F-Word Scissorhands

You need a positive mental attitude, and there’s no way you’ll ever get that, so I recommend you just kill yourself.

Then, to add insult to injury, they called me a “burnt-faced babyfucker.”

Canadians are all so helpless. They should be called CAN’Tadians.

Rollercoaster? I don’t even know her!

Now there is an extreme fitness, ultra-concentrated nutrient system with whole meals that fit in a small lunch sack! Try new Body Bag (TM)!

I don’t know what the national bird of the USA is, but the national bird of Hairplugistan must be the Bald Ego!

If you give a man a fish - what’s in it for you?! Who are you, the free fish supplier for everyone in the world? Fuck that fish-needing man.

Hey, buddy, the other passengers don’t like having to see your dingleberries. We LOVE having to see them!

You need to keep a positive mental attitude. And also a positive non-mental attitude.

If you show fear, it’s all over. That’s why I’m terrified of fear.

If you teach a man to fish he might think you’re his grandpa and ask you for college money. So just don’t.

OK this challenge has a much lower difficulty level, right?, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I have no food in my belly. But I have tons of food in my booty. Cucumbers, bananas, etc.

I can eat literally anything. Jupiter, the Crimean War, Utilitarianism, just to name a few.

I went to the bathroom in your bedroom. I then went to the bathroom in your messenger bag. It isn’t really about rooms, I guess. It’s about diarrhea.

I held in a sneeze once. My butthole popped out, becoming an outie, and now I have a long, pink, tail like an opossum.

I give it two thumbs up! Way up… your mom’s ass!

We are podcasting live today from Mouthsounds, Missouri

The winner of Best New Slur With No Target Group is “Clinker.”

I can eat literally anything. I can also eat figuratively anything.

You gotta just DIY, which stands for… shit! I can’t remember what it stands for! We need an expert to Google it for us.

You have a poor vocabulary. You need the exact opposite. Shit! I forget what you call it but it’s like a “SOMETHING” vocabulary.

Women are all obsessed with how many inches deep their hoo-hahs are.

Did you just say “under-promise and over-deliver?!” Why, over da liver is where I was stabbed!

Are you writing your to-do list? Could you add “shut up”?