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JulyDiaz

Episode 142 - The Phantom: LIVE! (w/ Eliza Skinner, Ed Brubaker)

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Also I'm so glad Paul said that was the last proposal on the show. I'm happy for your dumb marriage (congratulations! it's as low stakes and commonplace as going to the bathroom) but please stop hijacking my podcast. The sense of entitlement some people get about their super important marriage is absurd.

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When we are first introduced to CZJ's character she is a badass villain who seems to command the screen, which made me extremely excited for the good vs evil chemistry between her and Kristy Swanson which is why I immediately pretty much like "KISS HER!" But that seems to have been taken away from her almost immediately afterwards. The scene where she has Kristy tied up she is just questioning her about her boots and make digs about where she grew up. This doesn't pose problems for me at first, as they are cute boots and she can be interested in whatever the fuck she wants. However, she then allows herself to be distracted by shoes enough to let The Phantom just swoop in through the fucking laundry shoot?? That's some shit to the bull right there. So this makes me wonder why during a hostage situation she wants to focus on the shoes anyway... That's an odd character detail to throw in.

 

I thought they did that because CZJ is a woman and of course she can't function when there are cute shoes in the room.

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I thought they did that because CZJ is a woman and of course she can't function when there are cute shoes in the room.

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Two issues with this movie I could not stop thinking about throughout the entire excruciating experience:

 

1.) At the beginning of the movie there is a tremendous amount of tension regarding the truck crossing the rope bridge. Ultimately they decide to have short round drive the truck over the bridge and we all get a chuckle out of the expendable life of a child minority. In THE VERY NEXT SHOT the truck comes to a stop and the leader says "I can see on the map that we have to walk from here." THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE THE TRUCK ACCROSS THE BRIDGE?! JUST FUCKING WALK!!! It's not that much further to walk from the cave back over the bridge. It seems like a crazy unnecessary risk with very little benefit.

 

2.). My biggest issue was something the gang touched on briefly in the podcast which is the strength of these skulls. The Phantom says that they are 1,000 times more powerful than the most powerful explosive on Earth. At that time the most powerful explosive was TNT. 1 metric ton of TNT puts out 4.184 gigajoules of energy. A metric ton is a shit load of explosive, it's essentially a cube 28 feet on each side. Let's say the skulls are 1,000 times more powerful than that. Fat Man, the bomb dropped on Nagasaki, was conceived by Robert Oppenheimer 5 years after this movie exists. That bomb was 21,000 times more powerful than a ton of TNT. So if my math is correct WHO THE FUCK CARES IF HE GETS THESE SKULLS?!?!?! The US is precipitously close to inventing a weapon 21 times more powerful than these skulls. If he gets them and is expedient in his rise to power he gets what, 1 or 2 years before he's blown the fuck up?

 

So to summarize, this movie had dumb villans, a powerless hero and nothing at stake. 5 stars.

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Bonus dong

Also, from the mini-sode thread, the art deco boner elevators were super great. I posted this photo with a dick joke but it was too subtle so someone followed it up with "hey, this looks like a dong!" So, yes. Drax has phallus elevators.

 

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I actually found myself enjoying this movie a lot for some reason. It's dumb and boring, but the period elements are solid (shiny vintage cars!) and Mannequin 2's clothes are fantastic. Even dumb Billy Zane's aw-shucks super hero kind of works if I wear a cardigan and pretend to be very, very old.

Sorry I didn't even read the words you wrote before I saw that pic and noticed the bronze dong in front of Billy Zane's face.

 

As for this movie I didn't really think it was that bad for what they were trying to do. I still wonder why all of a sudden Catherine Zeta-Jones is suddenly a good guy and what powers was Treat Williams expecting to gain with the three skulls outside of a laser beam, because he is easily defeated by the Phantom's ring at the end?

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Does this mean that my local library also has a super secret section full of ancient, eldritch tomes full of forbidden mystical knowledge? And, if so, how do I go about getting special dispensation to access this collection? Preferably without the librarian ratting me out to my local newspaper publisher...

 

As a librarian I can tell you that yes, we they all have a section like that, usually hidden in the area where they have the minutes from city council meetings.

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Oh shit how in the world did I forget to immediately post this because every time I write Catherine Zeta Jones I sing it.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7dWnAFEHPM

 

(Is Entrapment crazy enough to cover?)

Entrapment needs to be covered solely for the last 5 minutes being twist after twist after twist.

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However, can we assume that Phantoms have more than one child? if so, my whole theory blows up. The first one may have had 7 sons, and passed it on and on. I don't think they said that, but the movie definitely leads us to believe that each passes it down to the next son, the one and only son. And if this is true, as brought in the podcast, what does happen if they have daughters?

There was a mid-80s cartoon series, Defenders of the Earth, that featured The Phantom, Flash Gordon, and Mandrake the Magician in the far-off year of 2015. On this series, The Phantom had a daughter, Jedda Walker, who in one episode at least becomes the Phantom when she believes her father has died.

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Am I the only one who remembers the Saturday morning cartoon show Phantom 2040? It was set in the future (2040) and had the Phantom story continuing on. With some research I found that it was incredibly well received but remains obscure. There was even a video game for Sega Genesis and and Super Nintendo. I remember watching this film as a kid because I loved the cartoon, I was incredibly disappointed...

 

phan2040.gif

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Am I the only one who remembers the Saturday morning cartoon show Phantom 2040? It was set in the future (2040) and had the Phantom story continuing on. With some research I found that it was incredibly well received but remains obscure. There was even a video game for Sega Genesis and and Super Nintendo. I remember watching this film as a kid because I loved the cartoon, I was incredibly disappointed...

 

phan2040.gif

I have a VHS tape with a couple eps of this series. Similar style to the Aeon Flux cartoons (the creator of AF worked on Phantom 2040). I thought those 2 episodes were pretty cool, but I wish the whole series would get a DVD release.

 

There was also a 2009 miniseries about The Phantom that aired on Syfy Channel. I thought that was cool, too.

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As a fan of this cartoon when I was a child, I feel compelled to chime in that The Phantom and his wife Diana Palmer have two children - a son Kit and daughter Heloise, so daughters are allowed.

Also, The Phantom is still a popular cartoon in Australia which runs in a lot of newspapers and they still publish a new comic book every two weeks. Now the Phantom spends most of his time defending the locals from European bad guys who come to Bangalla to kill and steal.

The movie was pretty stupid, but I still like the cartoon.

 

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I see my mistake. But, if one becomes a Phantom at age 3, how even less effective are they if their average life span is 14 years? And what are the moral implications of a 16-17 year old having to have a child and raise it enough to take over. Its a exponentially negative curve as the new Phantom now starts at 1 year old and only lives to 15. One scenario is there was an outlier that raises the average at the very beginning, lets say to 40, and each generation lowers that average until we get to a 14 year average. But gain, we are talking about effectiveness of the Phantom, so in this scenario, one guy was great for 40 years and there was some that probably only lasted 2 years. I just don't think an effective hero can have a "hero life expectancy" of 14 years.

 

However, can we assume that Phantoms have more than one child? if so, my whole theory blows up. The first one may have had 7 sons, and passed it on and on. I don't think they said that, but the movie definitely leads us to believe that each passes it down to the next son, the one and only son. And if this is true, as brought in the podcast, what does happen if they have daughters?

 

Plus, there have been pirates at every time in history. Roman emperor Julius Caesar was captured and held to ransom by pirates back in ancient times, and we still have pirates today.

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The biggest issue with The Phantom's father was how completely and utterly useless he was. You would think that since he's shuffled off this mortal coil and ascended into the ether to become One with the infinite universe, he might be able to offer his son more than bland, fatherly platitudes. In fact, when we first meet his father, he has less information than the Phantom does! It then seems like it's Zane's job to dump a truckload of exposition on his father, even though his father has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

 

I just feel like if you're going to introduce ghosts in your movie about magic, laser beam shooting skulls, I feel like that should replace any scenes where the protagonist is flipping through the pages of a dusty old book. Shouldn't his Phantom Father be like Ghost Google?

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. And if this is true, as brought in the podcast, what does happen if they have daughters?

 

KOSAR-Female-Phantom-mock-up.png

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i have questions about the suit ... is there only one suit? is he always wearing it? is it under his clothes all the time?

 

i ask because i am worried about the hygiene of it ...

 

it starts out and the phantom is in a jungle in africa somewhere .. then he travels to new york (thats at least 3600 miles) and he runs around shooting, sliding down elevator shafts, he's chased through a zoo etc ... then he travels from new york to the andaman sea (thats about 8800 miles) and fights pirates in very wet, humid conditions ...

 

he's in and out of water ... he's riding horses ... climbing in caves .. fighting ...

 

i hope there was some sort of anti-fungal magic in that ring cause that suit is very very tight .... he could have had a serious case of jock itch by the time he got home ...

 

 

or maybe he's got a boat load of medicated powder somewhere

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when i was watching this i was reminded of the quest and the discussion about the time it would have taken the characters to travel from location to location back in the 1930's.

 

the time spent travelling would have been weeks right?

 

looking at ads from the time it say it takes less than a week to go from america to africa or india in one of those "planes with boots on"

 

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so in real time this is how it would have played out ...

 

big action scene in africa ... now spend days travelling to the new york ... more action ... then a week to travel over to thailand ... big action scene .. then bring the phantom back to africa

 

i was just wondering ... what did they do as they were travelling? what did they talk about? what was the in flight entertainment in the 1930s? ..

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Quick side note: the Phantom does have a daughter. Her name is Heloise. The comics go into a lot more detail in terms of the Phantom family tradition. Heloise and Kit are actually twins who were born in Skull Cave. Here's a picture of badass Heloise hunting in diapers: http://www.phantomtr...it-and-heloise.

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i have questions about the suit ... is there only one suit? is he always wearing it? is it under his clothes all the time?

 

i ask because i am worried about the hygiene of it ...

 

I'm more concerned with how he goes to the bathroom while wearing the costume.

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i have questions about the suit ... is there only one suit? is he always wearing it? is it under his clothes all the time?

I was thinking this too, because that jungle looks wicked humid and he's in this head to toe body suit that looks like it's made of rubber. How is not dead after half an hour out there? Does he keep himself so hydrated that the amount of sweat that comes out doesn't bother him? Which then would make me think he would have to go to the bathroom all the time! So tomspanks bring up a good question too!

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jason was incredible during the audience questions:

 

"you gonna finish on that scarf ... ohhh yeahh"

 

 

"we have now had two engagements .. one of those marriages won't work out"

 

 

and i don't think i've ever laughed so hard at punctuation ... "justice comma purple dildo?"

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Regarding that outstanding five star review, has the world arrived at the (correct) consensus that Gran Torino is actually a terrible movie?

I don't know about that necessarily, but I do find it terrifying that that guy talked about it like it was a classic family film or something.

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I'm more concerned with how he goes to the bathroom while wearing the costume.

Such a scamp, this one.

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