Baby come back, you can spray it all on me. I was so wrong, thinking I could ever get it down smooth.

[Baby come back, you can spray it all on me. I was so wrong, thinking I could ever get it down smooth.]

I swear this isn’t taking about what you think it is. It’s about where one partner is depositing their stuff and how the other feels about it 

[One of by Land, two if by “See, I told you it was a bad idea to not send them by land AND sea, Karen! King George is gonna be super pissed and I’ll be dammed if I fall on the sword this time. And no, I don’t care that I’ll have to raise the kids alone.”]

Karen should’ve fucking thought about it for even a second. It’s her own fault. Does any one know the number to A good sitter? Or adoption agency?

 

either one is fine at this point.

[Take the good, take the bad, take a poop, stanky hand... Siri, remind me to buy toilet paper.]

Happens to the best of us. I mean It has to, right?

[Suffering from an acute case of “couldn’t find a fuck to give-a-tosis”. Also pancreatic cancer.]

When it comes to unfunny cries for attention and barely disguised pleas for the help of a licensed professional, cancer jokes are the new “‘blank’ is new black”-s.

[Step one: skip to step two and ask yourself why you even bother pretending to read these instructions you have no intention of following. Step two: wonder why nothing works the way you want and is always catching fire.]

Just one more try, no need to adjust or try a slightly different method. It’s sure to work and not fail catastrophically this time. Right?

[I took too long to take Tiu-Long to Take-Two. Long toot aches, too.]

This tooth ache won’t take tools, on to the taint, fool. Uncouth, the taint-tooling tooter took a Tuinal

[What if, for the next hour and a half, we just forgot about the fact that the world is full of horrible people intent on hurting anyone that they can, and listen to a man talk to interesting people? That’s what’s up, hot dog.]

Or maybe we’ll all just drown in a sea of twitter hate and crawl so far up our own assholes that we can no longer function in any way and die a horrible, shit-in-our-ears death. Which is arguably not half as bad a death as we deserve. 
 

welcome to the show you’re listening to! (But don’t read this part! It’s just insane ramblings of a truly sick mind who is pretty certain he means well despite his inability to match his actions with his ideals/rhetoric.)

[Top of the mornin’ to ya! Just poppin’ some corn’ta chew up, while watchin’ some porn’ta screw’ta! Pop some corn, cop some porn. Today the Bang Bang comes before the comedy.]

Pop some corn, cop some porn. 

[This Halloween, let us all remember the real reason for celebrating on this day. It’s the “Hallowed Eve... of Anthony Kiedis’s Birthday“! Got some candy? Give it away, now. Blood Sugar’s in check? Magick!]

They’re red hots... not Mike & Ike’s

[Momma always told me not to take candy from obvious pedophiles. But I always was a sucker for a blow pop. Awww jeez I think you misunderstood basically everything I’ve said Mr. Predator..]

Same as the same as above stuff

[Ever since I can remember, every scent I can re-members every cent I cannery member. Effort sent psyche an ream embers.]

the surest signs of an undiagnosed spectrum disorder Ever displayed by a person with a spectrum disorder that they thought may like a little brother, or like a pet, depending on the severity of the new one and the alpha/beta dynamic during feeding time.. I know my firstborn autism hates sharing the attention and lashes out, which may be what created this new contender for the title of heavyweight “reasons I can’t make a relationship last longer than a season of “pick-a-show-and-make-it’s-season-half-as-long-as-it-is-And-then-air-it-all-in-a-2-week-period..”

[If only we could travel back in time, I’d save myself the sheer, incomparable, soul-crushing agony that is a human life on planet earth. One more minute and that bee sting in preschool would’ve caused anaphylaxis. At least we raised the price on epi pens.]

Anaphylactic shock and AWWWW

[Eating chocolate, doggie dropped it.. wait what?? You seriously think I’d be dumb enough to eat shit that came out of a DOG!? Please, I have standards. It’s human shit or nothing.]

It’s more of an acquired taste... a choir’d taste.. uck-wired tays’d.. 

[So I take it we’re not going to discuss the elderly gentleman furiously masturbating in the corner? I feel bad, he’s obviously on his final spank bank withdrawal. (Alzheimer’s is like a mortgage crisis for the spank banks of the elderly)]

That’s what they get, screw the corporate money-monkeys, and their inability to stem the flow of subprime mortga-jizz flooding the market with folks unable to masturbate but with members more engorged than they’ve ever been..  now people are eating their dogs just to find something to jerk off to, just to justify the exorbitant 28% compounding interest rate on late-in-life Spank Bank loans/lines of credit..

 

Member FDIC(K)

[“She’s so heavy”, he thought to himself, as Lovely Rita ran and won the Hundred Meter, but made a mess out of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer-Throw.]

Olympics?

Oh-Limp-Dicks? 

Ol’-Pimp-Tricks?

however you spell it, that shit cost me twenty grand. Never bet on a girl whose name rhymes with her menial law enforcement position and  who unironically ran in the one Olympic event that could almost be used to make a shitty pun using some of her name and occupation and a descriptive adjective describing her appearance.

maxwell’s silver hammer is his penis, by the way. Beatles are Charles manson’s Inner demons 

[if fortune does favor the bold, and whores sell their favor for gold, then the truth is that we would abuse the tax free nature of taking payments for loads]

Don’t read into it too much, it rhymes, and that’s about all. If you find some sort of meaning, more power to ya, but i assure you it is as devoid of meaning as every other aspect of my overwhelmingly underwhelming and unfulfilling existence.

[I’m sorry, Mr. President. The outlook is bleak. If we had caught it sooner... hindsight’s 20/20. Anyway, your stage four cancer of the black pit where you should have a soul is already inoperable, and frankly I’m still upset you had my dad deported.]

Burn in Hell, you soulless brown person hater

[One if by hand, two if I’m kneeling, three if you manage to spew on the ceiling.]

Affluent Effluvia Affectations and Affable Aff-Holes

[I want “an Albert” in the streets, but “an Al” in the bed.]

I just came to the nnnnnth degree

[Have you ever done so many recreational drugs you forgot the thing you were supposed to do instead of party with drugs by the way do you know where I can buy drugs I am not a cop oh crap I remember what I forgot to remember. Damn Uniform. Anyway...]

Cop Shenanigans and Wacky Entrapments, vol. 4

[Tie Fighters are like kissing your sister; Skywalkers always end up with one or the other, but only the males. Females on the other hand, they just always kiss the brother. Even when he’s not super into galactic incest.]

Why did this thought enter my brain, and why did I then let it escape my brain through my fingers into a screen and hit a button on said screen to broadcast it to a forum full of people who, while strange and completely devoid of any semblance or moral fortitude, probably aren’t down with incest in space.

 

whats that? Everyone here loves Star Wars? Especially the sister kissing? What’s that? It’s 1/3 of the people’s literal biggest fantasy?

In that case, enjoy the thing I wrote that you all love because you people are sick fucks with the desires of Bonobo chimps and the brains of some stupider, easier to entertain chimp. Maybe just a bonobo who’s like a REEAAALLLL fuckin’ scumbag.

The type of chimp that just refuses to take “bo-NO-bo” for an answer. 

 

Fun fact bonobos are super into incest, and also group sex and are the only ape that engages in sex as a reward/means of persuasion/recreational, and also only type that perform oral sex and missionary, and also love to swap partners and the male Bonobos will band together before a hunt and agree to split the bounty as the females only fuck them if they return with food.

BonoBROS  literally help each other get laid. 

 

I consider them them far more evolved than humans in this regard.

[I always knew i was a genius. Suck it, Thomas Alva Ginsberg-Einstein-the-Night-Stalker-Ramirez. You’re life’s work is a joke, to my advanced level of autism. And I have papers to prove it. They also say I can’t drive on days that end in “-Y”.]

Damn Daniel, back at it again with the bloodstained Shoes made out of rubbish burglar fur.

[When I die, all I want is for people to NOT act as though it was just a matter of time, or even worse, as if they thought I had already died.. just because I’m dead to the world, that doesn’t mean “I’m dead,” to the world.]

What the fucking fuck?

[If catchphrase submissions reflect one’s psyche to the outside world, then PLEASE remind me to delete the internet before my sentencing on Friday. I plead insanity, but THIS is just egregious and probably worse than those murders I- HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!]

Innocent until proven too autistic to function in the world despite Autism being a prerequisite for elected office in America. 

 

- the Aspberger’s dude who thinks life is a mid 90’s stand up set 

[Don’t get MADD, get behind the wheel and treat life like a video game. -the last thoughts of some asshole who fucked around and killed a toddler and also the rest of his family, and now has fucked butthole for dinner every night. Don’t drink and drive.]

For real tho