TootyBut2DButt

I’m sorry Miss Piggy, I hate to be ham fisted.

I love roller coasters but people do spill a lot of drinks at my house.

My dog quit today.

I thought women named Dr. Christmas Jones only had an orgasm once during sex similar to how in a yearly period the similarly named holiday “Christmas” only occurs once.

I’m about to drink more water than you can ever imagine.

General MacArthur from the top rope with a DPRKO.

Varnish my wood, Mr. Carpenter.

I just found out about kinetic typography and my mind is blown.

If you ask me Martin Luther was a king! Where are all my P-Ref heads at!?

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." said the emotionally abusive partner.

The only thing I'm on is mic #podcasters against drugs

Hi my name is Toe Tapper, you might be familiar with my brother, the child that our parents loved and didn't give a pun name to, Jake Tapper.

Choosy beggars choose Jiff.

Going through difficult divorce, please venmo anything you can spare, I’d be eternally grateful! @OriginalBGates

I contain multitudes (of farts).

As a CIO, SAP is my favorite ERP for HRM, great ROI for your PnL.

I don’t mean to brag but sometimes my periods are so big I need a blood transfusion.

I didn’t understand why my dog kept humping my leg until I realized my leg looks like a hot dog.

Somehow I managed to shit my pants but not my underwear.

Someone tried to dox me but the joke’s on them because I’m a drifter.

It’s a sad movie? Well the joke’s on them because I was already sad. Nice try, filmmakers!

Good news. After 10 years I have finally removed the chicken bone that was lodged in my throat.

Would it surprise you to know I was was once considered very thicc.

Some day there will be no teens.

Eye yam star tang eh cum penny.