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JulyDiaz

Episode 142 - The Phantom: LIVE! (w/ Eliza Skinner, Ed Brubaker)

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Okay before I get into "this week in feminism" I wanted to pull something from my notes I find really hilarious.

 

During that 20 minute intro I got so fucking distracted that this is what I wrote -

 

"This movie can not keep my attention. I just started thinking about what Hogwarts houses Jason, June, and Paul would be in. I think Paul is a Hufflepuff, Jason is either Ravenclaw or Slytherin, and I feel Slytherin vibes from June too. Or Gryffindor maybe... Nah Slytherin. Oh hey The Phantom showed up! Anyway I'm sticking with Slytherin for June."

 

THIS IS WHAT I WAS FOCUSED ON

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Theory: there have been at least 20 Kabai Senghs. Senghs are just as shitty at their pirating as Phantoms are at superheroing.

 

The Dread Pirate Sengh perhaps?

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When the movie started and they said Billy Zane is the 21st in the line of Phantoms and it all started with pirates. Having quite a bit of knowledge on the subject, my mind could not make these inconsistencies fit.

 

So, plot holes aside, LETS. DO. MATH!!!

 

Since the Golden Age of pirates was between 1650 and 1730 (sourced from Pirates: Golden Age of Piracy, Henry Freeman) and the current date is 1938, lets give them the benefit of the doubt and say those pirates are from 1650. this means that:

 

1938-1650=288 years between Pirates and Current Date

288/21=13.7

 

So the average age of the Phantom is 14! SO, instead,, lets talk about realistic numbers. Training your son to take over, I believe the kid should be 20 (assumption) so the father could be 40 (conservative estimate). So if the average age, minus Billy Zane, is 40:

 

1938-25 (Billy Zane's rough age)= 1913

20 (number of Phantoms)*40 (average age)=800

1913-800=1113

 

So, if the conservative estimates are roughly accurate, the phantom lineage couldn't have started with pirates, instead, it started during the Crusades, 500 years prior.

 

Sorry, just doesn't fit.

 

Not entirely, it just means that the average time as a Phantom is 14 years (assuming that you immediately become the phantom once the prior Phantom dies, but that would also mean that the average age that a Phantom becomes such is less than 14 and dies before the age of 28).

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Is this movie a Jacob's Ladder of the boy that jumps overboard as his family is being slaughtered?

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Billy Zane, however, I found completely charmless. He's beefy and good looking, but his face is locked in a smarmy smirk that doesn't suit a hero. It worked really well for him as the asshole fiancee in Titanic, but he comes off as kind of a dick here. Maybe this portrayal is left over from the 1940s Phantom; it seems like The Shadow had a similar jerk vibe.

Wikipedia says James Cameron saw this movie and decided to cast Billy Zane in "Titanic." I remembered being sort of baffled and was like, "James Cameron thought he was GOOD?" But the way you put it makes more sense. James Cameron was probably like, "Oooh. I found my smirky asshole."

 

I just started thinking about what Hogwarts houses Jason, June, and Paul would be in. I think Paul is a Hufflepuff, Jason is either Ravenclaw or Slytherin, and I feel Slytherin vibes from June too. Or Gryffindor maybe... Nah Slytherin. Oh hey The Phantom showed up! Anyway I'm sticking with Slytherin for June."

I think June is a Hufflepuff too! Just something about the way she cares for animals. Also then we can write weird real people fanfic about Paul and June meeting in the Hufflepuff common room, damnit Taylor Anne. Don't ruin my RPF!

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I think June is a Hufflepuff too! Just something about the way she cares for animals. Also then we can write weird real people fanfic about Paul and June meeting in the Hufflepuff common room, damnit Taylor Anne. Don't ruin my RPF!

Don't you ruin mine with this amazing Hufflepuff/Slytherin relationship!!!

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Not entirely, it just means that the average time as a Phantom is 14 years (assuming that you immediately become the phantom once the prior Phantom dies, but that would also mean that the average age that a Phantom becomes such is less than 14 and dies before the age of 28).

 

I see my mistake. But, if one becomes a Phantom at age 3, how even less effective are they if their average life span is 14 years? And what are the moral implications of a 16-17 year old having to have a child and raise it enough to take over. Its a exponentially negative curve as the new Phantom now starts at 1 year old and only lives to 15. One scenario is there was an outlier that raises the average at the very beginning, lets say to 40, and each generation lowers that average until we get to a 14 year average. But gain, we are talking about effectiveness of the Phantom, so in this scenario, one guy was great for 40 years and there was some that probably only lasted 2 years. I just don't think an effective hero can have a "hero life expectancy" of 14 years.

 

However, can we assume that Phantoms have more than one child? if so, my whole theory blows up. The first one may have had 7 sons, and passed it on and on. I don't think they said that, but the movie definitely leads us to believe that each passes it down to the next son, the one and only son. And if this is true, as brought in the podcast, what does happen if they have daughters?

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Regarding that outstanding five star review, has the world arrived at the (correct) consensus that Gran Torino is actually a terrible movie?

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1. I already knew Eliza Skinner was great, but her impromptu song was fantastic.

2. "The Devil's Vortex" is when two guys touch dicks and they point to the location of a third willing participant.

3. "The Phantom", on the other hand, is when an uninvited fourth guy shows up out of nowhere.

4. Paul, thank you for calling a moratorium on mid-show proposals.

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I love the live shows.

 

I had to stop and lean against a wall while holding my sides from laughing too much when Paul was reading "Chiefton with an O"s letter.

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Sorry this is really bothering me! Billy Zane was NOT in The Mummy, that was Arnold Vosloo... Thank you :D

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Haha I thought t

Sorry this is really bothering me! Billy Zane was NOT in The Mummy, that was Arnold Vosloo... Thank you :D

 

 

Not only that, Vosloo was like a million times more charismatic as Imhotep than Zane was as the phantom.

 

I do maintain that Billy pulled off a better performance as the Phantom than Baldwin in the Shadow. To be fair though the material that Alec was working with was far fucking crazier.

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This episode was wonderful by the way Ed and Eliza were both fantastic throughout.

 

One pretty significant omission is the fact that not only does Richie Aprile stay on board with Drax after he launches a spear into his brother, he also is the one who gets blasted away with the cannon later in the movie.

 

So that means that the poor mother of these two had to find out over the course of a week, that she lost both her sons by way of spear and cannon fire respectively.

 

Also who ever got to write those two obituaries had their work cut out for them.

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This maybe belongs at i was there too. but here is a picture of paul scheer, girl friend and the father.

 

jhg3dy.jpg

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Great episode! Wonderful guests!

 

They brought up the murder by microscope, but what wasn't brought up was why that guy was killed in the first place. At the charity ball, Mannequin 2's father reveals to the mayor and police commissioner that he has a "source" at the city library that has informed him that Drax has been "researching esoteric volumes" that are "kept under constant lock and key." If these volumes are so special, and potentially dangerous, why aren't the kept somewhere more secure than the city's public library?

 

Does this mean that my local library also has a super secret section full of ancient, eldritch tomes full of forbidden mystical knowledge? And, if so, how do I go about getting special dispensation to access this collection? Preferably without the librarian ratting me out to my local newspaper publisher...

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I'd like to think this movie was a light prequel to Guardians of the Galaxy.

Quill/Remar being some kind of distant relative to Peter Quill/ Star Lord. Treat Williams' "Drax" character didn't actually die from the laser blast. he just got burned to a greenish/grey crisp and the blast transported him to a different dimension where the only memory he has was getting killed by a purple man (Thanos/The Phantom) And he wakes up after the transportation (which some of the blast transports with him) to find what he assumes is his family all dead from hands of the purple man. So his life's mission is to avenge their death and destroy the purple man who he finds out is a guy named Thanos.

 

ALSO let me add that maybe Remar/Quill was also transported to a distant galaxy by the skulls laser beam. And because of the skull shaped scar left by the mystical ring, it becomes the defining trait that transforms him into what/who has now been confirmed as Peter Quills dad in the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 movie.......*spoiler**sort of...?*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ego the Living Planet

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I can't believe that you guys didn't mention this:

 

In today's world, flying in nearly supersonic jets that travel at 35,000 ft, it takes (conservatively) around 25-30 hours and 1-2 stops to get from JFK airport to Kuala Lumpur International (to say nothing of how long it would take to get from Malaysia to the goddamn Devil's Vortex)....

 

That tiny single propeller driven 1930's seaplane plane wasn't going to make it from NYC to Devil's Vortex International airport all in one go traveling at 1/5 the speed of a modern passenger jet.

 

That means Billy Zane, the magnificent grape, was holding onto the pontoon of that damn plane for literally DAYS, maybe even a fucking WEEK, of non-stop flying and god knows how many refueling stops.

 

So does that mean that every time the plane landed to refuel he had to jump off and then swim back when it was ready to go again? All without anyone on the plane or the ground noticing a man in a goddamn bright purple outfit clinging to the plane?!?! They just cut from the plane leaving New York Harbor to it landing at the Devil's Vortex and didn't even bother to make an attempt to explain how Billy Zane was still on the pontoon.

 

Lazy writing...

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Great episode! Wonderful guests!

 

They brought up the murder by microscope, but what wasn't brought up was why that guy was killed in the first place. At the charity ball, Mannequin 2's father reveals to the mayor and police commissioner that he has a "source" at the city library that has informed him that Drax has been "researching esoteric volumes" that are "kept under constant lock and key." If these volumes are so special, and potentially dangerous, why aren't the kept somewhere more secure than the city's public library?

 

Does this mean that my local library also has a super secret section full of ancient, eldritch tomes full of forbidden mystical knowledge? And, if so, how do I go about getting special dispensation to access this collection? Preferably without the librarian ratting me out to my local newspaper publisher...

 

And you know what? Those small blades on the microscope wouldn't have killed anyone. They're not long enough to reach the brain. I think the Epi-pen from The Boy Next Door was a better weapon. There are no major arteries or veins in your eyeballs. If anything, he would've died a week later from infection and septicemia.

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Does this mean that my local library also has a super secret section full of ancient, eldritch tomes full of forbidden mystical knowledge? And, if so, how do I go about getting special dispensation to access this collection?

 

arthur.gif

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- Maybe Billy Zane was made to smile so much in the movie because he has resting jerk face.

 

- Devil's vortex: Group sex in a hot tub.

 

- You can totally see Zane's nips through his costume.

 

2ryrimq.jpg

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*cracks knuckles*

 

Okay y'all it's time for THIS WEEK IN FEMINISM! *crowd cheers*

 

I'd like for my first point to be about how I really wanted Catherine Zeta-Jones and Kristy Swanson to make out for most of the movie. Diane and Kit had 0 chemistry but holy guacamole she had all of the chemistry with Sala.

 

No but seriously I want to talk about Sala's characterization.

 

When we are first introduced to CZJ's character she is a badass villain who seems to command the screen, which made me extremely excited for the good vs evil chemistry between her and Kristy Swanson which is why I immediately pretty much like "KISS HER!" But that seems to have been taken away from her almost immediately afterwards. The scene where she has Kristy tied up she is just questioning her about her boots and make digs about where she grew up. This doesn't pose problems for me at first, as they are cute boots and she can be interested in whatever the fuck she wants. However, she then allows herself to be distracted by shoes enough to let The Phantom just swoop in through the fucking laundry shoot?? That's some shit to the bull right there. So this makes me wonder why during a hostage situation she wants to focus on the shoes anyway... That's an odd character detail to throw in.

 

I think I'm going to skip over The Phantom's line "Is this a ship full of women?" because that odd shit was covered in the episode.

 

When she ends up talking about how in love he must be with Diana she literally says, "He could have had me but he picked her, that could only be love." Like wtf? Is she seriously standing there saying that she is more desirable than Diana is? Because people aren't allowed to have different tastes? Not to mention the fact that you just kissed him with no warning while he is trying to save someone? Idk this also just irks me because it's not like it's really the moment for him to just throw down and have some great sex. Really when she did kiss him I thought this was gonna be a Poison Ivy ripoff and her lips were gonna kill him, but alas I was disappointed. It also bothers me that they had that effect her esteem so much. You are CZJ. You are literally the most beautiful. Do not let fucking Billy Zane's ass make you stumble because he is literally not worth it. Go woo Kristy Swanson.

 

Oh man and I almost forgot the gossip. Treat Williams says that Sala has all the best gossip... right because the only woman you seem to have around is a total shoe obsessed gossip. *rolls eyes*

 

Also covered in the episode but when they kidnap Diana again and she says that shit to Sala about being mean and caring about things... why doesn't she say this to any of the men too? Why is she only thinking that Sala should be the one to discover what she cares about and stop being so mean? Can women not be mean? Can a woman not be a badass evil chick, Diana? I know in the moment you are kidnapped and all that and evil isn't a great thing, but at least maybe say that to Drax too or something? Hasn't your family known Drax for a while and you could maybe ask him if he cares about anything in his life? For someone who is clearly breaking gender rolls and breaking down the patriarchy there still seems to be a bit of internalized misogyny inside there, Diana.

 

And in that moment I saw the last bit of that badass villain chick I had hoped for drift away. It could have been such a better arc for her to have been evil and fight Kristy Swanson but then be drawn to her for some reason only to find out that she truly cares about her. Then her priorities start to change and she finds herself joining up with The Phantom in order to protect Diana, who she sees is able to protect herself and Sala just stands there fighting pirates with hearts in her eyes. But instead we are given Catherine Zeta Jones in this weird part.

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