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CarolineEAnd

Episode 13.5 - Minisode 14

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Comic book movies are huge right now! But unlike past summers with The Dark Knight, Kick-Ass, and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, we're stuck with Green Lantern and its whopping 27% on Rotten Tomatoes. Who knows why it's such a failure, but I'm sure the dumb poem isn't helping. Leave your better poems here on Earwolf and on Facebook.

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On planet Earth,
In outer space,
All evil best stay
Out my face.

Cos if you try to
Gank phat lewts,
I'll kick your ass
With big, green boots.

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In Brightest Day
In Blackest Night
You will be overwhelmed by my special effects light
Let those who worship Hollywood's Hype
Beware my Flop
Green Lanterns Tripe

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In lamest summer, in movies crass,
No quality writing will ever last,
Let those who worship Reynold's ass,
Watch this movie! Or you know... pass.

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The acting's bland, the writing sucks,
Inspiring just groans and yuks.
Let those who sacrifice their bucks
Expose themselves as dumb schmucks.

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With this pen my fate is sealed,
I have entered into a talent deal.
It could be Steven Spielberg or Justin Lin,
Who gives a fuck I'll just phone it in.
According to my agent my career has just been pwned
And it won't be long until I'm in a show on OWN!

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In theaters now, not one I'd choose,
based on overwhelming reviews.
It's not bad, my friend accuses -
Beware! Even Doug Benson refuses!

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I find myself going to see movies I really really didn't want to see because of this podcast. It is a lot more fun to have JUST watched the movie and then listen to these so you can relate. This is definitely one movie I was avoiding at all costs but I know that the crazy CG in it will make for a good episode.

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Green Lantern Haiku

My magic ring makes
anything I can think of
Like a shit movie

or

This ring can create
A sword, a gun, a lazer
but no fucking plot...

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I was going to see this movie yesterday just because the podcast would be watching it. I saw that it was 2 hours long and just couldn't make myself do it. I'll just listen.

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"In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship evil's might,
Beware my power... Green Lantern's light!
So...am I gay now? I don't understand how this works."

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"Much like the ring on Reynolds' fist
It takes willpower to sit through this
And although the CGI stinks
At least it's lacking Jar Jar Binks"

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I'm no poet and I haven't seen the movie, but it does give me the urge to rhyme "schlock" with "big green cock."

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In matinees, in shows at night,
No demographic shall escape my sight
Let those who care not what movie they see,
Power this lantern… of mediocrity!

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Through a long ass movie, and script rewrites,
wasted talent and green screen fights,
No trope shall escape my sight,
and let my plot be incredibly trite,
the hero dumb and the villain slight,
Don't even look, not at Green Lanterns light!

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This horrible writing, don't see it at night,
Higher ticket prices just don't seem right,
Let those who would attend lose their sight,
Beware Green Lantern . . . avoid it with might!

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I wish I may, I wish I might
Keep Green Lantern out of sight.
From Ryan Reynolds to Geoffrey Rush,
You'd think the cast - a royal flush -
Would have passed on this shit, goddamned outright.

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Canada's given us so many singers and actors
From Neil Young, both Sutherlands, and of course William Shatner
But "Green Lantern" brings shame upon Canada now
While Ryan Reynolds chugs milk from this lame-summer-cash-cow
Why couldn't he just keep playing the lovable Van Wilder frat bro?
Ryan Reynolds, your ex-fiance Alanis said it best: You oughtta know.

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You guys should do Goldmember. As far as I can tell, Goldmember is the precedent that made the Love Guru possible.

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Green Lantren is horrible
I can say that atleast
just as bad as Fran Drescher's
Beautician and the Beast

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Green Lantern Poem:

Although I'm wearing CG tights,
And using hot wheels tracks to win my fights,
I'll NEVER live up to the Dark Knight,
When all I have is this green flashlight...

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Not Reynolds charm, Nor Lively's sight,
Even Sarsgaard isn't right,
to those who dare watch: prove your might,
beware this movie, Green Lantern's shiite.

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