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Pure Guava

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Pure Guava last won the day on September 5

Pure Guava had the most liked content!

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About Pure Guava

  • Rank
    This is actually Adam Scott, Hollywood Bad Boy
  • Birthday 04/03/1973

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Profile Information

  • Location
    Adam Scott's house, usually.
  • Favorite Earwolf Podcast
    Hangin with My lovely wife Naomi, reading Harry Potter to my kids, listening to U2, REM, and if I need to change my vibe? Drop some choice Dead shows (1972 for mellowing me out after kicking Hollywood's ass, 1977 for getting me revved up and ready to kick Hollywood's ass again). then it's time for some straight chillin' round the way, Santa Cruz style, ya know? Puffin' hooters, chewing boomers and making tie-dye shirts for my Dad's friends, then at sunset head down to my church, which you might know as the beach, but for us Cruz Cruisers AKA the Boardwalk Bunch AKA the SCBOYZ it's known as church, not the beach. So church bells ring and I open my eyes to discover I'm kneeling in front of an altar boy not a blue foamy crusher that's when I realize I went to an actual church, not the beach, which is known as church to me, but instead of hitting the gnar-gnar water ladders with my 8ft soft-top boogie board (ages 12-up only, I don't play around with that kiddie stuff, that stuff that is for kids) custom spray painted to have the original poster art for The Lost Boys but my head airbrushed over that dude from Bill and Ted that's not Keanu because that's why I got into pretending to be other people in front of cameras, to meet remake Lost Boys with the same cast except not-Keanu and I guess another reason I slyly waited until now to smirk at you knowingly, pull my sun shades down my nostril middle and I turn to the camera I envision everywhere I go at all times " I heard you can make some pretty big paychecks, we're talking BOO-KOO-DOLL-ORR-AYS BROOOOOSSS"

Recent Profile Visitors

6350 profile views
  1. You haven't had authentic street food until the powder from your pulverized teeth makes you sneeze bile mixed w/ the bits of undigested asphalt from the street you authentically turned into food.
  2. Just wait until you read this, it's going to blow your mind while simultaneously sticking a finger 2 knuckles deep into your sense of awe: Sure, everyone knows that Charlemagne was crowned Emperor of the West by Pope Leo II but does everyone know that Leo and Charlie-Magnets* each had a secretary? No. Hold the applause and zip up your pants because that wasn't it, that wasn't even "tip of a pinky" awe-inspiring. Now get ready to pull down your zippers with good reason because Pope Leo's secretary's name? Wedgemore Lincorn Korneddy. BOOM! Finger in the light socket shocking, right? Well that's just the half of it, so get your fingers ready to pull down your butt zippers because Charlemagne's secretary's name? Lincorn John Corncy Adams Korneddy. Mic dropped. On your balls. The Illuminati just got a little Illumi-naughty. *What his friends called him because nobody knew how to pronounce or spell Charlemagne and because he was a notorious close talker, like nose to nose no matter what the situation and a weird inclination to lean his pelvis towards you slightly and hold the awkward posture for the remainder of the conversation no matter how long it went. The theory is C-Mags (what his pen pals called him), was attempting a power move, unfortunately the strain on his face to keep his spine in a backwards question mark made people laugh at him more than they already did for having the name Charlemagne, in fact, they would make bets on who could keep Chucky-Magazine (what his harem calls him because of his habit of keeping magazines around to read to the girls during any lulls in the nightly wine orgy) talking the longest; records show the amount of money changing hands during a CHARMAN OF THE BOARDS (what his P.R. guru insisted the media call him which they did because of the beheading penalty for failure to comply was quite persuasive)
  3. 3 weeks later I see this reply? Me and Snobby Hill could have been best friends by now, bonding over Pure Guava (Ween record, not legendary catchphrase bad boy, although they both are the best at what they do: Pure Guava best at being a Ween album, Pure Guava best at being a Ween album sliding incognito into an echo at being a Ween album nobody will ever know at being a Ween album how I just disappeared at being a Ween album Into thin air ween album ween album ween al ween wee we w v
  4. It's smart to have a wolf on the air on Airwolf occasionally to keep morale up and to scare those weak members of the staff whose hearts are made of warrior stem cells because they were out sick the day Drainmont and ZIggy and Steven Curries came by with some bone marrow for Hearswolves podcasting to ingest in ceremony of the elders to meld the hearts of Warsiorrs to the hearts of pasty inside people to help each over come deficiencies that only stem cells and Native Magik spells twisted together in some freaky scene of old meets new can truly overcome. Now Stephens Curtsey can shoot 3 points AND do character work and crack wise alongside PFT. Now Chief Kevins can dunk on roommate AND be awkward still no change bad example. Anyways, hey Headgum, better get that podcast basketball trophy a nice shiny cleaning because my boys at ErrorWaffle half Golden State, half Timberwolves (literally not Kevin Garnett's old team), and half funny as you. You going to go down on the court like your ratings off the court. Oooohhhh burn with no facts or figures to back it up those are the worst kind of burn because everyone pays attention to the burn not you trying to explain your market share after everyone's scattered to the winds, dandelion I mean dandewolf-style
  5. Anyone screaming at a Men At Work concert weren't taking the band's name seriously. Does Colin Hay go to yr' pizza parlor and scream at you as you-ah tryin-to-ah-make-uh-duh-pizza-PIE? No, he doesn't. He just asks for a slice, extra Vegemite please.
  6. You know when you wake up on a beach naked except for blood that's not yours, try to retrace your steps but find quickly that's a bad idea that's when the sirens approach which reminds you you're a cop, they're here to drive you to the evidence locker for round 2.
  7. If this catchphrase is on the Comedy Bang-Bang I wanted to let Mama know that this proves I ain't a dumb-dumb that can't follow directions, I found the website, typed my funny words, hit the correct button to submit, now I'm going to use my manners and say thank you to Mr. Earwolf, ain't you proud of me Mama?
  8. Hey, Marky Bestman, just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your last catchphrase, reading it has pried open what I believe to be my first sexual fetish and am now awaiting for my 130 ton shipping container full of Skippy's creamiest (I'm usually a Jif man, flavor-wise but this isn't going in my mouth and besides, Skippy offered free shipping and even threw in a beach towel, picture attached).
  9. They think they so sly, but they is mistaking because they isn't. The ones who add the sneaky blink-and-you'll-miss-it hip thrust at the same time as their inappropriate lyric switcheroo should have their innards fed to hungry jackyls while they are still alive and then kill them. And then kill the jackyls because our added punishment for the thrusters is a recipe for a zombie dog apocalypse if I ever did hear one. Better safe than half eaten, roaming the world for decades as a half-jackyl, half-pervert mumbling the wrong Van Halen lyrics in between ripping the ribs out of a scared orphan to satiate your primal urge for the warm blood those living things hoard like oil on Mad Max World. LOOK WHAT DESECRATING DAVID LEE ROTH's HOLY SCRIPTURE HAS BEGOTTEN YOU, YOU GODLESS PARASITE-RIDDEN KARAOKE BEFOULING WORM STUB OF A MAN
  10. To me, capital punishment is not something that mankind should take lightly, the killing of another man for his crimes should be restricted to only those perversions of nature who sing "Pump" instead of "Jump" during Van Halen karaoke night.
  11. Hopscotch? Fuck that. Drinkscotch.
  12. The hard part?Believing 5,280 ft. of bacon, chicken, tomato, lettuce, mayo & toast really wanted me to join the quest to find the wizard who turned him into a sandwich. The easy part? Joining the mile-high club, dead wizard treasure ain't easy to come by these days.
  13. I'm so nervous my flopsweat just shat the bed w/me in it while I dreamt of being naked at school but this time my penis had flopsweat which then shat the bed that yr' wife and I fuck in every day. That's why I'm so nervous I need to tell you something
  14. Pure Guava

    Episode 254 - Erin Gibson, Our Close Friend Part 3

    That answers my money question from earlier. Well played, my furry friend, you deserve a pat on the silverback for your efforts. I see you are an accomplished, nay, you are at the apex of the burgeoning scene ARTY ARTERSON WEEKLY JOURNAL ART EXPRESS ART TIMES magazine coined as "Self-portrait oil painting which gets digitized, is wooed by the first software local who smiles at her, she's then swept off her feet by either his kerning or the chablis, regardless the font software gets hardware and fucks the painting. 9 months later Paintricia gives birth to a .jpg (that's spelled J. A.P.E. G.G.) that is the spitting image of mom and dad, you can really see what Momma Paintricia's brush marks looked like as a baby at certain angles but the right upper part of lil' Peg-Peg is all daddy. He definitely has his father's eyes. His I's I should say. And his e's, p's, r's etc. Too bad that it seems as though Poppa Font-elroy's DNA is strong, hopefully the banana falls far from the picture of a banana tree, Do you want me to spell it out for you? Poppa was a Rolling Stone, and I don't mean Keith Richards cut a hole in the gorilla picture and Tumbled his Dice until that canvas was Torn and Frayed, I mean his Daddy done erased himself from Peggles and Painty's folder before the last drop shadow could....drop, (Actually I just heard through the apevine that poppa is already shacked up with some clip art floozy whose only claim to frame was a small portion of her silhouette was superimposed behind the liner notes of a Radiohead album, for 1: Big deal it was a CASSINGLE for chrissakes and for 2: It was a radio/industry promo version at that, you know, the one with NOT FOR RESALE stamped on it that you thought was a big deal when you were young like you have some rare holy grail Them Yorke hand-crafted in a fit of rage against Thatcher's oppressive tax on goalies and personally hand-delivered all 4 copies to the C.E.O's of the 3 largest global conglomerates that owned the record and media industries at the time, the 4th one was Britain-bound, handed on the wrong side of the road to NME or...that's all I can name fuck whatever it is them Fishenchippers read in between royal weddings and umbrella sales way back in 92... oh yeah that's the (corner) kicker, the cassingle isn't even from a good Radiohead album, it's the shitty boring era before the dopamine depleting drugs dragged the lovable lads from Englandburgh-Upon Tynecastle Trentshire out of the guitar stores and into the bleep bloop stores and then the better record making store and then probably the rehab store, but I digress, if you are unlucky enough to own this tape, and bored enough to read the thank you's and which knobs Johnny Greensleeves is sponsored by, look past the words like a magic 3-D picture so popular at the time of the recording in your hands, see that flower? No? Of course you don't. The opacity is so low you can barely imagine what her ghost would look like. But when you hear her tell the story? She might as well be the cover of Kid A) and then baby Japers Egg is shoved onto some random message board for an obscure podcast in reply to a half-assed joke that some random clown's fart fingers typed on the toilet post-post-Modernism" which is all the rage in Havana now that mail service has been restored and female service has been pre-stored. The whole story from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z is in the last issue, the one with the sketch of Yoko Ono taking a picture of a 16mm projector that is being peed on by the inventor of the 32mm projector whose prostate has been digitally enlarged to show a temporary tattoo of Yoko holding a self portrait oil painting of herself casting a spell to shrink an old timey stereograph of Yo La Tengo down to the size of what apathy would be if it had a size plus Ira has a peace sign carved in his head like an anti-Manson. Don't respond with another meme-adjacent picture, if you do I shall consider it an act of guerrila warfare and will be forced to write another 8,000 word reply or at least one that feels that long. Signed, Fortnite Junior III One of the engineers of Da Lench Mob's seminal 1992 album "Guerrilas in tha Mist"
  15. Pure Guava

    Episode 254 - Erin Gibson, Our Close Friend Part 3

    Where that alcoholic gorilla keep all that money at? #MeTooLoveKoko