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Glen Toran

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Posts posted by Glen Toran

  1. So Keanu was fighting John Carpenter's The Thing?


    If only it were that simple.





    Thinking back in it from last night, I'm still not sure it all wasnt some unwelcome acid flashback. Was there really a forest full of sword distributing lizard monks who had raised Keanu? Because he just casually threw that into the conversation out of absolutely nowhere when his outlaw band started whinging about lack of weaponry.


    Outlaw: "But, Keanu san, we have no swords to fight with."

    Keanu: "Thats totally bogus dude, but,like, the lizard dudes who raised me in the Tengu forest have, like, a bodacious pile of magic swords they can give us. Excellent!"

    Outlaw: "Wait! Why havent you thought to mention this before, and I mean, ever before, Keanu san?! Because I have just spent the past two weeks eating small twigs and berries in the middle of this goddamn wilderness and my shit is like rusty water. If I thought we could have been able to kill a deer or even a few fucking rabbits for lunch instead....."

    Keanu: "Err...because, dude..umm...ahh...well....Hey look over there, dudes! Theres a bomb on that bus! Wyld Stallyns rule!" <runs away into the forest while the other 46 are distracted>

  2. Okay. What to take from this. Well a few things.

    1) What the actual living fuck?

    2) (spoiler) Mass suicide as a happy ending?!!!

    3) Japanese women = hotter than the core of the sun.

    4) Seriously, what the fuck?

    5) Good God, that was lovely to look at.

    6) Theres another hour or two of this knocking about somewhere, isnt there?

    7) Genuinely, this would have made more sense to me in Japanese, and I only speak English.

    8) No, please, what the eff was that all about?


  3. Thanks to the mods for merging this, I actually did use the search function for it but my fat fingers must have let me down.

    Still this is really good stuff. You cannot believe the money that must have been spent on it.

    The shape shifting Bowie fox/girl is also a spider producing vampire witch. Thats enough to go on, surely?

  4. Okay 25 minutes in and the production values are immense. Cash seems to have been puked at this, its almost intolerabably lovely to look at, and we've added shape shifting David Bowie eyed foxes into the plot. If this gets any better then I actually might spontaeously explode.

  5. Oh, Come on. Ive just watched the first few minutes of this and already a suppoesdly Japanese Keanu Reeves has taken down a giant monster cow/spider/stag/tail flailing beast thing all the while defying sporadic subtitling. Good Lord, after only 10 minutes theres enough to send Jason into a frenzy.

    I must finish this movie & report back.

  6. Theres an old joke I heard many years ago that I cant possibly post in its entirety without getting banned, but it does deal with genies and wishes and addresses perfectly two out of the three wishes.


    The Irishman (as it always is in these jokes) first asks for a never ending bottle of Guinness - other beers, stouts, porters, lagers and ales would be perfectly acceptable too I presume. This seems ideal for establishing genie bona fides and also is perfect for not drawing the attention of others, its just a bottle of beer after all. Though I wouldnt want to knock it over and forget, or it might leave one fucker of a mess given a few minutes.


    The second wish is a stroke of genius on the Irish fella's part.

    It's a pair of trousers -'pants' to you Colonials - in which every time you put your hand in your pocket you pull out a tenner - or ten or twenty dollar bills depending on which side of the Atlantic you're on.

    You see, its a source of instant but modest wealth but again without drawing attention to yourself.

    Unless the trousers are bright yellow or an orange plaid or something.

    And even then if you haul your now gaudy arse down to the nearest golf club you could blend in pretty easily while replenishing your funds.

    The drawback here is that this cash will be hard to launder. Literally, and I mean literally 'literally', not a Paul Scheer 'literally'.

    Would you risk throwing these things into the washing machine when they get a bit stained and manky?

    Of course when they reach that state then you could just hang them in your wardrobe and stick your hand in the pockets a few times while they're still hanging there if you need some funds for a night out or some other treat.

    Also if your house does get raided by the tax men - the IRS in your case, the HMRC in mine - what are they going to see? Just an old decrepit pair of tatty oul breeks hanging there limply in the wardrobe. No secret panels concealing spaces stuffed with cash, gold or drugs. So suck on that, 'the Man'!


    The Irishman's third wish, the one I cant post, is, inevitably, his monkey's paw one, his over reach. It doesnt end well for him at all.

    Lets just say that I heard the joke in the late 70s, a different time with different attitudes and its more than a little racist.

    Bearing in mind that the protagonist is a typical male, then you can probably guess the gist of his wish anyway.


    But the first two wishes are your ideal template for the next time you run into a 7 and a half foot tall genie in the street.

    • Like 1





    6) Ladyhawke (Although it sounds like they're saving this for I Think That Was Good?)






    I was just reading this and flicking through some channels looking for something decent to watch this evening and fucking Ladyhawke is on one of the channels here!!


    I'm gonna be honest, I'm more than a little unnerved. Mainly by that young Matthew Broderick's Henry V type haircut.

    • Like 1

  8. Here's the update for the recent episodes:


    Masters of the Universe - 17%

    Perfect - 19%

    Death Spa - N/A

    Lifeforce - 67%

    Hackers - 32%

    Steel - 12%

    The Star Wars Holiday Special - 50%

    Kazaam - 6%


    I remember Lifeforce when it came out. At the time it didnt seem that bad. Though I probably went to see it at one of those after pub closing time showings for horror films that the local town fleapit used to do back in the 80s, so I was probably drunk. That plus the fact that it had one of the hottest French girls ever walking around in the actual fucking nip may have coloured my critical faculties a bit.


    When I heard the Lifeforce episode lots of unsavoury repressed and unwanted memories returned like drunken cousins at Christmas. 'Oh shite, Captain Picard really did try to snog some fella...fuck!!!'

    • Like 1

  9. Was I the only one to get a wee bit uncomfortable at the joking about Paul Michael Glasers film dedication and the quip about the film being an apology for being a bad father? The tragic fate of his wife and daughters even made the papers here in the UK at the time. So I thought that someone from the States, and especially someone in the Hollywood world might know of it. But apart from that an enjoyable episode and I've enjoyed both the last two even though to someone growing up over here in the 70s, Paul Michael Glaser is a bit of a legend and aside from occasionally hearing the name I wouldnt know Shaqueal O'Neal from Alexander O'Neal. Though if Shaqueal really is 7' 6", I reckon I could hazard a guess.

  10. Just joined here after spending the last month or so catching up on HDTGM after accidently stumbling on it while looking for something to listen to to keep me alive while working night shifts.


    I saw Trollhunter a few days ago and just thought I'd give it a bump here as while its undoubtedly a very enjoyable watch theres stuff that, as the ancient post above mentions, scream out to be taken apart, prodded a bit and then flung into a corner in frustration.


    For instance, while fully acknowledging it was made on a very limited budget, the CGI goes from extremely impressive to something closer to sub sub Harryhausen seconds later and make Wallace and Gromit look like Jurassic World.


    The trolls themselves are too comical looking and after consulting wiki after watching I found out that they were based on Norwegian cartoon postcard type trolls for kids.


    Although they give an endearingly daft and laughable pseudo scientific explanation for the trolls turning to stone in daylight, or more accurately UV light, they never try to explain in any way the fact that the trolls get enraged by the smell of the blood of a Christian or believer in God, even though that turns out to be a pretty big element of the story. Also when the young Muslim camerawoman turns up, Hans, the troll hunter, who previously was pretty strict that everyone must be an atheist for their own safety, doesnt seem to give a shit that the girl is muslim, when asked if that is okay he just shrugs and says "we'll see" & that's all, he doesnt give a shit at all, even though, although Im no theologist by any stretch of the imagination, I'm still pretty sure that Muslims believe in God.

    Which might make the trolls a sub Artic off shoot of ISIS or something, just going after the Christians.


    The oh so clever electricity pylons that are actually cunningly disguised electric fences to keep the trolls in their preserve might be okay for the giant trolls but most of the others, even though pretty big, are nowhere near tall enough to be affected by the height of the wires and can just casually stroll under or maybe just duck to avoid the wires.


    Oh, and though its repeatedly stated that daylight is deadly to trolls, the climatic fight with the giant troll takes place completely in daylight. Or the grimy sunlight of the long artic summer daytime at least, but still daylight no matter what.


    But still a very enjoyable watch and worth a good kicking.


    And mention must be made of the really clever editing at the end where the Norwegian prime minister casually mentions in a press conference that there are trolls about and the ministry of wildlife guy from the film who is sitting beside him nearly shits his pants when its said. It wasnt until wiki-ing afterwards that i realised that that was the actual Norwegian PM at the time of the films release. That bit is really well done.