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About CaptPukeFish

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    I’m famous behind the paywall
  • Birthday 04/09/1981

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  1. God never closes a door, like a real asshole.
  2. You can do the hokey pokey and then turn yourself around, or you can do the chokey strokey, grab your belt and go to pound town.
  3. One if by land two if by sea three by Nantucket, and four in the stink
  4. And coming in at number one with a bullet, here’s “Shooting at my piss”.
  5. The ass cheeks of the vampire. The crack of the bat.
  6. Didn’t notice your crotch omelette, now I’m the one with egg on my face.
  7. runner up to numb chucks monthly chunker of the month club.
  8. Here I am world. I shaved it just for you.
  9. I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’ll be the first to admit it’s made for an awkward first date.
  10. I’m sick of being looked at as just some lovecraftian object. It’s like, hey man, my eyes are up here, sewn into the tits growing out of my neck.
  11. Taste what I did to my skin for you.
  12. A watched pot never boils? Tell that to my blind uncle sal. May he Rest In Peace. I can still feel his skin. Anyway happy birthday everybody.
  13. CaptPukeFish

    Eat lead. Not war

    Eat lead. Not war
  14. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should throw parties. Sexy naked parties, so your reclusive, elderly, catchphrase-submitting neighbor can feel alive again.
  15. Mama didn’t raise no coward, but she did raise a herd of cows, and those things scare the shit outta me.