Tony the Poopbutt Butterfly

It’s not easy being greater than the sum of my orifices because I have a lot of orifices.

Seven-and-a-half vodka-soaked tampons up my ass and I don’t even feel buzzed.

Get to work, NASA, self-wiping butts aren’t going to invent themselves.

The dental hygienist joined up with the auto mechanic and together they made the entire world feel terrible about itself.

If you’re Edward Scissorhands and you know it, don’t clap your hands because you’ll entangle your blades in front of a group of judgmental white ladies who will not be kind.

Not sure why you’d describe me as "high-breasted" unless it has something to do with the tits growing out either side of my Adam's apple.

You can't spell "pussy willow" without "Ow! Willy's pus."

If you give a man a fish, he eats an uncooked fish. If you teach a man to microwave a fish, he eats an unevenly-cooked fish.

Been dropping similes like Benjamins, and by "Benjamins" I mean my nephew who I'm not allowed to see anymore. *Benjamins is OK and also not a real person.

even though the Jr. Bacon Double is a good deal.

When I'm at a Coney Island fish stand I get the classic: fried onions, sweet relish, spicy mustard, and four used condoms betwixt a day-old kaiser bun.

hey, nice one!

Make me a Fleshlight that looks like Q-Bert’s snorkel or I take my business elsewhere.

It’s raining butts. Hallelujah.

...-ing his ship.

No, no, no. It’s “Kentucky Fuckin’ Christ” and “Jesus Fried Chicken.”

Classic, regional phrase I grew up with. All the cool kids said it in little league.

Ovaries are found ovar the genitals while undaries are found undar the genitals, but for some reason those gonads are called testicles.

Is that a manatee eating a full head of cabbage covered in mustard? Boing-oing-oing-oing.

I was so obsessed with whether I could do it, I didn't stop to think about whether I should do it. That said, my toe is now up my ass and I think I tore my ACL.

Hot cheeks. Cold meat. Restaurants.

Buy dough. Sell pie. Stocks.

Missed putt? Sniff butts. Golf.

My steampunk undies chafe pretty bad around the brass fixtures but if you look through the magnifying glass porthole my dick looks nearly average size.

First there was ‘dick.’ Then there was ‘fuck.’ They portmanteaued and that’s how we got ‘duck.’