Andy Daly's Third Cousin

Join us today as we do a deep dive into why Donald Duck had no pants. Turns out he was wearing them all along they were just white. Aw, dang, well there goes the story.

It's sweeping the nation, as will all see, put your mask on baby and do the Covid with me! First, take me to the disco, swing me around, don't cough in my face unless you wanna spread yourself around. Take one step forward, 2 steps forward, 3 steps forward, 4 steps forward...actually get the fuck away from me don't you understand what stay at home means? Is this a dance club? No, it's my livingroom. Give me my Boone's Farm, take your tip and get outta here man!

Oh, I love the night life, I have a boogie, it's 'round, like a cheese wheel, oh yeah. I got to pick it, I got to pull it, I love the way it tastes, oh yeah...

Hi I'm Michael Jordan and since I have clearly conquered the basketball world I decided not to take my skills to Miami but to Comedy Bang Bang. That whole minor league baseball stint was not where my true talents lie, it's doing funny characters ala Paul F. Thompkins. I just learned he actually has been doing the Scott Aukerman character this whole time since Comedy Death Ray. Instalegend.

These boots were actually never made for walking, they were made for running and that's where the confusion started.

I am made in the shade, underneath a sunless glade, my grey hairs glisten in a semi putrid glaze, I am considered a delicacy by pigs on parade. I am mushroom, I am truffle.

Kiss me down by the ICU, Swing me, into your arms now, Bring, bring, your elbow here, you know my name is Pence, I'll take it from here, We'll take the trail marked on John Hopkins map, so come here and sit in my lap.

Here I sit all alone, sick of looking at my phone, although I enjoy the series Community, how many plotlines can they make about Glee?

We'd like to welcome our new sponsor Nascar, where even our video game races are the racists! I mean raciest!

My name is Doc Brown and I'm here to say, 2020 needs to go away, so get in my car, it's all revved up we're all getting out of here because it's too fucked up!

If God was one of us then he would not have allowed that Goddamn Joan Osborne song to be replayed on the radio for so many years in the 90s.

If Charles Schulz was writing about himself when he wrote Charlie Brown, does this mean he had alopecia as a 10 year old child?

Alone he sat by the TV, he said TV it's just you and me, let's watch You, Me and Dupree and see if Kate Hudson wants to get with me.

A tisket, a tasket, I can now make up words to rhyme with basket to fit my poem because I am a cheater and a bad poem writer.

When I dream of pie in the sky, I dream of your thigh, that I may arrive when on high, maybe nigh...

A penny for your thoughts would make me broke so instead just give me what's in your wallet.

Hi I'm Scot Aukerman, I am here to interview a legend today. I'll introduce him in just a moment. Someone who's been shown in people's living rooms for generations. Someone who's always provided comfort in a time of need. Someone who's always been someone to lean on: Mr. Couch. Now let me get up off him and give him a chance to say his peace.

I am the One, I have The Bum, I have the mouth with The Most Interesting Tongue.

Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day, Luckily I have wireless to watch all the Diehards todayyyy.

I got a letter from Chuck D, the other day, I opened and read it, it said I was a sucker, Chuck wanted me, Flava Flav, for the Bernie army or whatever, picture me given' a damn, I said never.

This just in, hot off the presses, PFT Commenter and Paul F. Tompkins are doing a winner take all charity mudwrestling event. The loser has to cease using their initials PFT, must be the other's unpaid intern for life and most donate 10 grand to the winner's choice of charity. Right now, their representatives are negotiating over how thick the mud should be for the event. Stay tuned.

Just want to report that Martin Sheffield Lickly's new song, I'm Cool With Your Covid If You're Cool With Me, was recorded live for the Fox Iheart Radio concert last night but was cut short because of time.

At night, when I lay my head down to sleep, I look up at my ceiling fan, and think, Goddamn, I am the Man, Scott Aukerman.

From henceforth winter dating season shall be called the Covid season, no longer the cuffing season.

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, sometimes known as a Trump.