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Everything posted by cdawg87

  1. I mean, Katie Holmes? Helen Mirren? It's so, so bad.
  2. cdawg87

    The Wedding Date

    Isn't it embarrassing when you have to go to your sister's wedding with out a date? Isn't it even more embarrassing when the best man is your ex-fiance who dumped you? For a trifling $6,000 plus airfare to England, you can hire a smokin hot straight male escort (because those exist) to make you look like you're not a miserable sad sack and to not have sex with you. And you know what? He might just fall in love with you! This movie sucks. It has a generous %10 on rottentomatoes and Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney had about as much chemistry as a couple of logs.
  3. cdawg87


  4. cdawg87


    U da best EarBear
  5. cdawg87


    okay am i fucking retarded or something? because i can't get mine to upload without it being really tiny.
  6. I know I'm so late to the game here, but hooooly shit. I finally watched Breaking Dawn (with Rifftrax) because this is one of my favorite episodes and I was like, "why not?" Having Rifftrax made it a thousand percent more enjoyable and I thought the battle scene was pretty dope. I hate to admit this, but I'm with Jason - I got a little emotional during the battle when the werewolves were dying...I mean, they look like big dogs to me and seeing animals (even fake ones) die kind of gets to me. There was one wolf that got it's neck broken and another wolf saw it and got all sad and I was like, "fuuuuuck, how's a bitch supposed to fight when their lifelong friends are getting their spines cracked?!" I would definitely recommend watching this with Rifftrax; there are so many great Aro jokes and they're really great at pointing out all the shit that this episode got into, but with more specificity and clarity as to why so much of it is batshit insane. And Lee Pace, giiiiirrrlll. Even with those stupid vamp eyes, bitch was looking fine as hell.
  7. cdawg87

    Showgirls (1995)

    I think it goes without saying that I'm a huge Showgirls fan (ahem, see below). I LOVE THIS TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE FILM.
  8. cdawg87

    Hemlock Grove

    I would LOVE if they did Hemlock Grove...the only problematic thing is that it's thirteen 45 minute episodes and that's a big undertaking. I was thinking that maybe they could just to the first 2-3 episodes (which is a shorter amount of time than some of the actual "films" we've endured) and leave it up to us to finish the rest of it if we so desire (spoiler alert: we won't). I got 2 episodes in and had to call it quits. I'd love to hear their take on it. Everyone in it fucking sucks.
  9. cdawg87


    How hasn't this one come up yet?! Seriously guys, please do this movie, I'm begging you. This "film" is amazing. I couldn't believe what I was watching when I saw it because it's so preposterous that there was any way anyone could have green lit this mishigas. It makes Old Dogs look like Citizen Kane. Justin Bartha plays a mentally retarded person and Al Pacino is in it. AL PACINO. And Christopher Walken! You HAVE to do an episode, if not an entire series dedicated to this movie. It's literally one of the worst movies I've ever seen. J-Lo initiates a sex scene with "It's turkey time, gobble gobble."
  10. cdawg87

    Episode 43 — Wild Wild West

    I'm in the minority of people who really don't like Kevin Smith, so I knew I'd be a little disappointed before even starting the episode. I don't mind industry talk, but when it's half the show I get a little frustrated. I'm down for 25-30% industry talk and the rest about the movie. I mean, I sat through WWW, so I'd like to hear more about it. Personally. The director's edition episodes have a really great balance between the two - I especially loved the Punisher: War Zone episode.
  11. cdawg87

    Q&A w/ Paul Scheer Thread

    Hi Paul- I remember you saying something about a NY live show (that was quickly retracted) - does that brief mention mean that you and the gang will be doing live shows all across these fair United States? I know as big ol' Hollywood people, the scheduling must be (in Jason's words) bonkers, but I'd be super excited if you guys came to Chicago. I know the coasts get a lot of love from other live podcast shows, so don't forget about us Midwesterners! We're all really polite! And Chicago has deep dish pizza and Ann Sathers cinnamon buns (and a bunch of other cool stuff - You, Jason, and June could go to The Art Institute and do your own "Ferris Beuller's Day Off" museum montage).
  12. cdawg87

    The First Annual HDTGM Awards

    Considering the idea that no one ever talks to themselves in a mirror has been brought up a few times, I was thinking something like Worst Dramatic Use Of A Mirror. Also Worst Dancer Worst Best Friend Worst Couple I love the idea of The Nicolas Cage Lifetime Achievement Award. For this year (since it's obviously going to Nic Cage), maybe there could be a vote as to which HTDGM covered Nic Cage movie contains the Nic Cage-iest attributes that explain why this award was made and could therefore be the gold standard to which other performances are judged upon in the following Howdies/How-Didies/Literallys (I think Howdies is the way to go for the record). "The 2012 Nicolas Cage Lifetime Achievement Award goes to....Nicolas Cage in [insert film]"
  13. cdawg87

    Episode 42.5 — Minisode 42.5

    Omigod yes. Sticking a light in the back a dude's head to project the last image he saw is the craziest bunch of meshugas ever. I just finished watching this and I can't wait for it to get the HDTGM treatment. There were some wildly uncomfortable sexual innuendo scenes between Will Smith and Kevin Kline that made me simultaneously eye roll and groan with disgust. But I think the WORST sexual innuendo has to be handed to Loveless for implying that he built a robot dick in order to bang ladies in place of the dick he lost with the rest of his bottom half (uh, how's that for worst science? keeping a man with half his body gone alive?). I just...I can't/won't. I also chuckled pretty hard at the obvious green screen moments out in the desert. I too had a bunch of Burger King WWW franchise toys (the Jim West/Artemis sunglasses were wicked ugly, but I wore them anyway because hey, free sunglasses and also I was 12) and I definitely remember that I enjoyed all those BK meals far more than the actual movie. P.S. Selma Hayek was terrible.
  14. cdawg87

    Bad Summer Movies!

    I'm still pulling so hard for Wild Wild West. I second Congo and Super Mario Bros big time. May I also submit The Haunting. Oh boy. I saw that movie a bunch of times as a teenager and it's so bad, I've blocked most of it out except for Owen Wilson's death scene. When I started watching Six Feet Under and Lili Taylor was introduced as a character, I went "Oh shit. It's that chick from The Haunting." Then there's Stealth. It tried to be Top Gun. It failed. If we're talking Michael Bay, I think Pearl Harbor is the way to go because not only does it suck, but it capitalized on a giant tragedy. And just as a side note for why Wild Wild West NEEDS to be done: Will Smith publicly apologized for it.
  15. cdawg87

    Episode 41.5 — Minisode 41.5

    One of my big problems with TDKR is that, although physically menacing, Bane just fell completely flat for me. He and Batman had no chemistry. My friends couldn't stop gushing over this movie and their response to Bane was that he was compelling because he's the only antagonist that could physically over power Batman. That doesn't really get me excited though. The Joker was such an awesome character because he was wreaking havoc for the sake of it, regardless of who he was screwing over (be it Batman, Harvey Dent, or mobsters) because he thrived on chaos. Even better was The Joker's chemistry with Batman (and everyone else pretty much) - Ledger fucking owned that role. Bane's motivations seemed kind of trite and I couldn't take him seriously with that Darth Vader meets dandy fop voice. AND IT WAS SO LONG. I fell asleep for a bit. The good thing was that I saw a matinee, so I only paid 7 bucks. On to what I really wanted to say: FUCK B&R. I watched this with Rifftrax and it was still hard to finish. I remember liking it when it came out, but that's because I was fucking 10. It makes sense that Schumacher would yell "This is a cartoon!" on set because the way Freeze and Ivy talked was the most embarrassing and preposterous thing I've watched in a really long time. I like Uma Thurman and her part in this bummed me out so hard. Clooney phoned in the entire role. I was also so confused as to why Batman and Robin were buddies to begin with. There was no explanation. At all. Like, why is this dood chillen with an eccentric "playboy" millionaire? Oh, and DIAMOND HOCKEY? What was that?!?!? I can't wait to hear the episode on this because this movie was so fucking awful. I honestly don't know which is worse at this point, Battlefield Earth or B&R.
  16. cdawg87

    Episode 36 — On the Line

    Dog, I throw "honky" out left and right. It's my faaaave. On a different note, I live in Chicago and now I always want to say I'm from Chi-Tilly even though it's the WORST thing I could possibly call my fair city. It'll forever be stuck in my head thanks to this ep. Not that it's bad...Chi-Tilly is so bad it's good. But actually really bad.
  17. cdawg87

    Bad Summer Movies!

    I seriously hope they do Wild Wild West because it is SO absurd (or bonkers, as Jason would say) and Kenneth Branaugh's character is like, wicked racist right to Will Smith's face. That giant robot spider? Nutso. If we're talking Nic Cage here (which we always are), I offer up Bangkok Dangerous. It should be done just based off the name alone. Finally, I suggest Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. What and dumb, dumb, duuuumb movie. It took me about 2.5 days to get through Godzilla. I was bored to tears and I kept getting distracted by other things (like just about everything).
  18. cdawg87


    Here's the synopsis of he 2003 smash hit "Tiptoes" of off imdb: "Carol is an artist, Steven trains firefighters. They've lived together for months and plan to marry soon, except that Steve's left out an important detail about himself and his chromosomes: his parents, twin brother, and many of his relatives are dwarfs. Carol learns this when Steve's brother Rolfe drops by, the day after she discovers she's pregnant. Why hasn't he told her about his family? She calls on them, and they take her to their hearts. But tensions mount between the lovers as she believes he's ambivalent and angry about his family, and he thinks she's romanticizing the life and many health problems of little people. Can they get over these emotional barriers?" This movie is RIDICULOUS. I don't even know where to begin. "When the going gets rough, it's only the size of your heart that counts" is an actual line from the trailer. Gary Oldman plays a dwarf in what someone at the studio decided was "the role of a lifetime". I guess one great thing about this movie is that it's the first movie to employ that many little people since "The Wizard of Oz", but other than that, this movie is fucking awful. I'm not 100% sure, but from a genetics standpoint, I don't think there's any chance that Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale's kid can come out a dwarf. Here's the whole reason the problem begins in the first place: Like a few times a week, McConaughey fucks Kate Beckinsale in his sleep, which is why she gets pregnant because he doesn't wear condoms when they're having sleep sex. WHAT?!?!?! Trailer:
  19. cdawg87

    Coyote Ugly (2000)

    YES, YES, pleeease! It's so bad. Piper Perabo is just the pits in this. And Ty-Ty Banks makes an appearance!
  20. Some choice reviews: From the NYTimes: "But for the panting masses of ''American Idol'' fans who imagine winning and going to live happily ever after in Lotusland, the message couldn't be clearer. You, too, might one day end up starring in the motion picture equivalent of Cheez Whiz." From the Washington Post: "Industrial-strength insipidity diluted only marginally by bad music and worse dancing." From the Austin Chronicle: "Moulin Rouge ... Chicago ... From Justin to Kelly ... two steps forward and then about 16 steps back for the film musical."
  21. cdawg87

    So, did you watch Trespass? Cause I did!

    How terrible were those orangey/pinky sunglasses Cage was rockin at the beginning though? I was like, "don't even try to make us think he's a bad ass." The word "leverage" brought me unwillingly and unhappily back to Battlefield Earth. By the time the twist ending came where the brosef just ended up being crazy and never ended up fucking Nicole Kidman, I was like "whoooooo cares???" This movie sucked.
  22. cdawg87


    Oh buh-rother was this a stinker! I watched it as a part of "bad movie night" at a friend's house and it was so bad that we didn't even have that much fun. I even fell asleep for a bit. Okay, so the main ghost looks like Darth Maul with a shitty wig. Patrick Wilson - I don't get it. He's a good actor! He's been in a lot of shite lately though. What's the deal? Anyway, this movie sucked to the point where I was Jason Mantzoukas angry.
  23. cdawg87


    It's super funny that Gary Oldman just got nominated for an Oscar, yet all I see is Rolf. No, Gary Oldman is still the man despite this abortion of a "film"
  24. cdawg87

    Friends With Benefits

    I would like to see the version of this movie where what actually happens in real life goes down, which I've witnessed several times over as: one person (usually the lady, but not always) ends up in love with the other person, which destroys their friendship and often causes a rift between mutual friends because they have to pick sides and agree as to "who's right/who's the bigger asshole/who's acting like a crazy bitch". No one leaves happily ever after, no one enjoys their Milk Duds because they're passive aggressive, and everyone wants their 12 bucks back at the end of it.
  25. cdawg87


    I don't know how it's possible that this movie is 62% fresh on rottentomatoes. Maybe because it's so laughably bad. It's about a theater camp. The main character is named Vlad and he ends up being bisexual (which is cool by me, but with the horribly bad acting, just comes off as totally fucking weird). Also, some white chick does a TERRIBLE rendition of 'And I'm Telling You (I'm Not Going)' from "Dreamgirls". For most of the movie, you just feel embarrassed for most of the actors - it's like a really bad rip off of "FAME". Some of the singing is good, but the rest of it is god awful.