From this day forward, all shants shall be butt-flapped, all flaps shall be shant-butted, and all butts shall be flap-shanted.

[From this day forward, all shants shall be butt-flapped, all flaps shall be shant-butted, and all butts shall be flap-shanted.]

From this day forward, all shants shall be butt-flapped, all flaps shall be shant-butted, and all butts shall be flap-shanted.

[The George Mormon Grill is pretty great for making Planet Kolob God Kabobs.]

The George Mormon Grill is pretty great for making Planet Kolob God Kabobs.

[Lit some candles. Ran a bubble bath. Found grandma's old landline. Been *69ing all night long. Real friendly and chatty staff at her pharmacy.]

Lit some candles. Ran a bubble bath. Found grandma's old landline. Been *69ing all night long. Real friendly and chatty staff at her pharmacy.

[Just got ghosted by my invisible girlfriend. I did not see that coming.]

Just got ghosted by my invisible girlfriend. I did not see that coming.

 

*goddammit .. I'm sorry about this one ... actually, I'm sorry for about 80% of my catchphrase submissions.

[Welcome to TurdTown, assbutts.]

Welcome to TurdTown, assbutts.

[You'll have to tug harder than that, monster truck, cuz the roots of these pubes run deep.]

You'll have to tug harder than that, monster truck, cuz the roots of these pubes run deep.

[Been trying to get into non-erotic asphyxiation but I keep getting Heimlich’d.]

Been trying to get into non-erotic asphyxiation but I keep getting Heimlich’d.

*inspired by Scott calling Bob Odenkirk a non-erotic asphyxiation-ist on the latest CBB.

[The Luxury Sleeper Car Children thought it was chic and sexy to be rich yet look poor so they rebranded to the Boxcar Children.]

The Luxury Sleeper Car Children thought it was chic and sexy to be rich yet look poor so they rebranded to the Boxcar Children.

[Be a little stiality or be a lotta stiality. Just don’t be-a-stiality.]

Be a little stiality or be a lotta stiality. Just don’t be-a-stiality.

[Isn't it ironic the lyric, "It's like an olympic-sized swimming pool on the back of a clown car," was there for the taking, but Alanis Morissette didn't use it?]

Isn't it ironic the lyric, "It's like an olympic-sized swimming pool on the back of a clown car," was there for the taking, but Alanis Morissette didn't use it?

[If they'd actually met a deaf leopard they wouldn't have named their band that. There's nothing funny about that, those leopards have hard lives.]

my heart goes out to the innocent lives that were lost trying to fly a lead zeppelin.

[Who am I? I'm the Mayor of NoodleTown and have been since Nine-uh-teen-Spaghetti-Meat-uh-Ball.]

Who am I? I'm the Mayor of NoodleTown and have been since Nine-uh-teen-Spaghetti-Meat-uh-Ball.

[Who am I? I'm the Mayor of TacoTown and have been since Nineteen-Queso-Supreme.]

Who am I? I'm the Mayor of TacoTown and have been since Nineteen-Queso-Supreme.

[Who am I? I'm the Mayor of BurgerTown and have been since Nineteen-Seventy-Cheese.]

Who am I? I'm the Mayor of BurgerTown and have been since Nineteen-Seventy-Cheese.

[What a totally normal and reasonable thing to do, Ghengis Khan. Not!]

What a totally normal and reasonable thing to do, Ghengis Khan. Not!

[Some Lord of the Lands who fancies himself a culinary artiste put salad in my ranch dressing.]

Some Lord of the Lands who fancies himself a culinary artiste put salad in my ranch dressing.

[Beard trimmer shorted out and I tripped a circuit. There’s unholy strength in these pubis follicles.]

Beard trimmer shorted out and I tripped a circuit. There’s unholy strength in these pubis follicles.

[Hello neighbour, hello friend, come hither and hear about my grisly end.]

Hey, nice one!

[We all live in a yellow submarine with no bathroom so we all agreed Ringo will be our toilet.]

We all live in a yellow submarine with no bathroom so we all agreed Ringo will be our toilet.

[Managed to shove the Viper off my third-story balcony before he was able to vipe something called a “vindow.”]

Managed to shove the Viper off my third-story balcony before he was able to vipe something called a “vindow.” 

[My facial features and accessories are never coming out of my ass again, for I am Potato.]

My facial features and accessories are never coming out of my ass again, for I am Potato.

[Is this where I can post if I'm not confident enough for Twitter?]

I was unfunny on Twitter so escaped to this forum where I can continue to be unfunny.

[Your erect penis is a mighty fine treasure, Captain, but I was hoping to see your “bone oar.”]

Your erect penis is a mighty fine treasure, Captain, but I was hoping to see your “bone oar”.

 

*edited to be less subtle

[Only 33rd degree Water Buffaloes are privy to the existence of the Great Gazoo]

[I used to laugh whenever breasts were called “chesticles,” but I laugh no more. Not since my dad died of chesticular cancer.]

I used to laugh whenever breasts were called “chesticles,” but I laugh no more. Not since my dad died of chesticular cancer.