Mekhi Phifer

These live eps give me weird anxiety (except for the one at SXSW - they really had command over that crowd).

I CAN CONFIRM THAT.

WOW. Was not expecting that, but here goes... Whether your brain is being deftly operated by a worms or not, Houston, I would be HONORED to call you my step father. My answer is yes! YES! A thousand times, yes!!!! Is my Mom "single"? Relationship-wise, yes... physically, she does *technically* have a conjoined dead twin. I hope you're not one of those superficial types that lets something like that get in the way of a potential super-intense step-son relationship. P.S. I'm nervous about your predisposition to "not yelling"... Dad, that's just how she and her dead twin sack communicate! You'll get used to it.

OK EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!!! I've noticed I've been posting and some of you "oldies" haven't been liking my posts. WHO IN GODS NAME do you think you are?? No really, who are all of you? I am very new here. I've been here more briefly than the majority of you shit-for-brains, that's for goddamn sure!!!!! If this place doesn't deteriorate more rapidly (and thus become a more welcoming environment for my pathetic contributions) I'm going to have my mom sign up for an Earwolf account.

I think we all thought you were... the nicest one here?

On the FIRST day?? Damn. You're gonna be running that company in no time!! It took MONTHS before I finally realized a giant billowing pair of cargo pants was the answer to this problem... paired with a smartly tailored coat and tie, no one's ever been the wiser. Meanwhile, I'm strolling around with anywhere from 3-4k envelopes on me at all times.

Congrats on the new job! Hope you have a great first day, and that you're not so nervous that you feel too embarrassed to ask where the office supplies are located and instead frantically rush to Staples during lunch to personally purchase 500 manila envelopes that you then have to shamefully/ineffectively sneak back to the office so you can complete the ONE SIMPLE TASK you've been given on your first day... But, I'm sure that won't happen, because that would be ridiculous. And I definitely didn't do it twice!

cannot stop laughing - thank you for this

I will never forget the icy, detached stare in Hayes' eyes... P.S. Anyone else get choked up when Chanson's dog turned out to be Hayes' Patronus???

You'd think a guy that successful would prefer to purchase fresh, clean food for himself, but sure enough each night we'd find him outside rooting through our garbage cans, elbow to elbow with the neighborhood raccoons, searching for "tasty treats 'n snacks." As always I'd grab a broom and chase him off down the block, knowing full well that we'd be inevitably doing it all over again the following night, and the night after that... until the night he didn't come, and never would again. RIP.

Make that 3 likes. Paid off INDEED!* *please refer to photo of me tipping my cap, chosen many months ago in anticipation of a moment precisely like this... guess all my hard work paid off too!!!!!!!!!!! #blessed

I made this after Julie's last episode but before I knew how to actually post images to the forum (thank you silvrwoman & lizzy). I didn't want to just trash it, but I knew if I filed it away somewhere I'd forget about it and one day a cherished family member would stumble upon it after my death and question everything they ever knew about me/life itself... SO, I've been staring at this creepy little naked thumbnail on my desktop for 2 full months.

Point well taken. As such, I'd like to pose this non-podcast related hypothetical query to the forum: The big day is here. It's time to reveal to your long-time best friend that he's not the many-decades-younger BFF who looks exactly like you he always thought he was, but is in fact your biological son. How do you break the news?? a. Take out ad space in your local church newsletter and confess via Zodiac-style cipher b. Screen "Empire Strikes Back" on repeat, shouting his name/your personal circumstances over the dialogue where applicable (Ex: "No, [DALE]... I am your father [for some reason, even though I only have one testicle and your mom and I banged like, one time!]" c. Treat him to dinner at Olive Garden and assume the message has been received by virtue of their famous slogan, "When You're Here, You're Family." Never think of it again.

Here's a P of my D in the pool! (This P got a lot of weird shrinkage jokes on social media. I've always thought of my D as a big guy!!!)

You were 100% right... I just found a copy of the original LP and the cover art REALLY clears up a lot of this confusion.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET AWAY RUPERT MURDOCH!!! EVERYONE HATES IT! *WE* ALL HATE IT (right guys?? )!!!!! (P.S. Wow, even this publishing genius thought his name was in the song, even though it only ALMOST was... I guess this happens all the time, and to the smartest people in the world, too.)

EGGO WAFFLES TEASER 2015: A blanket of black sadness clouding over my heart, blotting out the very light that guides me towards my fragile will to live. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJtEEa8k9_s

Those ads make me feel simultaneously ashamed and weirdly protective. Like, if you had a really precocious kid who annoyed the shit out of you, but you hate anyone you suspect might also think so?? It's second-hand embarrassment... and it's tearing this country apart. #Cruz2016?

Well, it's official. This is the worst day of my life... time to tip a mug of poison into my mouth.

WAIT WHAT???

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??? Guys, not to get too personal but I JUST had to suspend my campaign for Presidency and THE ONLY thing I wanted was to run into my lair, flop down on my bed and sob into my pillow while listening to the latest ep of my all-time favorite, definitely-won't-ever-hurt-me podcast, Hollywood Handbook... WELL imagine how loud my sobbing got once I realized Shawn & Haze were stripping my name out of the opening song and had recorded an entire episode about it just to rub it in my face!!!!!!!!!! As if the betrayal of the entire United States of America wasn't bad enough... Cryingly Yours, Mekhi Phifer/Ted Cruz

TELL US EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Decided to check out the CBB forum for the first time today... scorched yet again by another foolish flight straight into the brutal blistering reality of the fiery-hot sun. WHEN WILL I LEARN?!? #DAYOFHARDTRUTHS #NEED2SOULSEARCH

Had the exact same thought... yet once again, I was made to taste the bitter medicine of my own tragic hubris getting the best of me. This is what happens when we soar too close to the sun, on wings made of dreams of "another shoe". THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DARE TO DREAM.

This ship has clearly sailed, but I thank you for your guidance and kindness... in my darkest hour of despair, you shone a (silvr-y) light of hope, and I'll be forever grateful. And for what it's worth, it was a poster of Mr. Levi "My First Name is Jeans, My Last Name is Weens" Johnston courtesy of his 2009 spread in Playgirl... so, I think this all worked out for the best.