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Everything posted by johnnytezca

  1. johnnytezca

    Joysticks (1983)

    CONS: Joysticks is the worst. It is Troll 2 without the character development or special effects budget. If you took all of the scenes of extras doing outtakes and screen tests from every Bill Murray movie before 1990, and removed all of the funny parts, you would have a better, more coherent story than Joysticks. Joe Don Baker plays the villain. He is also the most likable character in the movie. The theme song seems like an outline for the script. It is worse than any current song on the radio. PROS: Joysticks is free on youtube at present, as is the trailer. So HDTGM listeners can follow along without getting confused. There is nudity in the first 3 minutes. CONCLUSION: For anyone who grew up in the '80s, this movie is both an insult and a chance for poignant self reflection. Hard to believe that we teenagers were really that dumb back then.
  2. johnnytezca

    Speed Racer

    If nostalgic producers want to recreate all of the crap they loved as children, could they at least make it interesting to adults? You already know what I'm thinking. That's right. Make them pornographic. What could be a better setting for porn than Speed Racer, Scooby Doo, The Smurfs, or if you're after the gay market there's Yogi Bear, Masters of the Universe, and Thomas & Friends. Josie & the Pussyfuckingcats! Seriously, this just writes itself.
  3. johnnytezca

    April Fool's Idea

    Put on a fake show about recently-released footage Tim Treadwell's death in "Grizzly Man." Go from discussing the footage as if you've heard it, to the a shocking revelation behind why it was released- and a simple twist of fate that almost allowed a murderer to escape free. We then learn about Werner Herzog's dogged, almost rabid interest to produce this documentary. Eventually we are horrified to learn that Herzog's film was just a red herring. The project allowed him to keep anyone from hearing the infamous recording of Treadwell death, because Herzog HIMSELF was the killer. The new movie concludes with the shocking news that for years campers in Alaska and Yellowstone have been attacked, raped, killed and eaten by Werner Herzog himself, dressed as a giant bear. Man, this shit just writes itself sometimes.
  4. johnnytezca

    Conan the Barbarian

    I am the only person I know who loved the new Conan the Barbarian. Loved it for what it was, and for its surprisingly faithful tone to the original Robert E. Howard stories. I am also the only person I know who HATED the Arnold version. Conan was my favorite comic book character, and then my favorite fantasy pulp character. The Arnold version made me realize for the first time that one could actually hate a movie . What about watching both versions, then comparing them to see which is one is really the giant worm-speckled dog turd? And if ANYONE mentions the "humor" in the first movie, take that turd and push it into their eyeballs. Humor and camp are the worst excuses for crappy filmmaking. And when has Arnold ever had a sense of humor? His comedies are like watching someone trying to swallow their own vomit while being toasted at a wedding reception. And my God Patty O'Swalt was SO amazing. He ought to be in on every comic book movie.