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Houston

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Everything posted by Houston

  1. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    SHHHHHEEEET. DAMN COWS GET OUT 'GAIN. NEED TO ROUND THEM UP FIRST. THEN I'LL BE THERE FASTER THAN A RUNNY SHIT CAN FILL YOUR SOCK. I'LL BRING MY LATEST BATCH OF SHINE TOO.
  2. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    The Office Saga... Continued [Lights flickered by. He could not tell if the world was frozen in time or sped up like a dream sequence in a hip indie flick. Hanson’s Mmmmmbop wouldn’t leave his head only confusing matters further.Then Dwight heard it. A slow, zzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiip. Turning, he saw Jim.] Jim: Hey Dwight. Dwight: (mustering all the courage he could find) Jim. (he straightened his tie) I didn’t expect to see you. Jim: Is that because you killed me and sexed my freshly dead body? Dwight: More or less. Yes. Also, it was twice. Jim: Good to know. We’ll we know what time it is, don’t we Dwight? Dwight: Jim, please I can expla Jim: ENOUGH! Enough Dwight. You had your fun. Now it’s my turn. [Dwight saw Jim pull something out of a backpack and felt a sharp sting on his neck and briefly saw the end of a tranquilizer dart before his world went dark. He awoke to find his hands hogtied to his feet. He could breath, but something was in his mouth. He nose was plugged or else he would’ve smelled it. The room reeked of fruit punch. As his eyes struggled to adjust to his surrounds. Everything was tinted in a reddish hue. He heard voices, but they were muffled. He could see shapes, but everything was blurred. The voices were getting closer. He could hear them.] Female Voice: Is he dead? Male Voice: No, it was just a tranquilizer dart. Female Voice: For what? Where the hell did you get a dart gun? Male Voice: Dwight’s desk. Female Voice: Were did you get the drugs? Male Voice: Meredith’s desk. She’s got everything. [Dwight was regaining clarity and realized he was encased in something. He struggled against the rope.] Female Voice: He’s awake. Male Voice: Huh. Should’ve used more of the red pills. [Dwight felt a firm hand grasp his hair and yank. He tumbled to the floor as red slime. He spat the snorkel out of his mouth.] Dwight: JELL-O! WHY!?!?!?!?!?! Jim: GOTTCHA! [Pam kicked Dwight sharply in the ribs]
  3. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    Give it time Kevin. Tragedy + Time = Jokes.
  4. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    My dad had a chronic liver disease. We found out he was sick in 1995. He got a transplant in 1998. He started getting sick again in 2003 and needed another transplant, but someone thought it was a good idea to change the way organ transplants were allocated so he went from being near the top of the waiting list to middle of the pack. In October of 2004 he began to die. I was in Texas and tried to get back to Atlanta as fast as possible. My plane was delayed and by the time I got home he was responsive. He never regained consciousness. I never got to say goodbye properly. That disappointment still lingers.
  5. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    Dixon, how do you feel about the ass pencil story?
  6. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    I bet first they were all like, "yo, you see that T-Rex? That's some shit right there. Stupid arms, sure, but them teeths?" Turtles are naturally conservative and fearful. But eventually their kids were all, "shut up old man! I can do what I want! Plus, what gigantic killing machine are you talking about? There ain't shit here but giant sloths and big ass dragonfly's". The family split up and they haven't talked sense. It's a sad story really.
  7. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    Turtles are 120 million years old and the first tortoises are thought to have walked on land around 65 million years ago shortly after the mass extension of dinosaurs. Talk about good timing!
  8. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    TWB was solid. First time listener. Greggy's family life is a bit nuts.
  9. Houston

    EPISODE 92 — Fans, Our Close Fans

    Tim, Veebs, Anastasia, and Adam, Great work! Envious of your good fortune. I meant to be there, but TSA had other plans for me. Maybe next time. Book review: I learned. I laughed. 5 stars.
  10. I'd say you can't do that, but it's been a weird few months and I just don't know anymore.
  11. And here I thought it was because you was corn-y!
  12. I like my coffee like hot and at home. Well, sometimes away from home too, but then you have to pay for it and damn the prices these days.
  13. Happy 600 Spunky! Shall your jokes ever be funny and the may the likes shine upon thee.
  14. [Darkness. He was falling. Where was he? When was he? He knew not. He did not remember his birth, but he was sure it kind of felt like this. He said a short prayer that his mothers vagina just over the horizon. Never again. His eyes adjusted and the darkness began to come to life. Moving. Undulating. Smelling? No. Darkness does not smell. That’s science. But this darkness smelled. Eat a quarter pound of shit science. He became aware of his hands. He could almost move them. Then the memories returned in flashes. PANIC. DARKNESS. Then the world faded and he was falling. He realized he must’ve been falling for a long time. Why hadn’t he hit bottom yet? Was there a bottom? Why did this abyss smell faintly of lime? Then somehow he knew. He died. Was this death? Who was he? Who was this Dwight? Was reincarnation a thing now? He was overwhelmed by the urged to stand. The lime jello fell from his body like ice cream off a cone. There he stood. Naked. Aching. Confused. Aroused.] Unnamed warehouse security person: Hey, you can’t be in here. naked guy standing in jell-o: where is here? Unnamed warehouse security person: uh, a paper warehouse dumbass. naked guy sanding in jell-o: hey man. cut me some slack. I just undied and I’m a little stressed out. Unnamed warehouse security person: (gasps) I thought that tall, lanky white dude was crazy. He ran out of here naked screaming ‘JIM’ a few hours ago. Is that you? naked guy sanding in jell-o: Jim? (ponders) yes…. they used to call me Jim. Jim the Halpert. I am Jim the White and I have returned at the… Unnamed warehouse security person: yeah ok. well, get some pants. no one wants to see HOW white you are. Jim the White: yes… Unnamed warehouse security person: Also, that crazy guy said something about ‘what have I done’ and ‘why did I wait until he was dead to act upon those feelings?’ Did he uhh… Jim the White: twice. to be continued...
  15. Ted Cruz: Texas Legend.
  16. red (or black), swollen. painful. smells like almonds.
  17. SFC. Points for D and Dog. Well done.
  18. as annie said, tomorrow is only a day away. no pcg requests dropping. will waking up tomorrow be like those folks in left behind or will it be like a different movie where people wake up happy?
  19. He went 'squatch hunting in the woods for the summer. That doe-eyed sealface should be back once prime mating season ends. He never said if he was a watcher or participant though.
  20. Jim (on the phone): Pam! Take the kids. Drive. I don’t care where. JUST DRIVE. It’s Dwight..... It’s not ok. Pam: I love you Jim. Jim: I know. [Jim hangs up the phone. Closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He tells himself he knew it would end this way, but the timing was wrong. Everything was wrong. But if you want to make God laugh, try to guess the date that a Schrute will watch the light fade from you eyes. Jim checked the roof first. The man on the moon looked down on him smiling. Jim felt the moon looked like a smug son of a bitch, but knew better that to make a sound now. The end could be waiting around any corner. Jim knew the end would come in the warehouse. Paper had shaped his life. Without paper there was no Pam. Without paper his beautiful children would not exist. Without paper he’d never have read about that day Bozos made what is now known universally as ‘The Joke’. Now paper would surround his end. He cautiously enters the warehouse. A single light shines down in the middle of the room. Years of pranks and hi jinx swirled through his mind. It was all in good fun, right? RIGHT? He didn’t hate Dwight…. did he? No. He was Tim Jim.] Jim: Dwight? Buddy…. hey…. epic prank man. I would’ve never thought to forcibly sodomize the entire office. Crazy man. No way the office will forget that one. (whispers) no matter how hard they try. Jim: Dwight, want to catch the late shakespeare show? Dwight? You here? Let’s talk about this. [smelling of lime jell-o and sadness. Dwight emerges from the shadows. He silently approaches Jim. Jim’s senses are overwhelmed by fear punctuated by the sickly sweetness of artificial lime. It is time.] Jim: Dwight, if you would just let me……… [Hands. Those strong hands. For years he saw them clickity-clack on an adjacent keyboard. Answering calls. Raging against imagined slights. Now they were crushing Jim’s windpipe.] Jim (struggling): Dwight….. please…. we… can…………. Dwight (nose to nose with Jim. whispers): how’s your anus now? [Jim’s eye’s flashed the resigned sadness. It’s the sadness comes with the knowing of the end. It had been a good ride. The light was gone. Jim was no longer Jim. He was a mass of flesh and bones wrapped in skin. Dwight began to softly weep. The sound of weeping was broken by the soft sound of flesh slapping on flesh. Dwight was slowly, tendering pounding Jim's lifeless body. He is now sobbing. Exhausted, Dwight leans close to Jim's ear and whispers “That night. In the warehouse. It should've been meeeeeeeee." [/fades to black]
  21. [Erin is talking in an animated fashion to Michael] Erin: IN. MY. ASS. Michael. What is going on?!?!?!?!?!?! Michael: (looks around uncomfortably. checks his chair. It’s clear) JIM! [Jim passes Meredith and Andy who is whistling and smiling. Meredith looks extra happy. Andy just looks like an oblivious moron. Stanley sneaks in late. Sits down at his desk. Stands up. Straightens his tie and walks back out of the office. Ryan and Kelly are MIA. Oscar was up late with the Senator. AGAIN. Jim enters Michael’s office.] Michael: Jim, someone came into the office last night and stuck dildos in all the chairs. Who would do that Jim? (Jim looks at the camera and smirks) Michael: Jim this is serious. If the head office hears about this we’ll all have to sit through another sexual harassment seminar. We could lose our jobs. Jim: Michael, it’s fine. I’m sure it was just a joke gone awry. Let’s talk to Dwight and review the surveillance footage from…………… Dwight………. what have you done?
  22. [Dwight remains motionless. The office is dark. Everyone has left to see a killer shakespearian dinner theatre in town. A particular bespectacled gent was the talk of the show. Dwight knew nothing of this] Dwight: anus. anus. anus. ANUS. ANUS. ANUS. ANUS. ANUS! [Releasing a savage warcry he runs from the room.] [jump cut to morning] [Erin and Phyllis unlock the office. Turn on the lights. They are chatting casually.] Erin: It’s a great song. The chorus goes ‘milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner fudge gets made’. I’ll show you later. Phyllis (sheepishly): I make great fudge. It won 3rd prize at the county fair. [Erin sits down at her desk] Erin: WHAT THE [bleep]! WHAT [bleep]ing [bleep] put a [bleep] [bleep] dildo in my chair. My holes are sacred! [Erin runs out of the office. Phyllis is seated and smiling. She shifts slightly to the right.]
  23. [Dwight is sitting at his desk. His body is rigid, but not in a good way. He hardly blinks. Hardly breathes.] Jim: Dwight. Dwight. DWIGHT. Look, I can explain. You know how towards the end of our run Pam and I had some problems? You know when I forgot I was a nice fun guy and randomly became a huge dick only to remember I wasn’t a dick and everything was fine? Well, the reason I was act so weird is that my time in Philly changed me. I was away from home a lot. It was a lonely time. A man has needs, you know? I learned things about myself in those empty hotel rooms. So Pam and I were going to try to spice things up, you know? Leave Scranton with a literal bang. [Dwight does not move. Does not blink. Creed creeps over.] Creed: I know about a man’s needs Jim. I hear you are a lime guy. Two words, blue raspberry. [Kevin approaches. Dwight sits motionless. The light in his eyes is gone.] Kevin: Hey guys, you ever try the corndog cleanse? Just sat on an old corndog. It’s awesome.
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