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Pure Guava

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Everything posted by Pure Guava

  1. Moth balls may keep your clothes dry but moth dick gets them all wet, so what's the point?
  2. Snot, sperm, vomit, tears. Bloody nose, poop, pus & pee. Just like everyone you’ve loved through the years Yr’ insides want to get away from you and be free
  3. Can’t wait for my kids to get Polio and smallpox, thank the heavens above people chose internet conspiracy memes over science or they would have lived long, healthy lives like some fancy book readin’ libtard.
  4. I’d like to welcome a very special guest to the Earwolf forums: My dead sexist grandpa. Dead sexist grandpa: “Virtual reality is the only reality where a woman could be my brain surgeon” Me: “That is awful. I should have known better Get back in the ground, apologies to anyone reading this but especially Dr. S.”
  5. I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name and a map with no name and a sleeping bag with no name and we brought extra water and it was named “Splashy”
  6. Pure Guava

    A simple way to listen to old episodes?

    time machine would be easier trick is finding a pilot You like 18th century fashion? PayPal some sweet sweet cheddar to monterhey@gmail.com and I'll find you a pilot that can get you close enough to Marie Antoinette's closet you can smell the lack of daily bathing and deodorant from inside the time portal You like the American Revolution? Go ahead and send some gold bars to that PayPal so you can brush George Washington's dentures....with poison. That's right, let's see how revolutionary America would be without the stoic dentured freak keeping liberty in line. The power vacuum would cause such chaos you might be stuck fighting Indians and Redcoats while we figure out how to fix a 24th century machine in 1700's Colonyburghsylvannia. Maybe we hook Benjamin Franklin up with some future (to him) science books, cook his noodle a little bit see if he can get his key to shock us back to functioning fully. Note to self: bring future tools and extra fuel on all time trips to avoid played out plot devices such as time machine breaking down in past. What's gonna happen next, gonna hook our DeLorean to a town clock on a stormy night? Get original, me or you are off this writing team. Sorry. No problem. You like rubbing your junk on pyramids? PayPal some clinky clinky change to yours truly and I'll have you tea bagging King Tut, the real King Tut, before he's even whisked off to space to join the star children. Yeah, there'll be some pyramids, don't get your teabag all twisted there sailor
  7. Itsa me, Mario. Itsa him, Luigi. Itsa you, player one. Itsa her, player two. Itsa we, everyone I just named. Itsa us, all of us, there is only one consciousness, and it permeates the fabric of the Universe and is within all things
  8. Pure Guava

    What's down, coldcat?

    GOD DAMNIT MUST THIS MAN, HIM, ME, I LIVE IN PERPETUAL SHAME FOR HIS, MINE, MY TRIVIAL SIN OF CARING TOO MUCH....Pause for crowd to catch it's collective breath after I just swept the leg Johnny'd them all, emotionally, in the leg. It was there in the leg that I done did sweeping them with emotions, Johnny's leg style. You see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's quite easy to see the damage that this one slip of the catchedphrasius linguitairium, otherwise known as "the tongue" which mother phrasius and father phrasius understand the reasonings why you would change your name to tongue but that doesn't mean we HAVE TO LIKE IT...Pa use for crowd to catch a rising star, when none is brought to me I improvise: YES....AND?...Pause for crowd to catch a big fish. When no water located to go fishing in due to us being in a courtroom it is suddenly remembered why the courtroom is packed so the judge immediately calls for recess in order for us to forget again. I immediately peg Mark of teh Best in the ear with a dodgeball made of prison shanks. I warned him if he lumped me into the CCC against my will I would have to take drastic action and leave spastic fractions. The former was in the form of ______________________________heh heh, that blank space is a virtual reality preview of what Mark's hearing is like for the next few months. For the latter I rolled around in chalk dust and had multiple seizures on my way home from Mark's reckoning. CCClass was now in session, bitch. Which means I'm late, may I be excused?
  9. Hey! Reese is my co-star and my friend and further more...oh wait you're not at all disparaging her but HEY! That's my show I co-star on with my friend and co-star Fleece Smothersmoons, and hey, it's called "HBO's Little Liars Lying Bigly Series on HBO" not what you wrote which is too silly to write and my laptop is at 2% and this REM b-side just came on shuffle so I can't argue with you anymore I'm too distracted by my Hollywood lifestyle and Hollywood abs to spend time on this anymore. Reese is a genuinely warm and funny person to be around, just a doll, amazing smile and you should try her special recipie Georgia Peach Brownie Lemonade only a true southern girl could pull something like that off and boy does she pull something like that, off it goes! This is Adam S, signing off from a movie set and tv trailer only in Hollywood, living the dream!
  10. I applaud this person for juggling so many plates at one spin simultaneously , I mean come on, Doctor? Check. Army Baker? Check. Owner of a cat named Quin that plays music? CHECK! And apparently an expert in abusing children and alienating her parents? I guess wearing so many finger pies in one hat at the same time would cause any one of us to have a less than stellar home life but fuck that noise, Dr. Army Baker is making sure our boys in blue in the field in the battle lines have cupcakes and souffles to nurse their war wounds and to make friendly fire a little more friendly. Because the fire is Dr. Baker's oven and the friendly is all of us who support the troops rights to kill bears with their arms, WHAT'S FAIR IS FAIR, BILLIE JEAN IS A LEGEND BUT DR. ARMY BAKER IS LEGENDARY. SAY MEOW TO YOUR CAT QUIN FOR ME DR.B!
  11. I think Andy Daly could be found guilty of setting fire to an orphanage that specialized in extra cutie-wutie war orphan patooties that spoke the kind of fractured English that advanced gypsies teach their offspring to mimic in order to maximize heartstrings tugged which of course equals more dollars given but I digress, Andy Daly is so mother fucking talented that even the life imprisonment even the guilty plea to 322 counts of first degree murder even if it was 318 teensy tiny widdle yummy tummy kids ages 1 mo. through 11 years (4 of the deaths were boring old ugly 1 or 2 parent having nuns blechhhh) even if during the trial it came to light that each of Andy's characters were actually based on real-life people he would stalk, kidnap, learn to impersonate, strangle and finally eat portions of their brain and hearts to "bring a sense of authenticity to the performance" I would still re-listen to seasons 1 and 2 annually if not more AND would be the first one in line to purchase the Patreon subscription to his prison-based podcast that he records on a smuggled in cell phone that I will be more than happy to shove into my body cavity if it means NEW CONTENT FROM the Michael Jordan of Podcastian Delights (Mr. Daly earns that hallowed title because of his little-known ability to dunk from the free throw line).
  12. after 9 edits trying to embed a golf clap and then realizing there is a preview button I'm attaching a picture of some dudes named Golf and Clap or something I'm not awake enough to sort this out. \ TLDR: Me no work compute machine good, SideofMcG make great catchphrase that deserves a float in a parade
  13. Pure Guava

    You up, hotdog?

    I shouldn't like this as much as I do but damn if I can't stop petting my screen in admiration
  14. Pure Guava

    Help me craft a winning catchphrase:

    At noon PST (Pureguava? Sexy, Timeless) And that, graduating class of 2089, is the first time New Iowa's state motto was uttered, causing a chain reaction in which a ragtag group of teenage farmers toppled governments, an ear of corn became king, that Corn King became Corn God, and I know what your thinking right now, hey prez, what about the ladies ????::insane cheering and bedlam ensue:: Oh, I'll tell you about the ladies.... Lemme break it down for you ::beat boxing champion CyberRon appears next to the University President, drops epic beat, bedlam morphs into Beatlemania-esque insanity and near rioting:: President then grabs pimp chalice and cane and proceeds to....oh no then my laptop grew wings and flew away::
  15. Poll Closes Friday the 28th.
  16. Frostpee the snowman was a yellow crusty mess too disgusting to write a song about.
  17. You could say that when the wienermobile, America's favorite-ist car, hit a tree causing it's buns to fly off & land on top of a bystander, the carbonate him. You could say that and I'd take a 2 liter of soda & punch you in the wiener until mo' bile spewed out of your mouth, you corny fuck.
  18. You haven't had authentic street food until the powder from your pulverized teeth makes you sneeze bile mixed w/ the bits of undigested asphalt from the street you authentically turned into food.
  19. Just wait until you read this, it's going to blow your mind while simultaneously sticking a finger 2 knuckles deep into your sense of awe: Sure, everyone knows that Charlemagne was crowned Emperor of the West by Pope Leo II but does everyone know that Leo and Charlie-Magnets* each had a secretary? No. Hold the applause and zip up your pants because that wasn't it, that wasn't even "tip of a pinky" awe-inspiring. Now get ready to pull down your zippers with good reason because Pope Leo's secretary's name? Wedgemore Lincorn Korneddy. BOOM! Finger in the light socket shocking, right? Well that's just the half of it, so get your fingers ready to pull down your butt zippers because Charlemagne's secretary's name? Lincorn John Corncy Adams Korneddy. Mic dropped. On your balls. The Illuminati just got a little Illumi-naughty. *What his friends called him because nobody knew how to pronounce or spell Charlemagne and because he was a notorious close talker, like nose to nose no matter what the situation and a weird inclination to lean his pelvis towards you slightly and hold the awkward posture for the remainder of the conversation no matter how long it went. The theory is C-Mags (what his pen pals called him), was attempting a power move, unfortunately the strain on his face to keep his spine in a backwards question mark made people laugh at him more than they already did for having the name Charlemagne, in fact, they would make bets on who could keep Chucky-Magazine (what his harem calls him because of his habit of keeping magazines around to read to the girls during any lulls in the nightly wine orgy) talking the longest; records show the amount of money changing hands during a CHARMAN OF THE BOARDS (what his P.R. guru insisted the media call him which they did because of the beheading penalty for failure to comply was quite persuasive)
  20. 3 weeks later I see this reply? Me and Snobby Hill could have been best friends by now, bonding over Pure Guava (Ween record, not legendary catchphrase bad boy, although they both are the best at what they do: Pure Guava best at being a Ween album, Pure Guava best at being a Ween album sliding incognito into an echo at being a Ween album nobody will ever know at being a Ween album how I just disappeared at being a Ween album Into thin air ween album ween album ween al ween wee we w v
  21. If you ever feel like you don't belong, that everyone is staring & laughing at you like a freak,& you don't know where to turn just know...stop wearing clown make-up & a g-string to teach kindergarten, yr' going to be arrested if you don't cover that thing up
  22. It's smart to have a wolf on the air on Airwolf occasionally to keep morale up and to scare those weak members of the staff whose hearts are made of warrior stem cells because they were out sick the day Drainmont and ZIggy and Steven Curries came by with some bone marrow for Hearswolves podcasting to ingest in ceremony of the elders to meld the hearts of Warsiorrs to the hearts of pasty inside people to help each over come deficiencies that only stem cells and Native Magik spells twisted together in some freaky scene of old meets new can truly overcome. Now Stephens Curtsey can shoot 3 points AND do character work and crack wise alongside PFT. Now Chief Kevins can dunk on roommate AND be awkward still no change bad example. Anyways, hey Headgum, better get that podcast basketball trophy a nice shiny cleaning because my boys at ErrorWaffle half Golden State, half Timberwolves (literally not Kevin Garnett's old team), and half funny as you. You going to go down on the court like your ratings off the court. Oooohhhh burn with no facts or figures to back it up those are the worst kind of burn because everyone pays attention to the burn not you trying to explain your market share after everyone's scattered to the winds, dandelion I mean dandewolf-style
  23. Anyone screaming at a Men At Work concert weren't taking the band's name seriously. Does Colin Hay go to yr' pizza parlor and scream at you as you-ah tryin-to-ah-make-uh-duh-pizza-PIE? No, he doesn't. He just asks for a slice, extra Vegemite please.
  24. You know when you wake up on a beach naked except for blood that's not yours, try to retrace your steps but find quickly that's a bad idea that's when the sirens approach which reminds you you're a cop, they're here to drive you to the evidence locker for round 2.
  25. If this catchphrase is on the Comedy Bang-Bang I wanted to let Mama know that this proves I ain't a dumb-dumb that can't follow directions, I found the website, typed my funny words, hit the correct button to submit, now I'm going to use my manners and say thank you to Mr. Earwolf, ain't you proud of me Mama?