CaptPukeFish

In the land of milk and honey, the one-eyed man is king, and if you’re lucky, on Kings day, you will be chosen to pour milk and honey into the hole in his face where his eye used to be.

It’s like my future self is always going to say, whatever you do, do not, submit the meta time-travel catchphrase.

I don’t have to stand here and listen to this! But I do have to lay and here and sniff it. That my fault for not reading the fart contract.

I was never a big fan of anal fungus, but it’s starting to grow on me.

Inside of you there are two lions, or is that people dressed as lions? This is gross. I am not watching anymore of this.

God works in mysterious ways, but not as mysterious as me. Maybe think about that before pulling some shit fool. Hashtag blessed.

Look, I’m not trying to split hairs here. I’m trying to put a bunch of hairs together, and get all kinds of nasty.

They call me mellow yellow, but my friends call me a manic depressive who still pees the bed.

There are no stupid people, only stupid catchphrases, like the one your hearing now, stupid.

Absinthe makes my farts blow stronger.

Comedy. Comm. eh. Dee. Comedy. Could you use it in a sentence please?

Get those hands off my tankini, and get those glands on this stank weenie.

A podcast strong enough for a man, but PH balanced for a wolf man.

Judge Judy not, lest you be judge dredd.

There comes a time and a place. The time? now. The place? Your ears. The comes? Courtesy of yours truly.

Ooh baby I like it raw, but I prefer it medium rare.

Well, now you know why they call me ‘thigh brows’.

It’s like Bobby deniro once said to me, he says, “Put down that knife, I’m not Robert deniro.”

If there’s one thing I learned from my dear grand papa, is if you’re goin to Mardi Gras, you better know Krav Maga.

In reality, the trip was kind of dull and repetitive. We sort of just played similar sounding music over and over again. If I’m being honest with myself, it’s probably the main reason I developed a debilitating drug habit.

For a person with no legs? Idk. We’re almost there tho.

As a paraplegic, if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s up.

You know what I can’t stand? Chairs without legs.

I’m off like the prom

You can lead a man to water. That mans name? Water killer Joe. The end