Episode 145 - The Lost Boys (w/ Dallas Sonnier) in The Canon Posted March 15, 2018 I admit I enjoyed this movie as eighties dreck, but it’s utterly ineffective as horror and lifeless as comedy. I saw it when it came out and hadn’t liked it at the time. Now I think I can articulate what’s gone so wrong with it.</div> The first thing has to do with Star, the Jami Gertz character, who’s clearly been shoehorned into this picture. She’s hopelessly miscast as a she-vampire whose erotic aura of suffering is supposed to give her a mysterious mesmerizing glamour completely entrancing to the Jason Patric character, when in fact she comes across here as she does in almost all the movies she did in the eighties, as a bland spunky Jewish girl from Jersey. She also screws up the theme of the film. It’s called The Lost Boys from Peter Pan, about kids who never have to grow up; no girls allowed. The idea you could remain young and hang out with your buddies forever and ever and ever is both appealing and frighteningly pathetic. Also, because this group of Lost Ones is supposed to be in their late teens there ought to be a sickly homoerotic undercurrent. The romance needs to be between Patric and Sutherland’s blond New Wave vampire-thug, as he slowly seduces Patric to the dark side of male bonding. By using Gertz as Patrick’s way into the club, however, all this is short circuited; we’re never given even a whiff of anything darkly perverse going on between the boys; nor do we feel that Patrick’s character is particularly interested in being one of the gang. They just stand between him and his getting the underwritten girl. Gertz and Patrick are so uninteresting together that their “steamy” love scene, shot in corny dissolves and saturated with terrible music, is MTV kitsch, good dull clean teen fun. The second big prob is that the filmmakers are incompetent in dealing with basic vampire lore and rules. You’re never really sure which vampire things apply to whom here. Garlic doesn’t work, but holy water does. What about crosses? If Max, the master vampire, has to be invited in, how come the rest of the gang is able to simply crash the place? The weird thing is, there was a convenient device introduced in the movie which could have spelled all this out for us: the vampire comic book that the Frog brothers gave to the Corey Haim character. Yet we’re never shown even a frame of it! As a side note, if the bathtub filled with holy water has a plunger in it, as it must, then why do all the other sinks spew gunk and the toilet explode? Joel Schumacher is a filmmaker without style. There’s plenty of stupid slick spectacle and overwrought set decoration, but he has no idea how to make use of cinematic means to express what’s in the material. All that flying camera and the characters’ annoying screaming is simply goofy and tiresome. The third thing wrong is the most enjoyable. At the beginning of the movie Schumacher gives us a montage of all the punks and freaks that live in Santa Clara, California, but they are nowhere near as odd as the normal, E.T. style family, our protagonists, who move there. Clearly none of these people are related to each other. Patric and Haim could not possibly be brothers, Dianne Wiest’s insultingly conceived mom character could never have popped out these eerie showbiz kids, and the grotesquely cute codger grandfather belongs to another film altogether; his saving the day at the end is groan-inducing. But the strangest part of all this is Corey Haim, whose frosted coif and bizarre unchildlike wardrobe make him look as if he had been styled in a New Wave gay ice cream parlor, which Max the head vampire also seems to patronize. During every single scene with Haim all I could think was, what in the hell is this kid wearing?!!! And at that level, I suppose, it was an effective horror-comedy.