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Pure Guava

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Everything posted by Pure Guava

  1. Deceptively simple, ye olde phrase of catch be
  2. I've heard of whiskey dick but experimental psychedelic research chemical snuck into my water supply by the government as punishment for defaulting on my student loan penis?
  3. In the name of the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit, there are vowels and there are consonants. Thus ends your grammar lesson for today.
  4. My dog's bark is worse than his bite. By that I mean he has a rare skin disease that makes his fur turn hard and peel like bark, a side effect of the medicine is total tooth loss hence the weak bite.
  5. Pure Guava

    5 years since last contest?

    Looks like Earwolf wins the contest for most miserly podcast consortium. Since the bean counters at “Misear-wolf” are too busy getting visited by 3 ghosts on Xmas Eve, I’ll break open the vaults at Pure Guava Inc. and fund my own dang contest! So drop them crutches and oooops, you really do need them, my bad, I thought it was a ploy to squeeze more sheckles out of ol’ Tightwad McScoggles.... Ya know what, Tiny T., while you are on your knees in front of my benevolent, totally muscular body, why don’t you use those DSL’s (Doesn’t sip luxury items) for chugging down the sweet sweet taste of my generosity. Because: I’ll paypal 5$ to the first person to reply to this post. That’s it. See ya in 5 years! CONTEST RULES:1.no hacking the computers to alter your time stamp, What, is your favorite band Jakob Marley and the Failures (due to the repercussions of cheating)? 2. I reserve the right to laugh at your username, you guys are a soooo out there, dude, must have been 4:20 when you left shore on your puntoon boat, heading to Wordplay Isle (Isles are known as “Keylos” in South Florida) for a punrise wake and make...some puns...sesh with Vladimir Puntin and Presipunt Donald Punmp..out them Puns, Vanderslice, because puns rule this National Lampun’s XMAS Vacapun! EPIC CALLBACK TO HOLIDAYS ENDS THE ROUND, points go to the contestant who threw the XMAS boomerang, the one that hit the nation right in the punny bone coming and going, we all shoulda ducked, it was a boomerang after all
  6. If you break a rib and it's poking out of your chest, damn son, that body chest is like a treasure chest, black market demand for fresh man rib through the roof
  7. 4 score and 7 beers ago Babe-raham Lincoln ended the civil war by giving the South what it was totally begging for, full-frontal nudity, bro!
  8. Saturday 2/2 is Groundhog's Day and oh, would you look at that, it happens to be my birthday, I was going to tell you about parking around the venue but since you brought it up I should remind you that due to ancient birthday/holiday laws I'm eventually going to find myself in a Bill Murray/Groundhog's Day/time loop situation when I wake up on 2/2. So to cover all my bases I thought I'd ask anyone going to the show what their dream birthday present would be. Because if I'm looping tomorrow? Sure I'll have time to rob banks and master piano playing (if your birthday wish is for a time wizard to play a solid gold piano for you you are already covered) but for those with bigger, less weird dreams let me potentially make them come true. Don't worry about identifying yourself because after 10,000 live HH shows every single one of you will be on stage eventually or I'll just pick your pocket and read your license (don't worry about your valuables, it's for identification purposes only, remember, I will be a master jewel thief/bank robber by then and don't need the 43$ out of your wallet). Chef Kevin, if you are reading this I can't make Anime girls become real no matter how many loops so pick something practical.
  9. We have to stop all this hatred and killing based on race, sex, & religion because the only thing that truly matters in a person is if they prefer early prog-era Genesis or the later pop star garbage years.
  10. Pure Guava

    Next R U Talking Series

    Not to be a dick but most of you dicks missed the dicking point of them picking U2 and REM for the first two go-rounds, it's because they were the two bands Scott and Scott wore out the LP's and 8-tracks and cassettes and CD's and MP3 players you could say U2 and REM were the soundtrack of their formative years and at first I'd want to punch you for putting it in such garbage language but then I'd remember punching is not something I've ever done or know how to do and so I'd roundhouse kick you in the face instead for not saying it cool like this : you could say U2 and REM were the soundtrack of the years that were formative, wick-a-wick-a-slick-a-pick-a-wha-wha-wha-WU TANG CLAN BITCH, now that is something to remember for next time, always end on a scream and gang sign to make your point emphatically, and if we are cool here I will walk on outta here and will keep my ninja foot off your jaw, assuming you read this note I dropped as I walk out the door: "Whopper-Stopper, that's what my throat is Wish it was bigger so I could get wit the burger biz Quicker, sicker, to get them down so I throw them back up Don't judge my fetish bro, I bet you are one sick pup Speaking of sick pups, I wish they'd do Ween for season 3 because I want to hear Scotty Aux cord plug in and blast Mr. Would You Please Help My Pony (New no-no: Ponies are puppies now) while special guests RZA and GZA do a freestyle about my lightning fast feet they heard about on the street rocked their world more than a hype sick dope beat, yo. Word.
  11. You call that a catchphrase? Sounded more like a bobbled-and-dropped-phrase to me, butterwits.
  12. Ye three minstrels who art betwixt beast and boy art causing quiteth ye commotion o'er yonder, thine ears nary heard such wicked rhyming nor huzzahs aplenty. Assuredly tis Lucifer's work. Prithee bringeth to me ye olde catapult and rope, verily!
  13. You know what they say about improv and finances.... If you don't get in on the Groundling floor UCBees everywhere because you couldn't afford a proper bee transporter to take the multiple hives your cheap-ass poverty house is covered in to a second city for bee dumping. Unpaid bee fees? Sheeeiiitttt, you think you poor? I've been poehler, and you besser trust me, I've been known to break out pics of me sucking Matt Walsh's dick for rent money to prove I'ant no Fancy Sanzy, Richie Rich, Roberts Baron living off a trust fund so I can do improv without a fucking paycheck. May I suggest stop Nichols and diming people? It's sillsy. Oh and bee fees? Bee fees nuts, you buncha unscripted drama Queens. Speaking of royalty, Andy Daly is a God. Now be a Del and close the door for me, forgot my epi pen.
  14. Pure Guava

    Advice Needed

    Frederick Herman Jones? I coulda swore Fred's last name was "The Scarf-Wearing Detective" that's what Scooby told me and if there's one thing we A-List celebrities originally from Santa Cruz that have co-hosted 2 podcasts on Earwolf with Scottrick "Rude Jude" Lawkerman agree on is that Scooby don't lie, bitches, Scooby is on the up and up, and if you flying higher than the giraffe's vagina that's sitting in a bucket of dry ice on seat 23A on Jet Blue flight 501 (Oakland to JFKENNEDY) as we speak in hopes of getting to the nunnery on time for the transplant surgery (animal vagina transplants are all the rage among rich nuns these days thanks to the discovery of a missing piece of the Dead Sea Scrolls that contains a quote from Jesus during the Sermon on the Mount: "It's all good, bae, you still a virgin in daddy's eyes if the sex be happening in your new animal hoo-haa, word up) to have a chance of success than you are too paranoid to lie, besides, he'd sell his own bitch mother out for just a nibble of a Scooby snack, lies are too hard for the desperate to keep track of; It's easier to spill the beans and walk away rather than to rearrange the beans into different patterns you have to memorize. I don't know if this is the beginning or the end of another caper all I know is fathering triplets with Leslie Knope ain't knope picnic, brother.
  15. Pure Guava

    Advice Needed

    The jig is up. The dance is done. The bird has left its cage. The fat lady has warbled her tune, which in this case is the Scooby Doo theme song. You caught me, this "Pure Guava" character was created to spread buzz about Jude Lincoln Law's upcoming projects. And I would have if it weren't for Ambien night walks of blank. Oh and of course you meddling kids. Grrrr. Be sure to watch "Young Pope 2: Popin' Ain't Easy Movie only on TV" starring Adam Scott as Jude Law in his most memorable role yet: ( get ready for this twist to knock the fuckin' bees off your beard) Fred, the scarf-wearing detective as Adam Scott as Jude Law as Young Pope (Popius Ponti-Raid I, the First of His Name, he thirsts for that Fame (SPOILER ALERT) but can only find "Fame 2: Coco'n Ain't Easy" a direct-to-laserdisc disaster that tried to cash in on that Fame fame but could only wash out like a lame-lame. Fame 2: Coco'n Ain't Easy starring JUDE LINCOLN LAW AS COCO AND HOLY SHIT HIS SECRETARY WAS ALSO NAMED KENNEDY
  16. Pure Guava

    Advice Needed

    something is fishy here ok that's better, I stepped out of the salmon fishery At least that's what I want you to think...I"m on to you "Mayo Moo" like a burger with mayonnaise on it, hold the burger. Tasty. In a place that may or may not smell like a salmon fishery, I will be waiting, bee repellent in hand, writing 0 star reviews for The Young Pope
  17. Pure Guava

    Advice Needed

    OH SNAP, AMBIEN SLEEPWALKING COMA HAS FUCKED ME AGAIN. Better let the rest of mommy's little blackout friend sleep in the dog house tonight. DVR, your sentence has been reprieved by Governor MooMoo with a last second call to the gas chamber that showed up fully installed and in working order in my basement one night (gophers that refused to make funny faces while holding a golf ball were the test subjects, not people, I may be a sick fuck but not a twisted sicko) after what I'm guessing was an Ambien sleepwalking coma but I don't have any tools, technical know-how or a truck that can haul 7,000 tons of death machinery, much less the ability to transport and install it within an 10 hour window. I've never got a bill or weird charges on my bus pass, just a letter from England saying "I'm going to kill you in this very soon, "this" being the gas chamber that I paid to have installed during one of your weekly walking coma adventures and "kill" meaning murder you by strapping you into it and "you" meaning you and "soon" meaning within a fortnight." Sincerely Yours, Signed By Your Future Murderer, J. Law. So random, do you think it has anything to do with the gas chamber? Best I could come up with is this Jlaw feller must be inviting me to play Fortnite. Oooohh maybe it's J-Lo spelled in an ethnically mysterious to me way. Playing Fortnite with J-Lo, that'd be dope, right Mayor? is
  18. Pure Guava

    Pitches

  19. Pure Guava

    Advice Needed

    Law? Returns? Episode? What is this, the debut of "Where Are They Now: Jude Law Edition" on the network that has that contract to broadcast this show? I hope my DVR's Jude Law and/or Bizby Moomoo alert(s) was still set to RECORD ALL NEVER DELETE or some unlucky DVR is sleeping in the dog house tonight!
  20. If I ever open up an Asian cookware store specifically targeted to Rastafarians you better believe I'm naming it Jah-pan.
  21. Pure Guava

    Best of 2018 Pt. 1

    If there were a best of award for best of awards the CBB annual best ofs would win the best of award for best of awards.
  22. And now his watch has ended...thought it was waterproof, 'twas not. 'Tis a shame, he only had it a few days, certainly not a Rolex by any means, but a sturdy, fashionable timepiece all the same that will be missed.
  23. Is this catchphrase too long? Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck it Whew, just made it, one more letter and I'd be over the limit have to add a (cont) or a contraction tht dnt' exist
  24. Boys will be boys, men will turn into old men, but Boys 2 Men live forever in the part of our hearts that only rent to adolescents aging to adulthood while singing 4-part harmony over Philly soul with a touch of New Jack bad boy to keep the ladies frothing
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