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Stroogie

The Covenant (2006)

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I recommend "The Covenant" for one single, hilariously awful line of dialogue. Let me set up.

 

The movie is a supernatural teen thriller (that last word used loosely) about four teenage boys living the high life as the big men on their New England prep school campus, mainly because they're pretty, but also because they're descended from an ancient line of witches. So they have magic powers that they use to amuse themselves and cause trouble, until one day when another boy shows up who also claims to be a warlock and wants to take their powers. Basically, the story boils down to four powerful, attractive, privileged kids defending their position from a less-deserving, lower-class interloper. Warm and fuzzy stuff.

 

In the climax of the movie, the interloper battles the hero in a barn, and begins the showdown with this line: "I'm going to make you my wee-atch."

 

I kid you not. You must experience this for yourselves, and help me redeem the couple hours I lost watching it myself by adding your delightful commentary. Thanks!

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Oh wow, I'd forgotten this one, and with good reason! Everything about this movie is PAINFUL. It's full of scenes where people explain things to each other in a way that you would ONLY talk to a total stranger about things, not like you would talk to your kid or a friend that's known you all your life that you've had the very same conversation with numerous times before. I believe there was a bit where the main kid had used his powers irresponsibly or something, for the umpteenth time, and the mom is all like "Now remember, when you got these powers on your thirteenth birthday, I told you how you must never reveal that you and your three friends, all descendants of the original lords of whateverthefuck, have magical powers..." or something like that. She was practically breaking the 4th wall and telling us to write that down.

 

There's also some mispronunciations of towns that you wouldn't fuck up if you were a local that you would TOTALLY fuck up if you were just an actor reading off of the page and the director was Renny Harlin. I want to say "Gloucester" was the one in the movie. My dad is from Worcester, which I've seen get butchered a lot in other things, so anything spelled like that.

 

I think I lost count of all the raining/not raining/raining/not raining edits in this thing...

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Dangit, I was going to comment on this thread with the "wi-otch" line and you had to use it in the first post. Now all I've got left is "Harry Potter can kiss my ass!"

 

No, I haven't seen it. I've just read a review (it's the last of four in that post). With that, I can also say that I imagine June will love how many male torsos are on display.

 

Also, Taylor "2012 was supposed to be my big year" Kitsch is in it. Who'd have guessed anyone in this movie would have a career afterwards? Even Renny Harlin's career somehow managed to go downwards after, and this was in a decade he started with "Driven."

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If there are witches in the Twilight universe, these are them.

 

I just watched this move twice (thanks to a good rifftrax by Quiptracks) and holy crap it's stupid.

 

I get "the power" is addictive, but maybe not waste it floating around a book and magically turning its pages, specially since no one can read it anyway because of the ring of fire around it and how far away it is. Also, maybe just take your car to a shop to repair the glass, instead of burning your life force to fix it at the end when your power crappily evolved and went from kinda addictive and life draining to super addictive and life draining.

 

And is everybody played by the same guy? I honestly couldn't tell these douches apart. The ending climactic bubblematic fight scene was so confusing because I had no idea who to not care about more.

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This movie is often called "The Craft for dudes" but it's so much worse than that.

 

It was 80% exposition as characters explained the all the countless rules to the magic, and then the rules never come into play! They're completely ignored! We're told over and over again that using the magic becomes addictive and causes you to age super fast, but all the characters use their powers constantly (to blow up women's skirts and start cars) and there are never any consequences. No one turns into an insane addict. No one ages. I think they try to explain it with yet another rule that says the aging only kicks in after your 18th birthday, but the villain was like 21, had been using his powers constantly since 18, and was still able to pass as a highschool student.

 

So the hero is outmatched at the end, but thankfully they invent yet another rule at the very last minute that his father can will his magic away to him. You think FINALLY after such a boring movie that you're finally going to get to see an awesome magic showdown where their powers can literally do anything, but it ends up just being two guys throwing the lamest special effect fireballs at each other.

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Fireballs? I think you mean bubbles. (also, the lamest special effect fireballs are in m nights last airbender)

 

Also, our hero goes through several evolutions of power during the last fight, he goes into the fight a little outmatched but seemingly holding his own if just barely, then he ascends, and is still just about holding his own, then his father gives him his power...and he literally does one move to throw the other guys magic bubble back at him (which he was already in the process of doing when his father gave him his power) and the fights over. He seemingly never gains any powers or abilities with each (one would assume massive) increase in power.

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AND during the whole movie, you think they could come up with all sorts of cool ways for the villain to fight and pick off the hero's friends. They are using MAGIC that can do ANYTHING. Telekinesis? Shoot flaming snakes? Sure!

 

But no. All that happens is one guy imagines he sees a bunch of spiders and another guy crashes his motorcycle.

 

And yeah, I forgot they don't even use fireballs at the end. Just little air bubbles that make the special effects in Last Airbender look fantastic.

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Since a sequel is unlikely to happen, the best fanfic author ever (best author ever maybe), Hans Von Hozel wrote a bit of fanfic to help continue the story. It gets pretty dark.

-----

All the Covenants wanted to use on their powers.

 

"When we use our powers!" say the Covenants, "It makes a drugs!"

 

And so the Covenants used their powers.

 

They made a happy danube in the sky.

 

The people saw the Covenants happy powers, and wanted to make a using of these.

 

"WE WANT YOUR POWERS ALSO!" say the people, and they go Covenant hunting!

 

The Covenants hide in a castle, but the people knocked down the roof and a splat.

 

"Oh no!" say the people, "We have crush Covenants and now not powers for us!!!!"

 

The people made a sadly.

 

They had destroyed all powers.

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Since a sequel is unlikely to happen, the best fanfic author ever (best author ever maybe), Hans Von Hozel wrote a bit of fanfic to help continue the story. It gets pretty dark.

 

*dabs tears from eyes* It's so beautiful!

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I'm torn, although i'm sure this episode will be awesome. I can't help but wish they had The Craft instead. Because that movie really is such a hilariously awful but so goddamn watchable at the same time.

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I'm torn, although i'm sure this episode will be awesome. I can't help but wish they had The Craft instead. Because that movie really is such a hilariously awful but so goddamn watchable at the same time.

 

 

The craft is actually a decent movie, but I'm willing to admit I'm bias. My crush on Robin Tunney huge as a kid. Lol

 

 

 

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