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JulyDiaz

EPISODE 112 — Jupiter Ascending

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hmmm... I have to say the only thing I can think of that feels like actual character-work is her role in Black Swan

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXM1mcZuibI

 

but other than that? not so much. I don't think she's horrible, but not exactly Bobby D over here.

 

She was fine in that, but I still felt the same way. I agree with the others that she's good in comedies but like in Book of Eli and this she just seems so disconnected. Oh well, it was still a pretty movie to watch.

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This reminds me of what I think may have been the most egregious "no one's gonna fuckin' care" use of this that I've ever personally seen, which was the Jackie Chan movie "Mr. Nice Guy". In it, there's a hidden camera inside a wall or something that no one in the movie is supposed to see. Bad things happen, someone gets killed or something, and someone runs off with the tape. Later, they're watching it, and it's the fully edited scene, from a camera that was basically set up to see through a hole in the wall. Great stuff.

 

 

"Riding With Death" was so influential!814Riding1.jpg

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"Look, Paul, I'm not writing you a new Second Opinions theme: You haven't even used the Corrections&Omissions theme I already wrote you. Maybe once you use that one, I'll consider it."

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I noticed that guy Josh used the term "transhuman" which is common in sci-fi and specifically Warhammer 40k, Which would make sense as the whole view of the universe featuring humans on other planets makes an easy lead in to this movie, where as someone who isn't already a sci-fi nerd would feel this movie way harder to approach.

 

heretic_o_424608.jpg

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Somebody make a supercut of all the MY-LA / MEE-LA back-and-forth action.

 

And then launch it into the sun so that nobody has to listen to it.

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"Riding With Death" was so influential!814Riding1.jpg

 

Is she in heaven, Mike?

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At the end when Jupiter says, "Watch this," and jumps off the building revealing she has Channing's rocket boots. But she didn't know he had wings until just before that. So she stole his boots and must have planned to ditch him on the roof as a joke? Since these are apparently one of a kind boots in the universe, how was Channing not freaking out that they went missing?

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-Not sure if this is a correction, but you guys kept calling them aliens, so maybe. The Abrasax kids were human, not aliens. Humans were a big part of that galactic civilization, they just seed planets like Earth with human material do they can be harvested.

 

Right. You guys mention the scene in which Sean Bean offers just pure exposition, but included in that scene is this line:

 

"You’ve been taught that the birthplace of the human race is earth, but it’s not."

 

Humans have existed in the universe long before they did on Earth. We're basically petri dish humans. While they may be alien to Earth, you could even say they're more human than we are.

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My greatest hope is that Hubcap and Turkey Sub were "On the Line" when the aliens blew up the El trains.

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OMISSION:

I am not surprised any of you missed this as it's a bit obscure for US audiences, but there is a whole series of children's detective novels starring a character named Jupiter Jones. Jupiter is described as looking like a youthful Alfred Hitchcock. The book series, called The Three Investigators, was published for about 20 years right along side Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys from 1964 to 1987. These books, while no longer in print in the United States, are so big in Germany that they continue to add books to the series. As of 2014, there are 180 titles, 73 radio dramas, and 2 feature films. Jupiter is driven in a Rolls Royce, lives in a Salvage Yard, and his parents were ballroom dancers.

 

Even if the movie hadn't been what my 14 year old called "so very, very long", I was too distracted plugging Mila Kunis into the Three Investigators' plots to pay close attention to the movie. Also, Paul, June is WAY out of your league. I hope you count your blessings.

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Since these are apparently one of a kind boots in the universe

And apparently also had the only shield in existence. Seriously, that was pretty damn useful, so you'd think all those guards or bounty hunters would also have one.

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I've not watched Jupiter Ascending, is there any dollar amount worth paying to see it? What about free? Nothing was said about the film in Paul's brief 'we're doing Jupiter Ascending' podcast and episode that made it feel like it would be a good use of my time. Have I dodged a bullet?

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So Caine essentially took his fighting style from Shadow the Hedgehog.

 

Few things that didn't come up I thought might have, like that guy with oversized whamo air blaster rifle ... if that doofus had just had a regular gun, Jupiter, sean bean and Caine would all have been dead halfway through the movie, since he scored direct hits on all of them during that fight at Sean Bean's house.

 

Also, was I the only one who laughed out loud at the robot guard's stubby t-rex laser gun arms?

ZJo3k5c.gif

 

I know they glanced over the DMV parody scenes, because who the fuck cares, but one thing that makes it even less funny of a gag than it is otherwise, is that the only character getting flustered or reacting to the bureaucracy is the robot side kick they randomly introduced and then never spoke of again. Jupiter and Caine and everyone else didn't seem all that bothered, it was only the robot which was LITERALLY MADE to navigate bureaucratic red tape that was getting annoyed.

 

Also, about the "only one of each alien race" thing - well not really, a) they're hybrids, so not quite different alien races.

and b.) there are many of the leather coat wearing lizard guys. So much so that when Shadow the Hedgehog is fighting them at the end, one of them is supposed to be the badass enforcer for Voldemort, but you can't tell them apart because they all look exactly the same.

 

And, Sean Bean lived through a movie, is that allowed? I was sure he was gonna die when they were trying to get through that crappy minefield (also hey, giant warship that's there supposed to be helping us...maybe at least fire a shot or two into those swarms of drones we're flying into?), or to get the dome/shield or whatever open to Voldemort's lair.

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They definitely address this in the episode, but its fucking baffling to me. Is caine also vacuum proof? because how the hell does he survive being taken into orbit on the outside of a ship after Jupiter first gets captured? I thought at first "oh he's going into the cargo bay" but when they show up on the next planet, he's clearly still outside. Did they open the cargo hold and let him out? that was awfully nice of them.

 

for some reason this bothers me the most.

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When I first saw the trailer, I honestly thought this was based off a young adult novel. It just has that feel to it. I definitely think this movie would have worked better as a video game. I would romance Caine. :3

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Even if the movie hadn't been what my 14 year old called "so very, very long", I was too distracted plugging Mila Kunis into the Three Investigators' plots to pay close attention to the movie. Also, Paul, June is WAY out of your league. I hope you count your blessings.

 

Well, at least you're setting a good example for your teenage daughter in what qualities are important to look for in a potential boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

giphy.gif

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I've not watched Jupiter Ascending, is there any dollar amount worth paying to see it? What about free? Nothing was said about the film in Paul's brief 'we're doing Jupiter Ascending' podcast and episode that made it feel like it would be a good use of my time. Have I dodged a bullet?

 

And I watched "Hercules In New York" gladly! But no...even the time didn't seem worth it, as well as what I'd have to spend on the booze.

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This is more of a question.

 

If they are supposed to bathe in the fluid to get their youth back why do they store it in pint sized bottles? Don't they have barrels in space?

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And you'd think they'd try to conserve it by using a bathtub as small as they could fit in. Not these giant swimming pools they are using.

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Its probably from concentrate.

 

Is it reusable? How many uses do you get out of a glowing vial? And whats the deal with Jetski McRavergirl tasting it like its a freakin 80s cop movie to see if its pure? What if its not pure? Do you not get as young? Do you get too young? Does it just not work?

 

The whole economy of it is pretty stupid, "as easy as changing a light bulb"...assuming light bulbs take hundreds of thousands of years to harvest and are possibly dependent on the light bulb filaments not eradicating themselves with wars and environmental damage or getting eliminated by disease. This is definitely one of those movies that likes to think it 'makes you think', but really the more you think about it the more stupid it becomes.

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CORRECTION/OMISSION

 

OK, so I actually have two omissions:

 

1) Channing Tatum straight-up has a dog penis. When Jupiter tells him she's falling for him, he replies that he has more in common with a dog than he does with her. My reading of this line is him telling her not only "I'm not good enough for you," but also "I'm genetically and physiologically incompatible with you because I HAVE A DOG PENIS." So, at the end when they get together, he's going to have to whip his red rocket out of his little furry sheath to bang her with his DOG PENIS. That was literally all I could think about for the rest of the movie after that line, and wondering whether or not it still counted as beastiality.

 

2) When Jupiter agrees to marry Titus, there's no acknowledgement in the movie AT ALL that she is marrying her son. Jupiter is genetically identical to Titus' mother, so, genetically speaking, he's marrying his mother. I know royalty is no stranger to incest, but damn. Shouldn't they at least address the fact that Jupiter and Titus' marriage is incestuous, even if they do say that the marriage is only for political purposes? I mean, she doesn't know that he intends to kill her. Is she just going into this being totally cool with technically banging her son? And why is the movie cool with this?

 

Love the podcast, guys, and look forward to it every week. Thanks for all the free laughs!

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Glad to know I'm not the only one who cringed at the Mylah issue. Overall I agree she's a "needs the right material" actress, which has been with That 70s Show, Family Guy, and Ted, but things out of that wheel house like Max Payne, American Psycho 2 and others really show her faults.

 

In regards to this movie, how much more leeway are the Wachowskis going to get? The first Matrix was amazing and got Oscars, the second was okay but started to show how the siblings' relied so much on CGI and BS psychobabble, and the third was pretty drecky. Then Speed Racer completely tanked, Cloud Atlas had all of its issues and didn't perform well at the box office, and now Jupiter completely bombed. So my question is did they sell their souls to the same Hollywood devil who allows M. Night to continue to make movies?

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When Jupiter agrees to marry Titus, there's no acknowledgement in the movie AT ALL that she is marrying her son. Jupiter is genetically identical to Titus' mother, so, genetically speaking, he's marrying his mother. I know royalty is no stranger to incest, but damn. Shouldn't they at least address the fact that Jupiter and Titus' marriage is incestuous, even if they do say that the marriage is only for political purposes? I mean, she doesn't know that he intends to kill her. Is she just going into this being totally cool with technically banging her son? And why is the movie cool with this?

 

Yeah seriously. If I (or any sane person) were her, the first thing I would say to his proposal was..."Dude, I'm a clone of your mom. If you want me to inherit your property, just put me in your will! I mean, your space-will."

 

Admittedly, his plan wouldn't have worked then. But she realllly shouldn't have just accepted that.

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