Andy Daly's Third Cousin

I put the oom in zoom, so listen as I boom, boom, boom.

Hey I'm Scott Aukerman and I'm not wearing pants anymore. Fuck you Bonobos.

Hey I'm Scott Caukerman here to promote our new ED sponsor, Looking Pa Nub. When you've just got a nub, we know the wrong place to look.

You guys always try to make me do dirty things on the show, it ain't gonna work because I ain't that kind of Joe. It's downright annoying and really quite cliche, also right before the show I always use Reggie's bidet.

I've been wearing a mask, every day, it predated Covid, sad to say, my wife says it's necessary to have the sex, my face looks better, so no need to flex.

If bananas need a hammock what do peaches need?

Plato said you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. What I've learned from that is people who do comedy actually age must faster like dogs, but they live a more joyful life and bring more joy to others.

Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do. Empirically, I have proven this to be false because I have not turned into a sheep.

One cannot conceive anything so strange and so implausible that it has not already been said by one comedian or another.

If a tree picks itself up off the ground, does anyone hear it make a sound? Fuck no, that tree ain't a punk, it has a family, it's working its ass off to make those duckets and doesn't have time to whine like a little bitch sapling.

Tell me, my lovely, was your father a thief who stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes? Clearly not, I can't even look at you because you're crosseyed like a billy goat after eating its third soda can of the day.

If 3 is the magic number then why did De La Soul need Prince Paul and Dilla to make music?

If you're a Judge is it ok to judge someone in violation of the rule that says Judge not, that ye be not judged? And if you have an opinion on this, are you not passing judgment already, and if so stop that unless you want someone to pass judgment on you.

I wonder if the Phantom of the Opera goes out now for a walk if he has to wear a mask over his mask or is his sufficient? What about Richard Harrow?

It's so hot right now my dog asked if she could get a haircut and she's hairless. Also, yeah she's a talking dog.

And now I'd like to tell you about our new podcast Did HoobaReallyStank Or Is The Stank Re Me?

I'm starting off this show with a tshirt idea for all, podswag needs more money and leesa needs more dough. So I'm putting a photo of my leesa on a tshirt for all to see, with a naked Dalton Wilcox staring out at you and me.

I just had an edible on the 4th day of Juiy, bad time to do it, as I mistook a Roman Candle for my guy. The feeling was amazing I felt like I could fly, never had an orgasm quite like this, but the smell of sulfur made me cry.

It's really too bad we don't have more fireworks, I forgot how they glow, bottle rockets, M80s, bursting 9 am to 12 am, always to and fro. My dog really loves them, barks all night in her approval, 24 hrs, 5 days a week, no need for her refusal.

I tried to keep it clean today because it's not that kind of show, but Kulap left a shoe, on the floor, in the hallway of our home, I tripped over one, and as I sailed very high, I fell uncontrollably into our pet pig Patty's little sty.

A good father is one you'll never forget while having an absent one is where having no memory is no regret.

The difference between a frog and a toad is that one is a prince.

My mother always told me no golf in the house but she always told my father she preferred when he shot way over par in the bedroom.

Three blind mice drove three little bikes as they hiked up their pants that had fallen down thrice. (Editor's note to S. Aukerman: take bow after finish).

What's up bratwurst?