Glen Toran

Bow down, colonial scum, before the British (okay, Turkish or Greek) awesomeness that is the 'Elephant's Foot'. The food of the gods. A doner in naan with salad and chili sauce. No Saturday night was complete without one.

"Count Sodom" you say? I wonder how he earned his title? Plus, ironically, he has a daughter, so we know that he has somehow gone around and knocked on the front door at least once. I presume it was out of civic duty, he just gritted his teeth and thought of...whatever the fuck that shithole was meant to be called. But at least we do know that he's one of the lucky 32%. He's just not into that sort of thing. And if he's in anyway representative of the fertile minority of human masculinity then I think I know why the population has taken such a hit. And it wasnt fallout. Well, it was a type of fallout, but it was 'fall out' where it should have been 'stick out'. Him, Baron Blowjob, Lord Wankedout and the Duke of Dicksoft, not the most inspired example of an executive charged with repopulating the planet for humanity. Flunkey: "Good news and bad news, your grace." Count Sodom: "Well give me the good news first." F.: "We know of a guy whose nuts are riper than a black banana and hes into the ladieeeeez!" C.S.: "Great bumsex, that is good news!! So, whats the downside?" F.: "Wellllll....well, to be blunt, hes a little bit rapey." C.S.: "Hmmmm. Look we cant afford to be fussy, get him. Do you know where he is?" F.: "Errr... yeah, yeah we do. He was last seen lurking around outside .... outside Sodom Manor." C. S.: "WHAAATTT!!!! Quick, to the Buttmobile! We must hurry! I only hope that if he has done the worst that he has man gravy you could grow onions on....HURRY!" Count 'Sodom', the dont wear a johnny posters, the oh so casual attitude to sexual assault, the frog nymphomania. Damn, its true, they were definitely bucking the 'Aids is bad' message of the mid 80s, werent they .

Which one are you? <snigger>

Another one?! Congratulations to the both of you. I suppose that makes you some sort of Sam Hell of Hollywood or something, you fecund old bugger you.

Bollocks to the new one.......though to be absolutely fair, while I hate rap and hip hop, the old theme was pretty damn shitty too, and even though I despise the genre of music it comes from, the new theme is far from the worst thing Ive ever heard (just listen to the current top ten - if that's still actually a thing these days - for some great examples of that sort of festering aural dogshite). So, fuck it, Ive changed my mind, bollocks to the old one instead. Im away to crank up the phonograph and listen to my Vesta Tilley wax cylinders and leave you youngsters to your 78s and your ragtime so called music. Its really is the end of days. I really do hate rap and hip hop though. Ghastly stuff.

On the issue of the sundong, as I feel compelled to call it. I grant you that my knowledge of sun dials and other men's hard ons - whether rigor mortised or not - is extremely limited, but wouldnt you get exactly the same result just by sticking a stick in the ground?

Paul, Its a bit of a forlorn hope, I know, and also you've probably been asked this stacks of times before and I know you've mentioned it in passing a number of times too, but is there actually any chance of you doing a live show in the UK? And if so then I know its a 99.9999% chance it'll be in London, which is fine I can get there handily enough, but in the unbelievably unlikely event of you considering of going for the 0.00009 or whatever % chance of somewhere else then make it Belfast as it will only be a 20 minute journey on the train to the city centre for me thanks. I realise that its extremely selfish to ask and incredibly unlikely, but if you dont ask, you don't get and all that shit etc.

They've already done Congo which I'm happy to say that I paid to see in the cinema when it came out and enjoyed immensely and I also enjoyed their dissection of it just as much.

Dont tell her about the weather over here then. Not unless you have shares in umbrella and raincoat conglomerates.

Ive always avoided this film because growing up in the UK in the 70s the TV show was one of my favourites - the theme tune is still a classic, only beaten by the theme tune of the Persuaders. When the film came out and was greeted with universal derision then I swore Id never watch it in case it would ruin the Avengers for me. I suppose I will have to break that oath now. Oh, and Linda Thorson as Tara King who replaced the Emma Peel character in the show, was far sexier than Diana Rigg. I know that that is practically a heretical notion, but as fine an actress as Diana Rigg undoubtedly is, sticking a thin woman in a catsuit doesnt automatically equate to sex bomb.

Damn and blast! Wait though, does that tomorrow midnight mean tonight in the minutes following 23.59 or Tuesday night in the minutes following 23.59? And is that PMT or whatever you Colonials call the left, earthquakey coast timezone? Because for me the best case scenario is Tuesday morning breakfast time and the worst is Wednesday morn with my breakfast fry....and that's practically the weekend, dammit!....well you know what I mean. With all due respect and affection to Paul, June, Jason and guest and their probably busy and 'putting bread on the table' proper work schedule, can I beg leave to say.... ... Yours respectfully and affectionately, Impatient in County Down.

Snap! Just edited my post there before I saw yours was already up. So you can claim first dibs on the Garfunkel-a-like.

Or Jim (Wan) Kerr the ever so punchable dickhead who fronts Simple Minds? Art Garfunkel with a thyroid problem?

Im not sure the internet has been that much of a boost to the overall intelligence of the movie going public. Well I'm obviously taking myself as an example here. As for more recent movies, I'm pretty sure that the team have to be a litle more circumspect. Theyre all still professionals trying to make a living and -hopefully- have long successful careers ahead of them. As Hollywood isnt exactly renowned for its lack of hugely inflated self worth its understandable if they tread a little lightly were more recent fare is concerned. Theyre entertainers not investigative reporters. You dont want to piss of someone still very active and influential who you might one day have to rely on for a paycheck.

If she is then I wouldnt be in that much of a hurry to ...erm...download any of her work. Just googled her name and, nope, apart from a bit of stripping shes seems to have been a fairly busy model and actress, no porn work mentioned though thats not to say that some is out there somewhere or still to come. Wiki focuses mostly on her being a 'youtube personality', God help us, and says shes 28, which i find a little difficult to believe.

If Paul wants a new adjective, may I suggest the Belfast word 'wheeker'. As in 'You should watch that last episode of Game of Thrones, its a wheeker' or 'He hit that ball a fucken wheeker, right into the top left hand corner'.

Not in the UK its not....Godammit!

Ah, 'Teenwitch' then?

I remember a young Sly as a mugger on a subway train in an old Woody Allen film, Bananas, I think it was.

That reminds me of the, sadly, probably apocryphal quote of legendary classical actor Sir John Geilgud when asked about his involvement in the now infamous -and totally fucking awesome - 1979 movie 'Caligula': "I didnt know it was going to be pornographic when I first read the paycheck."

I have to disagree. The lizard monks who we first become aware of half way through the film came straight out of fucking nowhere. Then when Keanu has to prove to them his worthiness for the magic swords he wins through by using The Flash like speed, which would have come in pretty damn useful before on many occassions, but he just couldnt bother his arse presumably . I dont think he uses it again. There's a wonderfully clumsy bit of exposition in a film that, for a change, needs a whole truckload more exposition: "What would you, the son of an English sailor and a Geisha, know of such things?" or something. Was there 47 ronin, or 4 or 4000 you genuinely could not tell things were that confusing. You mention the historical context, well thats fine if you are Japanese or are one on the vanishingly small percentage of non Japanese to have studied Japanese 17th century history, but 99.999% of the movies non Japanese intended audience would not have a clue that the events were based on actual historical events, hopefully without shape shifters and lizard monks in reality. Can you imagine a non western audience trying to figure out a film, that without any explanation throws them into the to Sherman's march through Georgia or Washington crossing the Delaware? Or Richard III's ill fated advance to Bosworth Field or Wellington's stand against Napoleon's advance on the ridge at Waterloo? Even if they dont involve dragons. Though interestingly I think they are filming Naomi Novik's excellent Temeraire novels in which Wellington fights Napoleon with...er...dragons. There was absolutely no effort whats so fucking ever to set the scene. We were just thrown straight in with a teenage skinhead Keanu with some weird big scars on his shaven head (it was naturally never explained how he got the scars or what relevance they had to him or the, what passed for, plot) just hareing hell for leather through the trees and then going arse over tit into a river before the benevolent samurai fishes him out. Next scene, 10 years (or maybe 10 months or 10 minutes, I dont know. We're not told and with this film any of the 3 is possible anyway) a bearded and foot taller Keanu is on horseback chasing the giant stagspidercowlion. And, again, this movie was jaw droppingly stunning to look at. It must have cost a Shogun's ransom. They could get a whole episode out of the first 10 minutes (or was it an hour? Its hard to fathom).

Dear God! I've never heard of this film... thankfully, but by fuck that was grim. Im not a violent man but i would have to have superhuman self restraint not to pummel everyone responsible for that atrocity. I was particularly upset with Geddy Lee dragging up and getting involved..

I'm from the UK so we dont, or rather, didnt get that much US stand up a decade or so ago. By the way, wildly off topic but I've just heard that David Bowie is dead. Fucking shit news.

Yep, 'Hutch' is a Brirish citizen now and a big supporter and season ticket holder of Arsenal FC. Though by the looks of the size of him in that clip he might need two season tickets.