Pure Guava

Skittles give me shittles, gumdrops make my bum slop & Kit-Kats make my shit splat so pass the Reese’s Pieces so the feces ceases!

By Pure Guava, July 18, 2021 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

The backlash over Backdraft got rather heated at times

By Pure Guava, July 18, 2021 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Neil Armstrong’s dandruff flaked the moon landing

By Pure Guava, July 17, 2021 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Bumblebeez nuts

By Pure Guava, July 17, 2021 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Dubya Dubya Dubya not gonna do it dot com backslash read my lips

By Pure Guava, July 17, 2021 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

The devil is in the details…The satanic details, that is.

By Pure Guava, July 17, 2021 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Back rub to the future, back rub to the past, I don’t care when it happens, I just LOVE me some back rubs!!!

By Pure Guava, July 17, 2021 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Knock knock. Who's there? Oregon. Oregon who? Open this door immediately Oregonna have to break the fucker down

By Pure Guava, October 24, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

What's up vegan organic free-range cruelty free locally sourced farm to table hotdog? Oh man, with a catchphrase like that you know we be all up  in Portland's guts tonight, y'all!!! (Sorry)

By Pure Guava, October 24, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Alright Portland, I admit Bridge City is a cool nickname but it doesn't come close to L.A.'s  "Under the Bridge Downtown City", the only nickname Los Angeles has ever had or needed.

By Pure Guava, October 24, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Portland? More like Sportland, ammirite?  Nothing says Sportland like adding an "S" to the beginning of the word "Portland" as I have just demonstrated for all of you ball bopping puck fucking hoop humping Oregon sonsabitches only seconds ago. 

By Pure Guava, October 24, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

If you're happy & you know it keep it to yourself, nothing dampens the already suicidal mood of your pathetic family & friends more than the confusion that follows another outburst of  random applause from the hands of you, Mr. Happy P. Smileyshit

By Pure Guava, October 24, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Rip City. Bridgetown. Portlandia. Logville. Flannel Bay. Coffee-n'-Rain-sylvania. Damn it Portland, when it comes to nicknames it's quality not quantity, pick a name out of a SLeater Kinney trucker hat and stick to it you hipster fucks.

By Pure Guava, October 24, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Portland? More like Abortland because all the hipsters will get that I am making a reference to the Simpsons episode with the personalized license plate joke, leave the baby killing jokes to those evil fucks in Abortland Maine

By Pure Guava, October 24, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Wakey wakey, sleepy head, time to rise and shine...Use your blood magic to cause our corpse soldiers to rise from the dead and fill the sky with the black smoke of our vanquished enemies until the sun ceases to shine, that is.

By Pure Guava, July 29, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Shout out to my dog Jordy who doesn't listen to podcasts and even if he did he seems like more of a Superego fan, not this piece of garbage

By Pure Guava, July 29, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Of all the no good, means well, diabolical,handsome, flim-flammy, lavender scented, rotten to the core, beloved by all evil piece of shit I've ever expressed conflicting messages about aurally, you are the best worst. Draw your gun or I'll draw you a bath

By Pure Guava, June 26, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

"Buns of steel? Try all of steel" ---The Terminator, spoken wryly to a wall of TVs he passes by after the nude time travel thing happens

By Pure Guava, June 2, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

When life gives you lemons, ask yr'self who this life fella is & why is he in yr bedroom at 3:30AM handing yr bewildered ass a basket of...what's this now?  Fucking lemons? Of all the things to offer at this hour! Face it, life, lemon presents suck shit

By Pure Guava, June 2, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Laser tag is the tag of the past, Lasik tag is the only tag the future will see. Just Imagine: 10 optometrists in a steel cage, running around trying to tag one another while simultaneously performing complex vision-correction surgeries on themselves.

By Pure Guava, June 2, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

Bleaker than bleak days and freaky beak-filled nights, that's what a depressed nymphomaniac toucan with insomnia's life is all about, man. 

By Pure Guava, June 2, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

• bird up

Thrill of a lifetime? Try DRILL of a KNIFE...MIME! Next up on an all new Goober's Locker, a mime gets a knife drilled through his face, will he scream like a real man or repeat "Ambulance, tres rapidé" in charades until he bleeds out, silently. Up next!

By Pure Guava, June 2, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

You miss 100% of the catchphrases you don't make. 

By Pure Guava, June 2, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

• morning motivation
• hockey quotes that apply to podcast catchphrase writing
• (and 1 more)

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  • hockey quotes that apply to podcast catchphrase writing
  • wayne gretzkys butthole

Naked wieners make me chuckle, braless boobies? My knees buckle. If this sort of nonsense is what I'm most famous for in 20 years? A shotgun I will suckle. 

By Pure Guava, May 3, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

• suckle
• wieners
• (and 1 more)

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  • wieners
  • dreams of what siri looks like without all them buttons and wires hiding the goods

Next up on All Things Considered, the one thing that snuck by our considering crew, who should now consider themselves unemployed. 

By Pure Guava, May 3, 2019 in New Catchphrase Suggestions

• its a radio show on npr you dipshits