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nrkist

New Foam

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Old foam:

 

"This is a new character. He's called Harvey Dangerfield..........I'm not sick, but I'm not welll...I get no respeeect."

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I used to think I was Pansexual, but it turns out I'm attracted to Allison Williams when she plays other roles, as well.

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Dear United States Postal Service,

 

I was scheduled to receive a courier of "First Class Mail", but surmising from that vulgar polo shirt and shorts of your employee, class is the last of your endeavors and indeed you have misspelled "crass" on your advertisement. Nauseated, I had to send the letter carrier back with this reclamation letter, for which I refuse to pay any non-existent class of postage. Don't bother replying.

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Dear End point Consumer,

 

We enjoy engdearing a certain level of personability and intimacey with our customers. I am sorry that you find our hairy thighs and conspciously short shorts, 'unseemly'. If you prefer your mail delivered by a handsomely groomed man, that is not cladden in a clown suit, while banging on your door at 6am...maybe you should spend the extra DOLLAR and look elsewhere.

 

Edit: I apologize, this man does not speak for the United States Postal Service (oooraah!). Take your text. Print it out on a standard 8.5x11. Fold this paper into thirds. The easiest way to to do this is with a ruler. Or you can just kinda have your brother hold an edge you eyeball. That's how we do it here at the office. You then mail that to Santa and go F' yourself.

 

Sincerely,

 

USPS.

 

Edit 2: Lastly, all those letters to Santa Claus are undeliverable. We burn that. Let your kids know, because it's a big bungle during the holiday season and it just goes directly in the furnace. If there are any further concerns, I urge you to tie your writ to the tail of a unicorn wherein it will make it's way back across the rainbow it road in on directly to our offices.

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Guys, these jokes are too good to be foam.

 

Agreed. Here's some foam

 

I'm going to open a camp for Jewish children with ADD. it's called Jewish youth concentration camp.

 

....sorry

 

There's a pick up truck called the GMC Sonoma. What a weird name. Other pick up trucks have masculine names like Ram, but this ones named after wine country?

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A married African American guy cheated on his wife when he was in Thailand. It was a Black Thai affair.

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People act like trail mix is good. That's not a joke. That's an observation. They're wrong.

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I was convinced to change religions when I went on a walk-and-talk with L. Ron Sorkin.

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I haven't had much good luck with women. In addition to being way past my prime, I'm always visibly socially awkward. I guess you could say I'm so old and radiate so much beta that I'd have more success carbon-dating.

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I hate going to the grocery store with hipsters, because they're always bragging about how they ate Ranch Doritos before they were Cool.

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I have this rare condition where hearing any musician make the slightest mistake sends me into an uncontrollable fit of rage. It's called JK Syndrome.

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