andrewmarvell

Jon Stewart looks and sounds a lot different tonight.

Everyone, please welcome me to Twitter.

twitter search still terrible: 'No Tweet results for "legally fucktarded".'

it's weird but i don't think i could care less about "national security." i'm probably alone on this

portmanteau de toilette

Follow me for all the hilarious and insightful things I said in person but didn't tweet.

about to buy so many blood diamonds

Old woman writing check in express checkout lane, just tempting fate.

We're all lucky Durwood isn't a popular name anymore because it's absolutely terrible.

conserve that much-needed brain-energy

People keep talking about rape jokes so I thought I'd share my thoughts: http://t.co/TVymouJY56

A pigeon in a sea of doves

Almost called him Shawn Colvin. That would have been embarrassing.

Do you have extra-short condoms with additional girth? Thanks.

can't wait to be aborted

Commit plagarism? I can't even spell it.

corded phone blood

When does that Ewan McGregor tsunami movie come out?

How did they get my checkbook?! http://t.co/Rs6usJlsdp

oh nvm people appear to be tweeting again

no oggity no piggity no quiggity no riggity no siggity no tiggity no uggity no viggity no wiggity no xiggity no yiggity no ziggity got to ag

no aggity no biggity no ciggity no diggity no eggity no figgity no giggity no higgity no iggity no jiggity no kiggity no liggity no miggity

Try explaining the plot of Ghostbusters II to someone who hasn't seen it without sounding like a lunatic.

wet beyond my years

.@youngandyhams http://t.co/lWyLRobnXw