Danger’s not my middle name

[Danger’s not my middle name]

Danger’s not my middle name

[New Catchphrase Suggestions are moving to Twitter]

I just got here

tho I guess I’ve always been self conscious about using my standard profile name, and not some kooky name like DonJuanSawMyButthole, or something 

[You say potato, I say what about potatoes, what is it with you and these fuckin potatoes?]

You say potato, I say what about potatoes, what is it with you and these fuckin potatoes?

[Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!!...... they, the organized crime family of course]

Those are just fish trying to keep us out

[Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!!...... they, the organized crime family of course]

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!!...... they, the organized crime family of course

[I thought I just cut the quick, but doctor says I lost a bunch of my pinky]

I thought I just cut the quick, but doctor says I lost a bunch of my pinky

[Now that I figured out my cat Maebel is actually a boy, it’s pretty weird that I’ve been kissing him on the mouth this whole time]

Now that I figured out my cat Maebel is actually a boy, it’s pretty weird that I’ve been kissing him on the mouth this whole time

[Cats are really just smaller, domesticated versions of bigger cats]

Cats are really just smaller, domesticated versions of bigger cats

[Well if you think you’re better than me, Randall Park, why don’t you fucking host this show- YOURE the one who’s a loser!]

Well if you think you’re better than me, Randall Park, why don’t you fucking host this show- YOURE the one who’s a loser!

[after a long night of eating skittles and watching YouTube alone, end it with alka-seltzer heartburn reliefchews: they’re still *kinda* like skittles]

after a long night of eating skittles and watching YouTube alone, end it with alka-seltzer heartburn reliefchews: they’re still *kinda* like skittles 

[Get tha fuuck outta here!...... how many times has this been suggested yet??]

Get tha fuuck outta here!...... how many times has this been suggested yet??

[Gymnasts must go through an awful amount of mental gymnastics]

Gymnasts must go through an awful amount of mental gymnastics  

[Can someone massage my feet without all the direct eye contact?]

Can someone massage my feet without all the direct eye contact?

[To all the fathers out there on this day..... YOU’RE NOT ME REAL DAD!]

To all the fathers out there on this day.....

YOU’RE NOT ME REAL DAD!

[Hey The Kinks- get with the times, nobody knows what a “party line” is anymore]

Hey The Kinks- get with the times, nobody knows what a “party line” is anymore

[If you’re over at my place, and we’re about to hook up, and you tell me you’ve never seen “I Think You Should Leave” then I think you should.....stay, because I’m so fucking lonely.... please stay]

If you’re over at my place, and we’re about to hook up, and you tell me you’ve never seen “I Think You Should Leave”

then I think you should.....stay, because I’m so fucking lonely... please stay

[Hey Scott, I’ve been to a Weird Al show, and he does say what’s up hotdog! God bless]

Hey Scott, I’ve been to a Weird Al show, and he does say what’s up hotdog!

God bless

[My therapist is real annoyed with my “yes, and” style of deflection]

My therapist is real annoyed with my “yes, and” style of deflection

[“BLUE, YOU’RE MY BOY” HAHAHA what an old school reference from a movie I can’t remember the name of]

“BLUE, YOU’RE MY BOY”

HAHAHA what an old school reference from a movie I can’t remember the name of

[That’s a knife, and this is also a knife. We both have knives- hello this is Crocodile Dundee, and I think you suck]

That’s a knife, and this is also a knife. We both have knives- hello this is Crocodile Dundee, and I think you suck

[Copy and past Copy and past Copy and past Copy and past Cop.... pee and PA St..? a cop is peeing on Pennsylvania street?!!! -now let me just hit delete on this catchphrase]

Copy and past Copy and past Copy and past Copy and past Cop.... pee and PA St..?

a cop is peeing on Pennsylvania street?!!!

-now let me just hit delete on this catchphrase 

[Dr. Chet said I need prescription socks]

Dr. Chet said I need prescription socks

[Hens, laundry, lettuce, dogs, Wendy’s........ boot]

Hens, laundry, lettuce, dogs, Wendy’s........ boot

[Everything’s “farm to table” when you live at a Kroger’s]

Everything’s “farm to table” when you live at a Kroger’s 

[Hackers of the world- unit!]

Hackers of the world- unit!