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Everything posted by TootyBut2DButt

  1. My nickname in college was Beef Stew but you can call me by my Christian name: Beefaroni Stewart
  2. Guess who’s got two thumbs... And yes, I am thinking of one specific person.
  3. I’ve been struggling to have oral sex with my Spanish-speaking girlfriend so I started using Duolingus.
  4. Humpty Dumpty sat on my lap, Humpty Dumpty took a big crap. Then he had a little “accident” on a wall.
  5. After a dark period the Hamburglar has moved on from Hamburglaring to Ham-murdering.
  6. My baby is reverse balding.
  7. Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species; in every part of the world they’re making lots of feces.
  8. In high school I was in a gang of average girls called the mean girls.
  9. Dial 1 for my butt. That is your only option, you may not hang up the call.
  10. I consider fiat currency to be the gold standard of monetary systems.
  11. Sometimes if I eat an entire pizza I get heartburn, uhhh, what gives body!?!?
  12. Hey Rodney, maybe people would respect you more if you stopped using double negatives.
  13. People don't seem to respect me, the only pen pal I ever had was a pig.
  14. Turns out the person who told me I had bad skin wasn’t a dermatologist they were a racist.
  15. You had me at “Lay on Macduff”, don’t mind if I do.
  16. Grab your guns and let’s go find out how immortal this bard really is.
  17. I put the cuum in vacuum.
  18. Diapers for shits, vipers for pits when, when it’s me on the aux cord I play the hits.
  19. I know the pet food business is competitive but as the CEO of Purina, using the phrase “dog eat dog” so much is raising suspicions.
  20. Babies are famously bad at sleeping and certainly aren’t a model to aspire to sleep like.
  21. I was going to touch him with my hot feet to warm him up but I got cold feet.
  22. If you hit it, you must acquit it.
  23. I’ve seen Batman begin but now I’d like to see him finish.
  24. I think I’m going to hit the sack, said the dominatrix.