This might be too much for the forum right now, but I wrote it so here it is. If you don't like it you can suck an egg.
It was a weekend we’d never forget. Or I wouldn’t anyway. It was the weekend I met my best friends from the internet. We made more memories than I can even recall, but I remember enough to last a lifetime. We spent a glorious day together at our rental home in Los Angeles, another perfect day in Disneyland, and our final night at the Hollywood Handbook live podcast taping. I will never forget that weekend because not only did I meet my best friends from the internet, I also met my Independence.
When I arrived at the house it was already filled with all of my favorite forumers. Joe McGurl and Andrew were measuring themselves up against a wall to see who is taller, Bruce Reid Robinson II and RanRan were drinking beer and talking about music, Spunky was talking to MBOP with a strip of fly paper on his face and a few flies stuck to it, fighting for their lives. I spotted Tim and Anastasia in the kitchen and decided to make my way in to talk to them even though they’re the only two forumers I’ve actually met before. They show me upstairs to where I’ll be staying, it’s a room with four bunk beds in it, two bean bag chairs, and a rocking horse. “What’s up with the rocking horse?” I ask Anastasia. “It’s Andrews. He says he brought it as a joke, but he had to buy it it’s own ticket on the plane so I don’t know.” And, just to be clear, she wasn’t talking shit. She was just telling me the facts and letting me come to my own conclusions about it.
We walk downstairs and Tim clears his throat so everyone turns to look at him. He has something to say; I had been dreading this moment since I left home. “I’m so glad to see you all here, although obviously I wish it were under better circumstances. Our own TheloniousJunk was killed last weekend while trying to recreate the infamous sex scene from American Pie. He didn’t leave a note, so it doesn’t seem like a suicide, but murder can’t be ruled out because there was a lot about it that didn’t add up. This isn’t the time to get into it, I’m just glad we’re all here together. Let’s enjoy ourselves and party hardy!” We all clap and cheer, except for Bruce Reid Robinson who won’t put his fucking acoustic guitar down for one second.
Our first activity as a group is to visit Kat Von D’s tattoo shop to get matching tattoos. I was surprised we were able to talk Chanson into doing it, but I’m just happy to know he’ll be rotting in hell someday too. No hard feelings or anything, I’m just happy to know that. I think Andy Kneis was upset that he was the only one who ended up with an “HH” tattoo, but after he got his done Asteck suggested we all get Yo Is This Racist tattoos instead to be funny and we all got a kick out of that idea.
We arrived back at our rental home and decided to play a round of Uncle Sean’s Funny Cards. It was so hilarious, we laughed so hard. I was crying with laughter because of the things these cards say… they’re just ridiculous. They’re nuts. They’re.. they’re nuts. My favorite pairing by far was where we had one card that said “Obama’s favorite food” and another card that said “The War on Terror.” Can you believe how perfect that is? And the other cards that said “Krispy Kreme glaze” and “Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” made us chuckle too.
After the card game we separated into groups, the boys and the girls. The girls gave each other facials, sat in a circle braiding one another’s hair, and measured our boobs to see who has the most girth. Meanwhile the boys were listening to Thompson Twins, learning about economics from Chanson (I’m assuming someone else brought it up), and breaking into the girl’s area to do a bra raid so they can smell our dirty tits. All in good fun, for sure.
Then we started to get wild. We drank a bunch of liquor and prank called Sean and Hayes. Well, attempted to anyway. It turns out the only phone number we had available to us was one for Engineer Cody. So we just invited him over and it got really awkward when Mean Detective told him he was a part of our “inner circle.” We all went along with it, but honestly we don’t really know him that well. After roasting s’mores frappuccinos over the fire, we all got real serious and started to talk about our future together. Anastasia volunteered to have a baby for the group if one of the guys would platonically impregnate her. MBOP volunteered, but Tim Treese got upset and claimed he had “better genes.” Agata suggested all the guys give it a go so we won’t know whose baby it is, but Anastasia rightfully felt that doing so would turn it into more of an accidental gangbang situation and she no longer wanted to give us a child. So we all just went to bed.
In the morning Chanson woke us up to let us know his dad was waiting outside in his boat ready to take us to Disneyland. We arrived at Disneyland within an hour or two and the first thing we did was ride Soarin’ Over California five times. Joe McGurl said he’d read about it online and it was his favorite ride based on the Yelp reviews he’d seen, so he refused to leave the ride even though the smell feature was broken and everything just smelled like oranges. At one point I whispered to him “This part is supposed to smell like pine trees, not oranges” and he shushed me. It was our fourth fucking time on the ride. Anyway, one more time and I was out.
Next we went on Space Mountain where everyone lost their shoes and I legitimately have no idea how. Then we went and explored a little, which was fun at first but then Spunky kept going on and on about how the New Orleans section of Disneyland is nothing like the real thing. He said he was joking but he seemed angry and he left shortly afterward to go back to the house because he was suddenly feeling sick. Again, these are just facts I’m giving you and you can come to your own conclusions about it.
Marshall Mellow told us all about her laser, which was really cool, and she volunteered to ride in the front seat on Splash Mountain. Very ballsy. Brgrho surprised us by popping up as a bear in overalls right before the big drop and it really got me excited about what else might happen throughout the day. Unfortunately the afternoon took a turn when Chanson said something racist on It’s a Small World, but Honlads made us laugh when he ripped a big fart during the drop in Tower of Terror. Right after we went on the Indiana Jones ride I pulled Greggy aside to talk. He hadn’t ridden a single ride all day and I was concerned. It turned out he was just afraid of having fun and that’s why he’d been avoiding all the rides. He thought we’d laugh at him. I told him, “Greggy, we’re all having fun.” “Really?” he said, surprised. “Really,” I assured him. That made him feel a lot better.
Before we knew it there came the time to head to the UCB to watch Hollywood Handbook live. We all flew to UCB on Jacob C’s back and arrived with really beautiful windswept hair. Sean and Hayes were in the parking lot waiting for us when we arrived. Hayes greets all of us by name and has a personal question ready-to-go for each and every one of us. It was so sweet the way he remembered the names of our pets and significant others, as well as where we work and for how long and what our bosses names are. Sean was a doll too. He sang my songs back to me like he’d sung them a million times before. “Been spending most our lives livin’ in a popcorn gallery…” It was endearing. Then we met Sean’s fiancée and she sang my songs to me too. Then Sean’s parents showed up and they knew all my songs. “How do you know these songs?” I asked them, but they just kept singing at me. “Been spending Toby Keith Sweat living in an Erika Thompson…”
The live podcast taping goes off without a hitch. Kyle Bosman was the guest and he interacted really well with the guys. It’s funny how things tend to work out just like you think they will. After the show, we’re all hanging out and RanRan starts talking about how she has to get to the airport early in the morning. She says “God, our rental is so far from the airport. How far is your place from the airport, Hayes?” Hayes tells her, even though we all know where he lives, and she says “Wow, that would be so much better.” Eventually he offers to let her stay at his place and she acts surprised and it’s bullshit. I know I’m giving my opinion now, but fuck it, it was ridiculous and blatant and embarrassing. And besides we all know why she was asking. She’d been talking all night about wanting to “hook-up” with Munchausen, Hayes’ cat. Posted all about it on Facebook the next day too. Classy. So it’s around 2:00am and everyone is tired and ready to go home, but fucking Bozos won’t stop talking to Sean about License to Drive. Didn’t he get enough on his podcast? So we left without him.
The next morning we all say our goodbyes and it was really difficult to leave everyone. For some of us it was too difficult and so they stayed. Tim moved in with Andy Kneis, Marshall Mellow agreed to let MBOP bunk on her couch, and BRRII decided to become a professional street musician. And wouldn’t you know it Anastasia gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 9 months after our trip whom she named Independence. She won’t tell anyone who the father is, but the baby has a British accent so I think I have a pretty good idea of whose it might be.