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Pure Guava

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Everything posted by Pure Guava

  1. Hickory dickory dock, if you can use dickory in a sentence I'll suck your clock, the minute hand in particular is rather dusty. Afterwards I'll spit shine your penis, which is also encumbered w/ a layer of dust that demands the kind of clean only the suction of a wet mouth can provide
  2. Has there ever been a more apropos bandname than Funkadelic? Only competition would be if the Grateful Dead were named Grateful Go Nowhere Wandering Wank-off Jams Interspersed w/ Moments of Real Beauty & Stellar Harmonies Bathed in a Fuckton Of Acid Dead
  3. Ummmm...could we get just a little more rico and a little less suave, Gerardo?
  4. Next motherfucker leaves the "O" off of opossum gonna spend the night with Scabby Pete in the haunted fuck chair.
  5. I wish I could trade all these external hard drives for just one internal that drives hard, I'm quite the dainty little flower behind the wheel
  6. Wish the engineers would take a course on how to mic cats properly because Mitch's kitties have a tantalizing piece of hot goss just dripping with scandal and mayhem but until someone learns the proper angle to capture feline throat emissions the podcast world is being left in the dark of this world-shattering exposé. Hope I got the right angle on the accent on the last "e" in exposé. That's next level grammar I'm not ready to accept responsibility for.
  7. Sultry lips and poultry hips? Hooo-daddy, this turkey-human hybrid has got me seeing stars, stars I tells ya!
  8. This catchphrase is inspired by a true story: I haven't lost the will to live, damn you, I've lost Will Twollive, the boy I'm supposed to be babysitting. Remove this straightjacket at once and lets go toddler hunting!
  9. Oh bother, another drifter fell into the garbage disposal. My word those hitchhikers are ever so clumsy. Rutherford, be a dear, put on your hazmat suit and take care of Mr. Doe, would be a shame to get a mess on my new cashmere sweater
  10. Come they told me pa rum pum pum pum. A newborn king to see pa rum pum pum pum. Failed the audition I did pa rum pum pum pum. My Tourettes strikes again pa rum pum pum FUCK
  11. Holiday cheer is no match for existential ennui, it's roundhouse kick is just too brutal. Cheer knocked out in the 3rd round.
  12. The 1st amendment don't hold water here, boy. Besides the whole priceless piece of American History thing, the hole in the levee is just too large to duct tape a 200 year old document to and expect it to hold for more than a few seconds.
  13. You want to raise 1,000 soy sauces with my 2 yellowfins showing? Have you even played Texas Hold Em' Poke before?
  14. Must be lonely being the only sailor that can't tie a knot.
  15. This tragedy has got the goodgedies, if Catchphrase Submissions had a house full of us in it I would want ClownCarRaggedy as my roommate and my new bestie. Off camera we sulk, tormented by the knowledge that each step we take is one closer to fulfilling life's eternal promise of killing you one day. But on camera? We be drinking schnapps and pappin' pills , we be slicing wedges at the club, getting krunk with the fly lady, she buzzing all the time, she annoying. We swat her and say hi to the moth babes near the flame. Yeah bugging out is better than tugging snout, knowwhaddimsayinboiiiiiii


    1. TheClownCarTragedy


      Word, thunderbird. I like your style, not the least for liking mine. Like beat poetry except without the violence of an actual beating. So...more like purr poetry.

      Your name. I have a theory that you can tell someone's personality by which Ween album they like the best. My favorite is Quebec, which tells you that I am very sexy and sensual and depressed. Pure Guava tells me that you were electrocuted by a night light as a toddler and loved it. Also, you see the harmony in dissonance. Either that, or you love fruit without the fiber. If you know what I mean.

      If you do, let me know, because I'm not sure I do. What a life!


    2. Pure Guava

      Pure Guava

      Whoa. I actually was electrocuted at age 6, tried to plug a fan in but my finger was being possessive of the socket, not allowing anyone or anything to enter it's tiny domain inside the wall.....or maybe it was making sure there were no hungry gremlins waiting to eat his best friend fan plug I'll just change the story from one to the other depending on what kind of person I'm trying to manipulate and for what purpose whence telling the tale of the "Time I Never Felt More Alive", each day that passes is filled sticking my fingers into random sockets trying to get that ghost pepper concentrate blown in your ass of your soul feeling that only comes from either imitating a circuit breaker temporarily or getting ghost pepper concentrate blown in your ass. I never made the correlation between the electric wake up call and loving Pure Guava but because someone said it out loud I believe it with the strength of a thousand suns. I have my own theories on people's favorite Ween album and the Quebecois among you are hyper-intelligent moody folk who dress like English Lit professors but can dance like a professor. Of Dance. Drinkers of obscure hard alcohols and either are really really into baseball statistics or hate sports with a  passion, there's no in-between. Book readers. David Foster Wallace devotees. Kurt Vonnegut disciples. Smoked clove cigarettes for a year or two and have secret crushes on everyone they meet. Quirky Wes Andersons, the lot of you. That's my Quebec profiling, am I close at all? 

    3. TheClownCarTragedy


      I was also electrocuted as a toddler. It's one of my first memories, crawling toward a nightlight that was shaped like a blue guardian angel. My dad was a Baptist minister, so you can imagine the rich well of symbolic moss I let carpet that particular memory. Then, when I heard "Birdhouse in Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants? Boy howdy, twenty-three skidoo, oh you kid! I felt so special! And now that I know you shared a similar experience, I feel so close to you now. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not a stalker. Just lonely and easily wooed.

      So close on the Quebeckery! My favorite winter wear are heavy-weight wool cardigans with leather elbow patches -- proffessor-esque for sure -- but mainly because they slouch off my shoulders in this very lassez-faire way, and I'm probably not even using or spelling that right. I do hate baseball (unless I'm watching it on fast forward to a Benny Hill CD), and I've been told I'm a horrible dancer. Apparently I dance the way a duck swims: a top half that barely moves and a bottom half that is frenetic madness. I tried it the other way around once and woke up in a hospital.

      Books! Yes! Sometimes feels like I'm one of the last ones to still read. I've had my dalliances with DFW and Vonnegut, but I'm no disciple. DFW's genius is like the Grand Canyon: gorgeous but inaccessible, and daring anyone to dive in alive. Vonnegut is...like some other kind of canyon. A funnier kind. The Cumberland Gap?

      But yes. I have secret crushes on everyone I meet. If I didn't, I'd hate the world and embrace pure villainy. At which point my favorite album would become The Mollusk. Unless I was recovering from food poisoning. That album sounds like food poisoning, but in the best way possible. No?

  16. Pure Guava

    Gimme that old-tyme elision. Like in ancient his'try

    This is Solid Gold Award for Best Solid Gold Award-Level Artistry-level artistry right here
  17. You know you're dating a real bad boy if he crosses his i's and dots his t's
  18. My family would be terrified to know how many life choices were made by hallucinating Michael Keaton answering "What would Mr. Mom do in this situation?" & following the advice exactly no matter how many times it involved cocaine & firearms.
  19. Gallons? I'm not into the ladies, buddy, I'll take my gas in gal-offs, thank you very much.
  20. So the squirrel squealed, surprise, surprise. You know what they say, behind every nut-filled cheek lays a tongue just waiting for a chance to wiggle. Well I'll make sure this squirrel's tongue's wiggle chances are on a one-way ticket to Dodo Town, with a layover in Dinosaur International, flying bullet to the forehead airlines ::puts hand in vest where gun usually is:: ::as hand fishes around gun-less, squirrel starts laughing harder and harder::
  21. Cops? What do you take me for, some sort of duplicitous scoundrel? A swindling blackguard out for a lock-em-up and free squirrel meat? No. No. No. The only cops I know are my partner of 20 years, Lieutenant Karlsson Joseph "Karjo" Vanderpump. And Sarge. And Detective Daveed in Cold Corn Cases. And Big Lou, Stevie Peppers, Jimbeldon, Skrewy Skeeve the Stuffed Up Steve in Homicide. And Pee-Pee Balloons, Georgie Porny, Gaga Lady, Fickle Frankle, Dick Trickle-Pickle, Prick Tickle-Drickle, Tick Prickle-Drick (no relation) in the CSI Lab, and the entire traffic department, all the rookies in the dunk tank awaiting dry towels and a chance at the big time, oh and Cat Patrolman, the cat cop with mad hops. But none of them are here. And that is irrelevant. Because it' s past midnight and I'm sitting on 30 cases of corn that ain't gonna be worth crack spit come sunrise, and the only squirrel I be seein' right now is the one I am looking at in my photos over and over again because I loves him and misses hims and needs to pet his squirrel nut face again PRONTO NOW ASAPEEEESH?
  22. Pure Guava

    Help us with the CBB 2019 Calendar!!

    Good thing I replied in October. Just made the cut! Calendar superstardom, here I come, ooooh can you just picture it? The lazy denim Wednesdays with Teri Garr and Jon Lovitz? The sparkling watermelon coolers in the pool house with the Small Wonder robot and Charo? And to think what my life would have been like had I waited just one sun roundie!
  23. Gorp. Get your gorp here. Weird name, great taste. Well, not this particular batch, no chocolate in this one but hey.......raisins are......ummmm....Get your Gorp here. Gorp. Gorp for sale. Get it while it's funny to say and hard to chew. Which is always.