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Episode 161 - The Fate of the Furious

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Good Morning!


Today's poem is a somber affair. It's an Elegy written for Brian.




"Elegy Written Over an Empty Corona: or To a Brother Retired"




Westbound highway take me home,

Where family waits and oceans foam,

Laughter streaks sun-bleached sands,

A place to rest my weary hands,

Cut and calloused though they are,

I reach them out, I touch the stars,


Ne'er a buster, ever a man,

I found there's a price for every plan,

I miss the bullets, the bullets missed me

A life now lived at much slower speeds


Catch me, O catch me, here as I fly,

Too late for good mornings,

Too soon for goodbyes

Throttle the engine,

the horizon is crested

Taking solace in this,

the peace I have wrested


So onward I drive this highway alone,

I look at the map, five miles from home,

The scent of the 'que as it chars on the grill,

I don't miss the speed so much as the thrill,

Coronas sweat rivers in buckets of ice,

With friends and with family--my paradise




With bated breath

I seek your door,

That I might enter--

at least once more

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Seeing as it's The Great One's birthday, I'll add some "Rock Facts" for you.


- The Rock has a scar on his hand, which he got in a fight in his college days when the guy he was fighting bit him after the Rock tried pulling his tongue out.


- The Rock met his first wife (Dany Garcia) when he was on his way to a sex party with his friends, he decided to skip the party and spent the night with her.


- The Rock's current fiance, Lauren Hashian, is the daughter of the last Boston drummer and co host of "Scorch's PFG TV", Sib Hashian (if you don't know what PFG TV is, there are clips on Youtube of Opie and Anthony basically doing their own version of HDTGM about them, they're hilariously bad)


- After going undrafted in the NFL, and then being cut from the CFL, The Rock was homeless, sleeping on a mattress that he stole from the back of a hotel.


- When he was 15, The Rock bought a car from a crackhead in a bar for $40


- When he decided that he wanted to enter the wrestling business, The Rock called WWF booker, Pat Patterson. When he said "Hey Pat, it's Dewey, Rocky Johnson's son. I want to enter the business." Pat, in an effort to dissuade him, just replied "Errrr... what business?"


- After signing with WWE, the company created their developmental system to train propsective wrestlers, specifially for The Rock and legendary strongman, Mark Henry.


- People often incorrectly state that The Rock's first wrestling name was 'Rocky Maivia' (an amalgamation of the names of his father and grandfather, Rocky Johnson and Peter Maivia). However, when he first started wrestling, he went by the name "Flex Kavana".


- When The Rock became WWF Champion in November 1998, he became the youngest World Champion in WWE history, ironically enough, he broke the record held by his cousin, Yokozuna. He's hold the record until 2002, when Brock Lesnar won the title from The Rock.


- The Rock's rivalry with Stone Cold Steve Austin is considered the greatest in WWE history, and became the first to feature in three WrestleMania's two of which were main events (WrestleManias 15 and 17) and the last at WrestleMania 19, which was the co-main event.


- Having lost to Stone Cold in their two prior WrestleMania matches, The Rock finally beat Austin, in what was Stone Cold's retirement match. Despite playing a villain, and in a show of respect for his friend, The Rock left the ring first, allowing Steve Austin one last moment before retiring, something which is only reserved for when legendary performers retire.


- When engaging in a feud with popular lower card wrestler, 'The Hurricane' a comedic superhero character, The Rock intentionally flubbed his lines, knowing that if he did that, they'd have to perform the segment live, as opposed to pretaping it, which would allow for The Hurricane to get more on-screen time. On top of that, Rock also had The Hurricane defeat him in a match many thought would be a quick "squash match" that the Rock would win.


I'll provide some more later.

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Jason Statham with a baby in the middle of a gun fight just makes me think of Clive Owen in Shoot 'Em Up.




So, that tells me one thing, us British people give zero fucks when we're babysitting.

and .....


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did anyone mention that the main villain in this just jumped out of a plane and then ... nothing .. i know they are setting up her return in 9 or 10 but there must have been a better way to end it. this movie had a really boring beginning and a very anticlimactic ending. i think that's why i left disappointed. that and all the cgi. and the speeding up of the cars in the race in cuba .. i know it's still used in alot of movies but not as obviously as in the cuba race. it reminded me of this kinda thing ...




and this had better effects than those used for the fire and heating of the engine in dom's car.

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and the mr nobody character is too much of a crutch. he just turns up and solves all the problems


"we can't find dom" ... "well here god's eye"


"we don't have any cars or weapons" ... "well here's a load of cars and weapons"


it's too easy.

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Hard Boiled

The natural follow up for the next FF movies is some kind of classic montage a la Jay Sherman's student film from The Critic:


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Guuuyysssssss! I got a thing in the mail!









(Can I start calling you Mr. Ginger Beard?)

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Can I start calling you Mr. Ginger Beard?)


It's better than Gingerballs...


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Question: If Cypher and her team can hack into ANY car, why couldn't they hack into the Russian diplomat's car?

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Question: If Cypher and her team can hack into ANY car, why couldn't they hack into the Russian diplomat's car?

It wasn't any car, though. It was cars with a certain chip in them that allows self-driving.


If it was any car, she could have also hacked all of the Family's cars when they were attacking Dom.

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Okay, so it's been a day and I really haven't had a whole lot of time. However, I really didn't want to break my streak, so here's a Sonnet for Shaw. It's written in the Shakespearean style because, d'uh, he's British. I'm not really that proud of this one to be honest. The rhymes are a bit too slant in places, the volta's for shit, and don't even get me started on trochees...



Anywhoo, here it is...



"Dark Pursuit"


A winter bred wolf enshrouded in gray,

A shadow that shimmers dripping red jaws,

Guided by Pluto, he's hunting his prey,

The Hound's in pursuit--the tooth of the Shaws,

You can run where thou may, run where thou might,

A peregrine sniper with eyes that can't lose,

Nothing can hide from his Unholy sight,

Strike him and only your knuckles will bruise,

Demonic heart burns--Infernal Engine,

God's Eye may watch, but He's blind to his sins,

With greasy, black blades thirsty for vengeance,

When thou fightest the street, the street e'er wins,

Righteous rage lead thee ever and onward,

Guiding thy fist for Brother and Honor

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If you've ever wanted to see Paul play with puppies whilst sitting in a pen with a laughing Jeff Garlin (and with Stephen colbert & Jim parsons holding more puppies outside the pen) I suggest you follow colbertlateshow on instagram, if you're not already, and watch his story thing. Made me smile anyway

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How did you manage to miss the enormous opportunity to do this podcast live? Such a missed opportunity.

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Okay, so I don't think the baby timeline is all that crazy. Here we go:


Fast Five - Dom and Elena meet. She somehow falls in love with him when he comes to get his cross back from her apartment and puts his fucking sausage fingers over her mouth.


Fast Six - Opens with Dom and Elena in bed together. Sometime here or slightly before is when she got pregnant. The movie takes place over a couple weeks.


Tokyo Drift - Move takes place over...let's say a year and a half (there's no clear indicator, but that would make sense for Han to move over to Tokyo, set up his operation, and train that hillbilly shitlord Lucas Black). The baby is born, and Elena starts back to work. Assuming she's just barely pregnant at the beginning of Fast Six, that would make the baby roughly 9 months old by the end of this movie.


Furious 7 - Takes place immediately after TD. Assuming 3 months of maternity leave, Elena has been back at work for about 6 months at this point, and the baby is still roughly 9 months old. The movie takes place over a matter of weeks. Hell, to be generous, let's call it a month (although I think it's more likely closer to 10 days or so). Baby's age at end of movie: ~10 months


Fate of the Furious - Baby is roughly 10 months old.




And I know people are going to be like, "Why didn't she mention it to Dom in the hospital in 7?"


Two things:

1. Hobbs is injured, and he's there to see him

2. She's still wrestling over whether or not she should even tell him.


(And also, they hadn't come up with the idea of the baby yet)



How does Brian's son Jack fit into all of this?

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How does Brian's son Jack fit into all of this?

That's something we all missed.

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How did it get made?



Because of millions and millions of dollars to be made.


I'm glad so many people like the franchise, but there really was no question of "How it got made" based on the receipts. I'm glad to get back to moves that deserve the question and my time.

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I usually respond with a "meh" when the Fast and Furious episodes come up. However, this was definitely one of the best. I really liked the end when they talked about who could play a future villain. Well, here are my suggestions if Zouks is overlooked. I went across the pond.

  • Tom Hardy: His gruff, brooding persona in Taboo might translate well, though the fast-paced FF movies might make him a less-than-great choice.
  • Cillian Murphy: He showed his interesting villainy potential in Batman Begins.
  • Michael Fassbender: His Magneto portrayal is awesome. One of the best parts of the X-Men series.
  • Brendan Gleeson: <record scratch stop> What? Yeah, the big, lovable, cuddly Irishman. He seems versatile enough to flip to being a menacing villain. If not, maybe he's the understated villain. Bonus with him, he has sons who are good actors who could play villains as well.

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So I had a bunch of boring housework to do tonight and decided to amuse myself by getting high and rewatching The Fate of the Furious, followed by listening to this episode. Good times. But there was a chilling moment - June talking about how bad autonomous driving tech could be reminded me of the recent Boeing plane crashes. 😕

Anyway. The Fate of the Furious is both better and worse than I remembered. Looking forward to Hobbs and Shaw even more now, they were by far the most entertaining thing about FotF.

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