plan. A canal. Panama. And that mans name? Alvin Einstein.
  13. The doctor was a woman on Dr. Woman, premiering last year on TV.
  14. You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to beat me. So if you don’t like mornings or the act of physically beating another human being for money, this isn’t the job for you.
  15. This is where we separate the men from the boys. This is where we combine the men and the boys. And over here is where the leftover pieces of the men and boys are disposed of.