My uncle owns a private security company called Guard Dammit.

[My uncle owns a private security company called Guard Dammit.]

Before he bought it, it was called OMI Guard

[I got a new attachment for my vape pen so now I can use it to light a cigarette]

AAAAAND, I can use my AA keychain as a bottle opener!

[I got a new attachment for my vape pen so now I can use it to light a cigarette]

.

[Have you tried Harry's new aftershave? It's the Post-Shave Balm!]

.

[Have you tried that new chapstick? It's da balm!]

.

[Do dromedary and Andromeda resemble each other enough to suffice as a catchphrase-worthy play on words?]

I Androme-dare you.

[This just inç My balls. It's freezing in here.]

.

[Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure the medical term is spinal stenosis.]

Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure the medical term is kyphosis. Stenosis refers to narrowing of a vessel or spinal canal.

[Tickle me elmo, guv'nah!]

Sir, in light of recent events, you'll have to sign this acknowledgment, waiver and consent form if you want to engage in any tickling activities with Elmo.

[Boy, I'm feeling a little cocky just now. Sorry, I promised I wouldn't work blue.]

.

[When in Vegas, do as the Vegans do: Drink, gamble, party, throw red paint on fur coats]

When in Phoenix, do as the Phoenicians do: develop the first extensively-circulated alphabet, rise to a global seafaring and trade power, but ultimately succumb to a succession of foreign rulers and fade to relative obscurity by 2 a.m.

[When I unlocked my office door I thought I heard a noise, as I inspected the area I came to a realization. I don't work in an office! Also I'm deaf!]

I was amazed that I had somehow tricked everyone into believing that the office was mine and that I wasn't deaf. Or so I thought, until I realized everyone was dead! I can see dead people!

[I tried dressing the turkey, but do you know how hard it is to find pants that don't make a fat fowl look high-waisted?!]

Especially when you're dressing it in drag for Uncle Frank/Aunt Francine, who really needs a pick-me-up right now, because her hormone therapy is really kicking her ass.

 

Jerry! Jerry honey, would you get me another bottle of wine?!

 

God, I hope this works.

[Hey Guys! Have you ever sat down to pee just cause you needed to sit?!]

Fat dads, you know what I'm talking about. Everyone else, take a break.

[But Mr.Murphy my mother birthed me]

She didn't tell me that I'd take her herpes per stirpes*, but I got the purple slurpees, and that's the durnkey's tits.

 

*It's funny, and it rhymes, trust me. Or don't. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Per_stirpes

[Ask not what your cum tree can do for you. Ask what you can doo-doo for your cum tree. Yes, shit on your cum tree.]

Is a "cum tree," like, where you hang your gym socks up to dry?

[Dutch angles, Dutch ovens... Dutch don't know anymore!]

Dutch dikes, Dutch boys...Hey, don't Dutch me there!

[I think I need to vent some plasma residue.]

.

[Get this cheese to sick bay.]

Actual quote from Captain Janeway.

[Stop. Nobody touch this body. I'm calling it. Time of death...Hammer time.]

Cause of death: blunt force trauma.

 

 

Could've been a hammer. Maybe. That would be funny.

[Mac and Cheese makes me Mac and Sneeze, this makes the customers at my restaurant want to Mac and Leave.]

Just like Jack and Steve, they like to Jack and Skeeve, but when the place is empty they get on with Jackin Me!

 

To the beat of "Whatcha Want" by those impish scamps The Beatsie Boys.

[That’s once, twice, three times you’ve swiped your debit card, lady. Would you like to borrow ten dollars?]

And may I say, in my experince, shouting "NO WHAMMIES!" doesn't help.

[Considering the sheer number of seashells already on the seashore, her choice of location was somewhat questionable from a business standpoint.]

I disagree. Her business plan clearly states that she would sell seashells *by* the seashore. In a busy boardwalk setting, a lot of people aren't going to want to go all the way down to the water to pick over what's left after she's already collected the best shells.

 

I'm in for a 40 percent stake at $200,000. We're going to get you an LLC, some branding, some advertising, and this is going to be a sensation.

[So that’s one, two, THREE balls!? You, my friend, are a tri-testiculared freak!!]

But such a charming name: "polyorchid".

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyorchidism

[After mini long years filled with epic nanoseconds blasting whispers fossil record spins Victrola's search for tonic.]

Is that to the tune of "She'll be Comin' Round the Mountain"?