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JulyDiaz

EPISODE 112 — Jupiter Ascending

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I noticed that guy Josh used the term "transhuman" which is common in sci-fi and specifically Warhammer 40k, Which would make sense as the whole view of the universe featuring humans on other planets makes an easy lead in to this movie, where as someone who isn't already a sci-fi nerd would feel this movie way harder to approach.

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while on the topic of the magic boots you missed the beautiful description of how they work. Later I will try an find the exact quote, but basically the boots convert gravity into differential equation slopes and surf them. So he is surfing on math. I feel like the writer googled gravity. Then saw a chart and the term "differential equation" on the first result and decided that made my total since.

Having to figure out all that math is why I couldn't even finish the first level of the official video game. Worst/closest adaptation EVER...

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Okay now that I have finished the episode here is my omission...

 

Eddie Redmayne and Douglas Booth's total incest vibe with their mother was sooo upsetting! Douglas was a-okay with marrying the woman that is identical to his mother (even though it wasn't based on love and he was planning on killing her that still seems creepy to me), and then Eddie literally had tons of scenes where I was thinking what the fuck went on between them when she was alive?!

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Jason bringing up The Sword is triple A +. Couldn't recommend that comic enough to people.

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"i was all about Merona." thanks Paul.

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maybe i missed it but, when mila kunis becomes the owner of earth does she stop the practice of harvesting humans for the youth juice? or is that shit cool now that shes royalty?

 

This is a valid question, but having watched this movie twice, I think I can answer it. (*heavy sigh* Yes, I bought it. In my mind, no matter how bad a movie is, it only costs a little more to just go ahead and buy it. Plus, I get the added benefit of not running into the issues Paul and Jason did).

 

So to answer your question...

 

Yes, at least as far as Earth is concerned. That is of course so long as she doesn't change her mind as she ages, her loved ones die out, and suddenly decides she'd rather be immortal. And yes, you may feel free to tremble in fear--we are all at the whim of Jupiter Jones' vanity. Titus doesn't really care about the harvesting and Kalique is kind of like a spoiled girl who may recognize the human rights violation of it all, but is not going to do anything that would deprive her of her life of luxury. They still have their own planets, so it is safe to assume they will continue doing what they're doing. Mila only has dominion over the Earth and has no control over what they do.

 

The best way to explain it (and shoot me now for even getting any logic out of this stupid movie) is the mother/queen owned, let's say, 10 planets. When she died she left three planets to each of her children, but she kept the best (Huzzah Earth) for her reincarnated self. However, until she comes back, Balem has control over Earth. Now, and it's not stated in the movie so this is pure conjecture, we have to assume that in the will there is also a stipulation that says if her returned self dies, Balem will then gain full control. This is why Balem wants her dead and why Titus wants to marry her, because if she dies after they get married, his claim would supersede Balem's.

 

Hopefully this helps clarify the, um..."plot" of the movie. God, I feel really icky right now...

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I noted that this is the second HDTGM film (Godzilla being the first) where it seems like a character in the movie got their hands on the actual film footage. When...um...Whispery Abrasax? Eddie Redmayne's character is watching a hologram replay of the egg donor clinic, he's watching the last scene in the movie, Spaceballs-style. Not security footage, not something from any of the alien's point of view, THE ACTUAL MOVIE.

http://img.pandawhale.com/70548-spaceballs-gif-looking-backwar-EXKU.gif

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I lookin' at? When does this happen in the movie?

Col. Sanders: Now. Everything that happens now, is happening "now".

DH: What happened to then?

CS: We passed it.

DH: When?

CS: Just now.

DH: When will 'then' be 'now'?

CS: Soon.

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OMISSION

 

how did you all not talk about the fact that Jupiter just has an open Maxipad in her glove box that she uses to patch up Chanings wound.

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"I really can't even be bothered."

 

-Jason Mantzoukas

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2 things:

 

- I have a real problem with the whole harvesting humanity thing. the Abrasax family seed the earth with humans and then just wait a hundred thousand years or so to harvest? there are around 7 billion people alive on earth right now, but it’s estimated that 108 billion people have lived and died. thats 101 billion people that they didn’t get to turn into fountain of youth goo, and an unimaginable fortune that they’re just ignoring. shouldn't these planets be set up like actual farms and just process humans once they reach a certain age? or why not harvest the planet after a certain amount of time - like every 100 or 1,000 years or whatever - and then re-seed it, harvest again and repeat? and shouldn’t the abrasax family intervene in the major events of humanity by preventing wars, disease, and pollution so that their products don’t kill each other off and are nice and healthy when they process them?

 

- the reason why it looks like Channing Tatum is on roller skates is because he was! while filming he was on inline skates jumping of ramps and skating on a specially made three-sided treadmill. they even brought in pro skaters Cory Miller and Taig Khris to train him.

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OMISSION

 

how did you all not talk about the fact that Jupiter just has an open Maxipad in her glove box that she uses to patch up Chanings wound.

It wasn't her car, just one they stole. She said, "Good thing a woman owned this car."

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OMISSION

 

how did you all not talk about the fact that Jupiter just has an open Maxipad in her glove box that she uses to patch up Chanings wound.

 

 

Ya Mantzoukas really dropped the ball there.

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-Not sure if this is a correction, but you guys kept calling them aliens, so maybe. The Abrasax kids were human, not aliens. Humans were a big part of that galactic civilization, they just seed planets like Earth with human material do they can be harvested.

 

-Balem (Redmayne) hired those 3 cornfield bounty hunters. After the initial fertility clinic fight where Tatum sniffs the papers, the motorcycle chick says they need to tell Balem about Tatum. Then Feather-beard says he has a better idea, which is to take Jupiter to the sister in exchange for the youth goo.

 

-The fact that Balem killed their mother wasn't supposed to be a big reveal at the end, was it? Because they telegraphed that pretty hard. This is how the chat between Jupiter and Kalique went in my living room:

 

Kalique: My mother was murdered.

ME: Obviously by Balem.

Jupiter: Did they find out who did it?

ME: BALEM!

Kalique: Nope.

ME: What?! Does she not even suspect the person with the single greatest motive in the worldto want her dead?

 

-During the farmhouse raid, when Sean Bean realizes he's about to be shot by that high-tech air cannon, his resigned quip is, "Bee's wax."

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A quick "that does not mean what you think it means": Non-plussed means overwhelmed. It'a like, you are shocked into silence and you can't take anymore. Jason uses it in the, admittedly common, wrong way to suggest indifference. Ok, carry on ...

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I have a couple of questions regarding the "youth goop..."

 

Why do they allow themselves to age all the way to middle age before hopping in the bath? Based on what we saw in the movie, although I'm sure their supply isn't limitless, they seem to have enough that they could make it a daily ritual. Why not just be young all the time?

 

My other problem is when Kalique tells Jupiter, "it's as easy as changing a light bulb," but I have two problems with this analogy. For one, isn't taking a bath fundamentally easier than changing a light bulb? Why even bother equating how easy it is when she just saw how easy it was? (Also, there would have to be a joke in this universe about how many people it takes for an Abrasax to change a light bulb, right? I mean, I counted at least seven people around that pool.)

 

And secondly (and this may be a quibble), but...light bulbs? Really? We are in a universe of highly advanced, gene modifying, artificial intelligence creating, faster than light travelling, space vampires and they are still using regular old 60 watt bulbs? And not only light bulbs, but light bulbs that still blow out! What do they do, go to the space CVS and pick up a pack of four to store in the laundry room just in case a bulb blows out in the track lighting of their intergalactic star cruiser?

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PFT needs to lay a grammar smack down on this fool.

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they age, so entropy is still a thing, so you need to buy a new light bulb

 

Thank you, Mr. or Ms. Wachowski!

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I had to make an account to talk about this movie. Just to clarify, I LOVE this movie with how bad it is.

 

First Sean Bean's character, a friend explained the bee connection like Channing Tatum with the dog/wolf. Sean Bean lives in a home full of bees, as bees do in a hive, and several times in the movie his eyes flash yellow. Apparently the color yellow was enough to connect him to bees. I recall seeing the yellow eyes once or twice, but thought I was seeing things until my friend explained this "deep" characterization.

 

For the boots Channing Tatum uses, it is described saying "they use the force of gravity redirected into differential equations slopes that you can surf" which make NO SENSE. He clearly delivers the line with not understanding what that means, and someone that has taken differential equations, I don't either. Link for the funny moment:

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In the mythology of the conception of Star Wars, Lucas wrote a huge story, realized it was too big, chopped off the 2/3 at the end and made the beginning as the first movie. Things like teaching Wookiees to fly ships to take down the Death Star sort of survived as Ewoks helping Solo take out the force field projector.

 

This movie seems like, instead of chopping off the end, they cut the whole story down by removing all the supporting structures. Look, for example, at how rushed the Lando-like arc of Stinger is of switching from ally to betrayer and back to ally. Was the daughter who went missing from the plot kidnapped and ransomed to explain his allegiance shift? Who knows?!?

 

Lucas, or whoever he had around at the beginning who understood storytelling (Kurtz), managed to make a world where you were plunged straight into it and yet you still understood the stakes. This thing is just a parade of "wtf?!?" and "who cares?!?" scenes.

 

Honestly, it seems like they looked at Star Wars and thought, "Let's make a story like Star Wars, with the story beats of the original trilogy, but make it more like the prequels -- And compress it down into one incomprehensible mess of a movie."

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Correction:

That State Farm commercial shouldn't make you cry because of sentiment/nostalgia, it should make you cry because it's really dark and upsetting.

The pattern of the commercial is that every time the man states he'll never do something, the next scene portrays him in the situation he previously stated he would never be in.

In the last scene, he states he will never leave his family... if the commercial were to go on another scene he will have left his wife and children

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Correction:

That State Farm commercial shouldn't make you cry because of sentiment/nostalgia, it should make you cry because it's really dark and upsetting.

The pattern of the commercial is that every time the man states he'll never do something, the next scene portrays him in the situation he previously stated he would never be in.

In the last scene, he states he will never leave his family... if the commercial were to go on another scene he will have left his wife and children

thank you! it drives me crazy how many people love that commercial and don't realize that.

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