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Episode 3 — Mortality


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#1 Earwolf Admin

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Posted 22 August 2012 - 11:00 PM

We are very grateful and trying our best to take each other’s advice by discussing mortality this week on Love, Dad. Dave & Jeff get into why we are drawn to certain vices, the desire to control one’s mortality, and if you’ll do certain things if you knew your kids were watching. The dads also talk about the fear of missing out on opportunities and Dave explains hobos to his daughter. Don’t forget to go to the Earwolf forums where you hopefully put up your Gratitude Lists!

#2 BenFromSD

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Posted 23 August 2012 - 08:13 AM

As a single guy trying to develop himself before he engages in a serious relationship, and fatherhood, this podcast has been alot of fun to listen to and very informative. Keep it up, guys!

#3 Chase Roper

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Posted 23 August 2012 - 02:07 PM

This episode made me confront the fear I feel inside when I think about death and what it would be like for family if I wasn't hear. I hate that feeling. Just this massive gaping dread like a sinking pit in my chest. Ugh.

I loved the episode though. Jeff, you're tip at the end was great and David's notion about why we give in to vices is great. It is definitely true that if we say yes to our kids all the time and give all of our time away, we will as harbor resentment as dads. I've been there for sure. I always say yes and it recently led to us getting a puppy. It's a cute little fuzzball of a dog but I really wanted to say no because I'm the one at home who will be the sole person taking care of it. It was my "last straw." Now I resent and hate that fuzzy little shit dog more than anything in the world.
I am a stay at home dad. I host this - Stay at Home Dad Cast

#4 Josh T1326657816

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Posted 24 August 2012 - 06:36 AM

The discussion of mortality and time management in the same thought is a good way to approach it. As humans we are conflicted in our drive to succeed and what that means to us. It's a balancing act to maintain a career and be involved with your family. I have a friend who just took on a new opportunity which keeps him very engaged but he's apart from his young daughter many nights in a row, I am on the opposite end with a new job that offers me more free time with my young son. When we talk we have opposite concerns, and we each are hoping for more of what the other has. This discussion of who to spend time with ties in directly to a previous discussion of how to manage time between children. In everyday life it seems that those people who demand more of your time deserve less of it. I think the goal is to know how you want to spend your time, and work on being firm in dismissing people who want to waste it while trying to maintain a loving disposition. Easier said than done.

Love the advice to consider what your children would think about your actions...but, um...can we take masturbation off the table, unless we're talking about a serious chronic problem? haha, I guess that's the test.

#5 Eric C

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Posted 24 August 2012 - 09:35 AM

My son has had to deal with loss and death far sooner than I ever did. He lost a grandparent (my wife's dad) when he was almost 4, then his other grandparents' dog and my grandmother in the last year.

I didn't have anyone close to me die until I was well into my teens (my grandfather, and we weren't especially close, so it felt really distant and abstract). As such, it took me until, really, the last few years to really come to grips with death, loss, finality, and all of the rest. In the last couple of years, I've started to lose more and more elderly family members. It's been a real bummer and a real wake up call.

And yet I still find myself drawn to the self-destructive too. Staying up too late playing video games is one of the WORST things you can do to yourself. Less sleep is bad for your heart. Ditto on sitting for extended periods. I know, why not combine those things, and then throw in some massive stress hormone release from Call of Duty multiplayer? Yay! Surely the two glasses of wine I have while doing so will counteract everything make me live forever! Resveratol!

Honestly, I think (hope?) that my son's early exposure to mortality will be beneficial - I wish I had had much more of a sense of urgency in my early 20s. A better sense of my limited time probably would have meant I would have taken more risks - I might have followed up on some things that I let slip by, might have made some bolder choices (being intentionally vague here, sorry) that might have led to a different, possibly more fulfilling path.

Something to throw into the mix: It's looking increasingly likely that among our kids' generation are probably the first humans who will live to be 200 or more. Even putting aside any "rapture of the nerd" notions of a full-blown technological singularity and the idea of our generation being able to hop on the life-extension train with them, it sure looks like bioengineering, synthetic biology, and eventual nano-tech solutions will lead to massively increased, *healthy* lifespans for humanity within this century. I feel relatively confident that barring eco-collapse or some other global catastrophe, our kids are going to have far longer, far richer, and far stranger lives than we can imagine. I'm thrilled at the prospect, and more than a little sad and bitter that I might not be able to be on the journey with them all the way to the end.

#6 copopeJ

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Posted 24 August 2012 - 12:51 PM

I officially entered mid-life a couple months ago when I woke up in the middle of the night and spent two hours thinking, really thinking, about how I'm going to die some day, and my son and I won't have any more time together. It was terrible. Now I carry that around with me and I have no idea how to let it go.

And the time management is hard. My wife spends all day with our son, so I feel like I should give her a break when I get home, but I want some time to myself, too. I have no idea where to get that unless there are more hours in the day, though. How do the rest of you fathers do it? Where do you get the time for just you?

#7 jughead

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Posted 27 August 2012 - 09:07 AM

View PostcopopeJ, on 24 August 2012 - 12:51 PM, said:

I officially entered mid-life a couple months ago when I woke up in the middle of the night and spent two hours thinking, really thinking, about how I'm going to die some day, and my son and I won't have any more time together. It was terrible. Now I carry that around with me and I have no idea how to let it go.

And the time management is hard. My wife spends all day with our son, so I feel like I should give her a break when I get home, but I want some time to myself, too. I have no idea where to get that unless there are more hours in the day, though. How do the rest of you fathers do it? Where do you get the time for just you?



Easy answer, you just deal with it. You may get some "mini-vacations" from your kids from time to time, but for the most part you rarely get time for yourself...at least when you have young children. Just remember this is what you signed up for. Both me and my wife work full time so every weekday is bascially a routine when we get home and there is no time for personal time for either of us. If something comes up and one of us can't be home at that time then its a huge strain on the other. Also, you should give her a break when you get home. I think we are all in agreement that going to work is 10 times easier than staying home with the kids, dare I even say its a "break". I would suggest on the weekends giving your wife some time to get out of the house and do something by herself while you watch your son and she should do the same thing for you some times as well. Just switch off with each other. You only have one child so that should be a piece of cake. Two kids is another story altogether!

#8 copopeJ

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Posted 29 August 2012 - 09:53 AM

I tell ya, I often wonder how people deal with more than one kid. Even one is a lot of work. I have a friend that has twins, and I spend so much time feeling sorry for that guy. I'm slowly learning to deal with the lack of personal time that comes with a toddler. Yes, the rewards of being around him and watching him turn into a person are great, but it's an exhausting life. Does it ever slow down?

#9 Chase Roper

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Posted 29 August 2012 - 02:44 PM

View PostcopopeJ, on 29 August 2012 - 09:53 AM, said:

I tell ya, I often wonder how people deal with more than one kid. Even one is a lot of work. I have a friend that has twins, and I spend so much time feeling sorry for that guy. I'm slowly learning to deal with the lack of personal time that comes with a toddler. Yes, the rewards of being around him and watching him turn into a person are great, but it's an exhausting life. Does it ever slow down?

so far, no.
I am a stay at home dad. I host this - Stay at Home Dad Cast

#10 guicemann

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Posted 02 June 2013 - 07:50 AM

Loving this show dudes! And I am not a dad

#11 AnonyBliss

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Posted 28 September 2013 - 03:18 PM

As a Mom, not a dad, my opinion may be different. But I love this podcast, and I had to interject.
I had an amazing father. Amazing.he was so perfect and also so completely imperfect. his suicide last year, after raising 7 kids has been insanely challenging to my siblings myself, his grandkids, our entire very very large family. He drank, he quit, he drank again. It was his vice. But honestly, I feel more guilty than I think angry or resentful with him. We could have been better kids, or better for him, or loved him more, or appreciated his severe and sincere hard work and dedication to us. And as another thought to what David said about being in control of the vices we carry, I had someone who came to me after my dad died. He said something to me that I really never thought about before.
He told me the wages of sin is death. That drugs and alcohol are for death, and not life. You can't keep living forever with these vices and sins. The cost of them is death. It struck me so hard as a smoker, whose alcoholic father took his own life. It dawned on me in a strange way, I can't justify my cigarette for my life, it is a vice that will contribute ultimately to my own death.But it is my own vice. So my issue is this-am I justifying his alcoholism because I smoke. I am stealing my life from my own kids. This episode for dads, not moms, resonated. I am grateful for my current health. I am grateful for our jobs.I am grateful my child doesn't judge me for my vices.
I am grateful for this podcast.
And I will now be quitting smoking for my daughter. Because whether or not we admit it, cigarettes are much the same like suicide.I do not want that for J,A,A, or R our four awesome kids.