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xoValeriexo

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Posts posted by xoValeriexo

  1. Posted

    Jessica is sitting on a stool all alone in a crowded bar. She looks very pretty and sad. She has on white high heeled boots, a psychedelic miniskirt with neon green nylons, a matching tube top, and her hair is up in a bun held in place by a metallic scrunchie. She wishes this cute guy at the corner booth would approach her, but he doesn’t even seem to notice her. An old friend walks up and asks Jessica if she wants to come join him at a booth where he’s meeting his buddy. Could it be? Yes. She hopes she can sit next to the mysterious stranger, but her friend sits between them. As she is introduced, she looks down, then back up with doe eyes. This guy is like wow, she’s pretty. The sexual tension between them is intense. All she wants is to be closer to him, but her goddamn friend is in the way. She excuses herself to use the restroom. There is a long line. Oh goodie. But then the stranger, whom she now knew was named Matt, comes over there. He has to squeeze past her to get to the men’s restroom. As he is pressed up against her he briefly pauses before continuing on so she can feel his dick on her body a little bit. Oh wow, she thinks. She touches herself in the stall, unafraid of losing any of the desire she has overflowing for this stranger named Matt.

     

    Upon exiting the bathroom he approaches her and says “Let’s get out of here.” They climb out a window and end up in an alley behind a Burger King. They make their way toward the playground. They ignore the french fry teeter totter and the chicken nugget tire swing, they both know exactly where they want to go. She shimmies backward up the ladder leading to the elevated hamburger hideout. He places his left knee on the latter and his foot on the ground. He puts one hand on her back and the other on her leg. No, not the way you’re picturing. Switch the hands so they’re crossed. There you go. He thrusts his penis inside her and she jerks upward at the force. Her back hits the bars behind her and her head hits the sesame seed bun. He continues to tear her asunder as she moans in agony. She can feel he is too big for her small, tight hole. He can barely fit and he is really giving it to her. She lays back as far as she can to change the angle. It helps slightly. Matt puts his face in Jessica’s boobs and his hands on her waist and his legs on her back. Her toes curl in pure ecstasy.

     

    They go back to Matt’s place to continue their night of passion. When he kisses her she feels butterflies in her stomach. He reminds her of a different side of herself that she’d forgotten about. She even feels like she looks different when she is with him. Prettier. She can feel his desire for her when they kiss. His heavy, hot breath and the way he closes his eyes make her feel like all he has on his mind is her lips and how well they fit together with his. She thinks about his lips too, but is preoccupied with wondering how he is feeling and whether or not he has a boner yet. Probably, right? I mean, I would think. She takes his hand and puts it under her shirt. She places it on her bra because she thinks it might remind him of feeling up his high school girlfriend, bravely reaching his hand under her bra to touch her nipples while her underwire restricts his movement. She takes his other hand and puts it up her dress, into her stockings, and in her underwear. More complicated than the bra move, but also much more rewarding. He begins grabbing at her pussy like a Scooby Snack that he just has to have. He flits around her vagina and sticks two fingers inside her. Wow, he is not good at this, she thinks. Like he literally has no idea what he’s doing. She pulls his hand out from inside her and licks his fingers clean. She regrets that decision immediately. Luckily Matt seems to think it’s really hot. But then later he will think back on that moment and think it was kind of yucky.

     

    He removes her panties and puts his head in between her legs. He begins moving his face around her thigh like they do in softcore porn. She moves his head toward her vagina, but he then goes upward to gnaw on her belly button. She pushes his head down again and he finally understands. Her glistening mound quivers as he tumps over her clit with his tongue. He can still taste the salty truffle chips he ate for lunch on his tongue and he hopes she enjoys the texture. Those are really the best flavor of the new batch of Lays, but even they’re not that great. Her squishy, bruised vagina lips ache under his pressure. He sucks her clit until it is swollen and discolored and she yearns for more of his hefty, girthy tongue. He penetrates her and her gravy fills his mouth. He gargles and spits it back in. Habit.

     

    She needs his pork sword. Now. “You like that?” he asks her. “Yes, god, yes.” “Want more? Want me to give it to you?” She moans and pulls him closer to her. She wants to show him her appreciation, but then he says “You want my big cock in you, bad girl?” She stifles her laughter and says a quick “Yeah.” “Ooh, you’re bad. You know what happens to bad girls, don’t you?” “Huh?” “They get punished.” She kisses him passionately so he will shut the fuck up.

     

    His member is tall and imposing like Michael Clark Duncan. It commands respect, like Michael Clark Duncan’s ex Omarosa, who may or may not have been partially responsible for his death. Jessica imagines the veins on his penis are like a spiral staircase leading up to the top of a beautiful ivory tower. But the veins really do not form a spiral. Like one will start spiraling, then it will branch off or just disappear into nothingness. Completely nonsensical design, impossible to find a pattern. She looks to his balls, but they look like those things people hang on the back of their trucks. Wait a minute, are those…Ew, why? She tries to focus on another aspect of his penis but she keeps finding herself distracted by his tuft of pubic hair. It’s normal, everyone has some, but it’s still kind of unappealing. A bunch of fur around your stinky parts? “Stop thinking about it!” she pleads with herself. She moves on to the tip of the penis. It looks upset, inflamed, and a bit like a hat. I’m gonna make you spew, she thinks while biting her lip in anticipation. Shit, ow. She accidentally bit her cheek too. She broke the skin. Great, if he has AIDS, now I’m gonna get it too.

     

    She pulls Matt into her mouth and he tastes just as she imagined he would. Really, really good. Like a cinnamon-flavored gummy bear coated in sugar. She sucks his dick like it was a Tootsie Pop and she was in a competition where you win a prize if you reach the center first. The prize for her tonight would be a mouthful of his sticky icky ooh wee. She seems to be doing a great job at bringing him oral pleasure, but she is really in her head while blowing him. “This is so great. I love this,” she thinks. “This is one of my favorite things I’ve ever done.” And she means it. She really, really likes this.

     

    After she finishes and she wipes up, they start to kiss again. He starts to get rough with her and she gets rough back. It is surprising to see him this way because he isn’t an intimidating man. He isn’t dangerous, he’s like a dad. But not like her dad, he is dangerous. The rough sexplay continues but neither of them seem to really enjoy it. I think he is under the impression that she’s into it and vice versa. A funny misunderstanding, really. He pulls her hair and she pretends to enjoy it. She smiles like you do when you’re about to get sick on the Tilt o’ Whirl but you don’t want your friends to know. But he keeps pulling, so she says firmly “Fucking stop. I don’t like that.” He stops immediately and apologizes. She can see the hurt in his eyes, which only makes her feel worse but she doesn’t know what to do except to keep talking. “That really doesn’t feel good. It’s like you’re trying to control me.” “I’m really sorry.” “Fine, but you need to not do stuff like that anymore. Ask first.” They both take a breath and sit in silence for a while. “Is it okay if I touch your butt?” “Don’t ask me that, it’s annoying. Yes, it’s okay, just don’t fucking pull my hair again.” “Okay, okay…” He sits quietly with his head down. He looks weak to her now, less attractive. Has his nose always been that big? And were his eyes always this close together? Why is his neck so wide? But then she notices his car keys sitting on the table and she remembers that he has a really great job. He also really seems to care for his family if the photos of them placed thoughtfully around his apartment are any indication. Pretty sexy, if you ask me. She climbs on top of him and forces him to forgive her for how cruel she was earlier. They switch to a different position and her head hits the pillow, but when it does she’s startled awake. She sits up and hears a man’s voice say “Jill, honey, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?” She turns to see Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor lying next to her reading Hot Rod magazine. She looks at her winkled hands and begins to panic. She is then startled awake again and she is in bed with Barack Obama this time. “Michelle, sweetie, are you okay?” She looks at her toned arms and sensible pajamas and is less panicked but still not really into this whole body swap thing. She is startled awake once more and she is still fucking Matt. So it’s all good.

    • Like 32

  3. Posted

    Exhibit A:

     

     

    Exhibit B:

    20 minutes in to Brother Lovers episode 4, Valerie drops a reference to Under the Dome.

     

     

    Uh yeah okay Lovers that's cool...

     

    Stay off my friggin' turf

     

    Love the pcast.

     

    I went to an open mic the other night and this girl had two solid minutes on Under the Dome, so it's been on my mind. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

    • Like 7

  5. Posted

    sorry i'm in a bad mood. i just went through boxes and boxes of my dead d's shit i haven't looked at in years. sorry guys.

     

    tWyUZrK.jpg

     

    That's my D on the right with his 2nd wife Joanna next to him and his buddy Eli and his wife Shelly. I think they're in Hawaii. and I'd guess this to be circa 1982.

     

    weGe1nl.jpg

     

    Loving this info, Pete. Also loving your dad's 2nd wife because whoa mama is she a hot tamale.

    • Like 10

  7. Posted

     

    Where did he go btw- deliverin' almost 10 posts a day (it was usually like 7 selfies, 2 new threads, and then like a knock knock joke) then dropping off for like a week? What gives? Can you ask him tonight

     

    I was really hoping to use my "classic Arugula" joke at least once a week. I know I never really "like" his posts, but I "like" his posts, ya know?

     

    I actually only wrote that diary post to try to get him to come back. He has always been my only option.

     

    You're all being very funny and likable this week. I would like to invite every last one of you to come on in as soon as Aregular is through.

    • Like 13

  8. Posted

    Dear Diary,

     

    Tonight is the night I will lose my virginity. I'm sick of being little miss perfect. I have more to offer than just my mind and I really do feel like I'm ready! It's been eight months since Duke made me touch it and I've grown a lot since then. I know I wouldn't run away now. I would do the opposite probably! I hate that I hurt Duke that night, but I have decided that I'm all about living life with no regrets. Now who will I give my v-card to?

     

    Pros and cons of each option:

     

    Souprman - pro: older man. experienced. makes me feel special. would appreciate me. con: I see him as more of a friend. no light source in his house.

     

    Aregular - pro: tall, would make me feel like a delicate lady. has a good job. con: he's too good for me. not trying to be hard on myself, just being realistic.

     

    ElizaMuffins - pro: a woman so she probably knows what a woman wants. has kids, nurturing. I think I could trust her to treat me right. don't have to worry about penis size. con: would only be using me to get to the top of the forum. but is that so wrong?

     

    Chicknsandwich - pro: sweet. mature. knows his way around an iphone camera. con: 15 years old

     

    I better go get ready. If I want a chance at Aregular I'm going to need to get started early. Gotta shave my legs, my arms, my face, whoknowswhatelse lol. I'll let you know how it goes!

     

    note: tell duke I'm sorry. I don't regret what happened but I do feel bad about it.

    • Like 27

  11. Posted

     

    I'll keep adding to this as I think of them because I have a lot of strong (negative) feelings about a lot of celebrities that I have very little knowledge of.

    1. Steve Harvey - this guy is a complete and total narcissist/sociopath disguised as a guy who cares about, and tries to help people. Why does he think he's qualified to give people advice about their lives? who is this guy? why do people have problems and think 'i better ask Steve Harvey about this'? Also, they did a segment with him on CBS Sunday Morning (I'm an old guy), and of course he's very religious and thinks his success is proof that god exists

     

    so, Steve Harvey, #1 most horrible person on earth. I'm going to get out ahead of this: don't say 'what about hitler or any of the 20 different guys that did mass shootings this year or ted cruz" Some people are so terrible it's not worth talking about (Donald Trump)

     

    I really went on a rant there and had to edit that post. It looked like Sean typed it

     

    Also, I'm constantly have to fight with him over website usernames.

     

    STEVE!!!!!!! YEEESSSSSSSS. Steve Harvey is the perfect second person to hate. I feel like we should start a book club and our first book should be Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.

    • Like 9

  12. Posted

    She doesn't look like the type of lady who would put up with a guy who only wears hockey jerseys, and talks about comic books.

     

    Maybe she likes him because he just discovered weed when he was like 48 and he talks about it all the time like he's a freshman in high school

     

    This post is making me like you a lot. What else do you hate, SteveH?

    • Like 12

  14. Posted

    Thank for coming to the hangout last night Jude/chicknsandwich, Danny, Eliza, Jeffrey, Andrew/Rose_Cream, Pete/souprman, Chanson, and Greggy. I had a nice time shoving questions in your face. I especially appreciate Pete's willingness to tell me literally anything I asked. I like that in a person. And thank-you to our mystery guest (Sean Hayes, was it?) who kept us on our toes by making fun of us in the side chat. ily too, man. ily too.

    • Like 11

  17. Posted

    Hey guys, I'm thinking I'll do the forumer hangout today or tomorrow. So far I'll be inviting Game of Scones/Norm, ElizaMuffins, Danny Boy Wizard, chicknsandwich, Rose_Cream, and definitely not Jeffrey Parties. Post your gmail here or email it to me if you want to be involved. Mine is valerie.ann.bryant@gmail.com

     

    I'm thinking tonight around 6 PST. Does that work? If we do it tomorrow I can get it started earlier if that works better for you guys.

    • Like 5

  21. Posted

    My mom died a month and a half ago.

     

    Edit: This was a late response to Valerie's request. Timing is everything.

     

    Hello my precious baby dumpling,

     

    You're in a fb group with me and I almost commented on your post but I thought...man, this guy doesn't know me, he doesn't need any of my shit. And now fate has brought us together. I'm really sorry about your mom. I can't even imagine how terrible you must feel. If you're all alone in the world and you need to talk to someone who will care too much, private message me. Thank you for sharing your sadness with us.

    • Like 12
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