fredsolo

I hate being President of the Council of Giraffes but I can’t help having the neck Mama Jesus gave me.

I like my women like I like my coffee. Sprinkled with cheeto dust.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions but the road to heaven is paved with giraffe corpses. No one knows why.

What came first, the chicken, the witch, or the wardrobe?

Give me one good reason why I should avoid the Noid

I don’t know why Jesus speaks to me exclusively in my nightmares but I guess I’m cool with it.

I dare you to catch this phrase!

My name is Sparkly Pete and I’m the sixth member of KISS

If you have nothing nice to say don’t say it. Sing it.

I put the art in fart. Wait, no. Sorry, I meant to say I put the fart on art...currently. I’m farting on this painting.

What difference does it make whether I eat pancakes or farts?

A moment of silence for the victims of yesterday’s snack attack.

I wish Batman was called Bathman because I think he should clean up his act.

The only payment we take here is gas, grass, or ass and we mean that literally.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...and slipping on banana peels...mostly slipping on banana peels.

If you have nothing nice to say that’s normal. It would be weird to compliment me for forcefully fusing your dog and your cat into one being.

I tried to avoid the Noid and he still killed my best friend. That’s it, I’m done! Tonight either I die or he does.

To be or not to be, that is the question. Transform into a bee, that is the answer.

It’s weird how Batman named Robin after his penis.

A little bird told me to shut the fuck up but it is not my boss so I won’t.

Marissa, would you make me the happiest man in the world and please fight this anthropomorphic alligator to the death? It would mean the world to me.

If you can’t beat them, join them. If you can’t join them, kill them. If you can’t kill them, kill a squirrel and then eat it. You will feel better.

Watch Big or go home.

One, two, three, four! My son died four days ago!

Brendan Fraser called, he wants his sweater back.