CaptPukeFish

They say drowning is the worst way to die. I say it's drowning in piss.

Dear diary, Scott read my catchphrase today and it made me cry. Why do i let him use me? Prom in 3 weeks, so we'll see.

Put it away Muffin man. I don't know you like that.

I knew her back when she just wrote murder; no obnoxious comma needed; before the creative writing classes and the booze.

Do you reject Satan and all his work, including his earlier, more folky jazz, underground independent shit?

Before you ask - yes its a birthmark, and yes its contagious.

But who will sympathize with and pity me?!! A willing patron that can afford the price of two coffees a month and already happily gives it to these deserving artists, but then also enjoys the ads because they are delivered in an entertaining and comedic fashion that I also get a level of enjoyment from? Where will I find consolation? When will the unbearable pain and injustice of this world regress for me and my ilk? Please present your answer in the form of a dance number, or I walk.

When I became a man, I put away my childish things, but when I became a lady-boy, that's when the real money started coming in.

It's not easy being a stay-at-home mom, but for someone like me - a homeless man with no children, its nearly impossible.

Relax, it was all just a dream. Now bite down on this, and bend over. We need to retrieve that dream while it's still fresh.

Thanks for cutting the crust off for me, Ma, but if it's all the same, I'm just going to throw this yogurt in the trash.

I apologize for my nervous tick, but he had a really traumatic childhood.

I weighed the pros and cons. 11 pounds to 16 pounds. Congratulations to the winner.

No doubt she would've succeeded dear Watson, But she failed to account for the most important element of them all - her inverted mooseknuckle.

Look, I don't want to step on anyone's toes, but this floor is composed entirely of severed human toes.

I didn't choose to co-host this show about shoes,the host of Shoe Show Coast to Coast chose me, and chose my shoes! Now here's your host, Shloewste!!

You wanna know what leaves a bad taste in my mouth? Leaves. Eating leaves.

I know. Killing the mother bear in that fist fight assured those cubs' survival. Let's talk about later. Your 9th birthday. The ChuckECheese incident.

A violent, lurid abomination that manages to be an affront to god, nature, and man. Parents will enjoy it too. Three and a half stars.

Dad used to take me behind the woodshed a lot when I was young. Yep, watchin dad read porns and drink whiskey behind the woodshed. Those were the days

And now, a moment of silence for anyone that hits MUTE during the reading of this catchphrase.

That's me outside your window, lurking in the tall grass in my Bugle Boy cut-offs. Morning will come soon.

Throwing rubber chickens at the grieving families of the great rubber chicken factory massacre is not funny.

Oh those end times, those laffy-taffy shaking end times.

He never let them see him sweat. But when he died, they found dozens of barrels of sweat stored in his basement, so who the fuck knows.