slickricks

The First Law of Spermodynamics is "What gets turned on, must get off."

The Talk of this Head is Naming Bands.

(which can be streamed for free on livestream) is a computer-animated movie featuring Charlie Sheen, Hillary Duff, Eva Longoria, Wayne Brady, Christopher Loyd, and tons of other well-known comedic actors. After the lights are turned off each day in the supermarket it's set in, the supermarket transforms into a city inhabited by mascots for food products coming to life (think Toy Story at Ralphs). The movie also has an odd history, as the production company's computers were stolen in 2003, and numerous other delays set the release back until 2012. After failing to produce a film for those 10 years, the studio was forced to auction the movie off for only $2.5 million (despite an estimated budget of $65 million) to a European publisher that released the movie on DVD last year. And as you would expect in a submission for HDTGM, the movie is incredibly terrible in every way possible. Everything from a ridiculous plot with stilted dialog to the shoddy animation and voice acting, this movie is a big pile of turds. (h/t metafilter)

Lock the Gates! Oh, they're already locked? Well, then welcome to Comedy Bang Bang...

Creak! Slam. Sit.

Perhaps with a "Ho ho ho" beforehand?

There are a lot of great suggestions already, but since the topic came up I was reminded of the truly horrible Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth. It was originally intended to have a theatrical release, because of the obvious similarities with Scary Movie, the studio decided to release it direct-to-video (and you can see why). With 3.7/10 stars on IMDB and featuring Coolio, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Tom Arnold, it's crazy horrible in the most hilarious way possible.

I'm going to give you a catchphrase you can't refuse.

How's it hanging, inspirational poster cat?

Have you seen these Nicholas Cage Cats someone mocked up on 4chan?

Oh, sorry, I screwed that up. Can we start over? And 3, 2, 1...

I would just add the following subtitle: "Gigli: It's 'Gee Lee,' not 'Giggly.' No giggles here."

Here's a pitch for Kevin Costner's next film: "The Game After Tomorrow." The plot would involve a minor league pitcher who was raised by American Indians, and who believes in the Mayan prophecy that the world will end in 2012. His life's goal is to pitch a perfect game before the end of the world happens just a few short months after he signs on to the team (the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes, of course). His coach (played by Costner) recognizes the young pitcher's potential and tries to discourage the kid from asking to pitch every game by telling him that he has plenty of time to develop into a pitcher and could injure himself if he pitches too often. The kid warns Costner of the apocalypse, but Costner pays no attention and ignores the kid's suggestions to buy emergency provisions. One fateful day, ominous weather reports playing in conveniently-placed background TVs indicate strange tornado warnings, given that it's Southern California. Of course, that's when the kid's pitching perfectly through the first 8 innings, when all of a sudden, tornadoes start coalescing and the earth starts rumbling as The Big One hits, and California starts crumbling around the Quakes' baseball game. The kid refuses to leave the mound, but with the teams and crowd running for their lives, he has no choice but to stop pitching. After the quaking stops, the kid realizes that he has to rescue the next three players in the opposing team's lineup and get them to step up to the plate at the remains of the stadium if he wants to complete his perfect game. Costner's family dies in the earthquake, and Costner realizes that he should have trusted the kid and bought more emergency protection, so he helps him on his quest, even as society crumbles around them.