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Pure Guava

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Everything posted by Pure Guava

  1. As the Terminator stretches his nude body, trying to work out a time-travel-related cramp in his upper thigh, he notices a giant wall of TV's all playing a workout video. His curiosity piqued, he walks over to the store window oblivious to the crowd of bystanders gawking at his big floppy android dong. "Buns of steel? Try all of steel" the Terminator wryly remarks out loud to no-one in particular, although one of the dong gawkers overhears him but since he doesn't know what a Terminator is much less looks like, he just thinks this naked floppy-donged weirdo is mumbling some PCP-inspired nonsense and goes back to the gawking of the dong until Terminator sees a gun and blows everyone's head off because just because he's a robot from the future doesn't mean he doesn't have body image issues too, your gawking isn't helping at all, thank you very much.
  2. I don’t mean to be a Fussy Ruth Buzzy over here, but in the future it’s spelled “Chornn” due to that whole CLASSIFIED attack and discovery of CLASSIFIED in the CLASSIFIED pocket of the dead —CLASS? I FRIED! #420HighSchool —Colonel who’s last words, “CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED, CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED? She did? Well, then let’s join as one CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED and fuck our CLASSIFIED raw!!!” are of course etched into every CLASSIFIED in CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED, and that is how corn becomes Chornn
  3. When life gives you lemons, ask yourself who this life fella is and why is he in your bedroom at 3:30AM handing your bewildered ass a basket of...what's this now? fucking...lemons? Of all the things to give to someone at this hour or any hour for that matter. Face it, life, lemons as a present sucks shit.
  4. Laser tag is the tag of the past, my boy. Picture this: 10 optometrists in a steel cage, running around trying to tag one another while simultaneously performing complex laser-based vision-correction surgeries on themselves? Lasik tag is the only tag the future will ever know, my...man
  5. Bleaker than bleak days and freaky beak-filled nights, that's what a depressed nymphomaniac toucan with insomnia's life is all about, man.
  6. Thrill of a lifetime? Try DRILL of a KNIFE...MIME! Next up on an all new Goober's Locker, see a mime get a knife drilled through his face, will he scream like a real man or just do his flappy French charades for "Ambulance, tres rapidé" over and over until he bleeds out, silently? Stay on this channel to find out or else maybe you'll be the mime next time, Christopher.
  7. You miss 100% of the catchphrases you don't make. #morningmotivation #hockeyquotesthatapplytopodcastcatchphrasewriters #Gretzky'sButthole
  8. Naked wieners make me chuckle, braless boobies? My knees buckle. If this sort of nonsense is what I'm most famous for in 20 years? A shotgun I will suckle. #IFeelBadForTypingThis #BetterCoverMyAss #suicideIsNoJoke #talkToSomeone #PreferablySomeoneNotProSuicide #ImportantDistinction #CallMeIfYouNeedSomeoneToTalk To #8315219762
  9. Next up on All Things Considered, the one thing that snuck by our considering crew, who should now consider themselves unemployed.
  10. Me and Colfax Corndog huffin' gas with a weird mall kid
  11. To poke fun at a war veteran's knee void? Even for a scandalmonger such as you, Cornflask Nibblerstalk this is a cob too far. Sure he lied about serving in the military and sure he got caught with beastiality porn several times and sure he can get rapey during full moons and sure he may have been directly responsible for several instances of genocide world-wide and sure he cut his own knees off while in a PCP binge, throwing the detached knees at a nursing mother in a park he claimed was "too ugly to be trusted" (the park not the mother) but this not a war veteran war veteran did not suffer for his country and that is where your line crossing has crossed the line, Crossy McLinerspeck. This didn't end at Squirrelgate, cornstar.
  12. Hot cross buns. Hot cross buns. Boy, someone really pissed off those buns.
  13. Hey you fucking corporate newspaper whore, take the white house's dick out of your ass and quote this: "I'll give you a proper interview after I finish my breakfast, I'm simply a bear without my tea and biscuit, please return in 15 minutes if it's not too much trouble, Cheerio"
  14. Jam on toast, taste buds can boast. Jam on toes, waste muds ban roast. And so began chapter one of my father's dementia diaries.
  15. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this braking news: The harder you press the quicker you stop, same as before.
  16. Pure Guava

    No you imagine dragons, nerd.

    Shots fired. You rolled a 4 on the dexterity check sorry, that's not gonna cut it, Elvish or not you just got a side of McG to the FACE HOLE, SON
  17. They say the line between madness & genius is thinner than the wire the CIA planted in my teeth to keep track of my spending & send instructions on overtaking Peru's gold supply using the laptop I made out of walnuts, car batteries & mommy's night soil
  18. So thankful that dog parks have moved out of the "meet cute" location placed in every rom-com phase and into the "meat flute" location placed in every Tom's mom phase. Ha HA TOM, DOG PARK BANGED YOUR MOM!!!
  19. Except for the occasional necromancer shenanigans, inside-her trading is virtually 100% in-utero babies determined to put together a retirement nest egg weeks before they are born.
  20. Deceptively simple, ye olde phrase of catch be
  21. I've heard of whiskey dick but experimental psychedelic research chemical snuck into my water supply by the government as punishment for defaulting on my student loan penis?
  22. In the name of the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit, there are vowels and there are consonants. Thus ends your grammar lesson for today.
  23. My dog's bark is worse than his bite. By that I mean he has a rare skin disease that makes his fur turn hard and peel like bark, a side effect of the medicine is total tooth loss hence the weak bite.
  24. If you break a rib and it's poking out of your chest, damn son, that body chest is like a treasure chest, black market demand for fresh man rib through the roof