CaptPukeFish

I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, n what do I find? My friends n family surrounded by piles of chewed gum, crying about my hyper-aggression.

Less like a rhinestone cowboy and more like a kidney stone Indian.

If you lick my frozen pony, I’ll let you eat my old bologna.

All of these suspicious facelifts are sure to raise a few eyebrows.

How much wood could you chuck at James Woods if you caught him putting pudding on his morning wood?

I saw you do piss poor on the hearing test. I heard you poor piss on the eye test. But the piss test? That wasn’t shiiiiit.

When I became a man, I put away childish things, and when I came on the elephant man, we watched season two of Stranger Things.

Two for the matinee showing of Basic Instinct, and one in the stink.

Grey Poupon for my friend’s hot dog. Hot poop on my friend’s Groupon.

I think anyone that believes they need to have an MRI should probably have thier head examined.

Miami convents don’t have nuns unless they got funds, son.

It’s the bees knees AND the butterfly’s dick.

Hope floats, but with enough salt, anything floats. The deleted scenes of Hope Floats taught me that.

Didgeridoo or didgeridoo not, there is no didgeritry.

I like to think you can tell a lot about a person when they commission you to write thier biography.

There’s something about not being able to poke an inexperienced masseuse that rubs me the wrong way, and I just can’t put my finger on it.

*audible gasp

If u want my advice, I’d say just walk up real cool n confident, look me in the eyes and be like “hey bro, how bout giving me some advice some time?”

Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining, pee on my face while we watch Purple Rain. RIPrince

As your psychologist I have to be honest with you, I’m just a picture of your mother taped to a bucket of used condoms.

In my day we used phone books, but nowadays everybodys gluing together a bunch’a smart phones just so thier kid can sit a few inches higher in a chair

I can feel it in my bones, so I won’t stop chewing until I reach my bones.

Eveyone’s worried about the polar icecaps, but nobody wants to talk about how the word “cap” is another word for “hat”? Like, Really!!?

Put it in my foot-pussy you Cowboys versus Aliens watching mother fucker.

If you’re looking for something to walk around on during those lazy summer days, nothing quite beats a floor.