PlanBFromOuterSpace

This week's film, "The Covenant", reminds me of another trope that pops up in a lot of bad films, where the main character(s) is set up to be THE coolest or most sympathetic person or the best at what they do in the universe that this movie takes place in, but it's completely unbelievable. It seems to happen the most in total vanity projects ("The Room", "Glitter", "Burlesque", "Cool As Ice") or in movies where the filmmakers don't seem to understand how their target demographic really works ("Hackers", "On The Line", "From Justin to Kelly", "Abduction"). Come to think of it, this applies to almost any movie starring a musician that's playing a non-musician that somehow ends up knowing a thing or two about music and BLOWS EVERYONE'S MINDS.

And we all know that even in a movie CALLED "Street Fighter" that a street doesn't even need to be present for such fights to occur. Or something. What exactly IS...ugh, nevermind...

It's like a weird meta-recommend, like it's been recommended so much that it's infiltrated the universe WITHIN the HDTGM universe to make itself known. That said, I don't think we'd ever get so lucky as to have this happen with "Southland Tales"...

Speaking of Dracula 2000, didn't that come out in like December of 2000? It was almost out of date the second it hit theaters! (Holy shit, I just looked to make sure, and it came out on 12/22...) Also, Covenant may have been about the hundredth movie to use White Zombie's "More Human Than Human".

Die Hard 2 is also fine.

Hey, Nightmare on Elm Street 4 is a treasure!

I'd forgotten that I'd commented on this movie over on that thread a few years ago. From 2012... "Oh wow, I'd forgotten this one, and with good reason! Everything about this movie is PAINFUL. It's full of scenes where people explain things to each other in a way that you would ONLY talk to a total stranger about things, not like you would talk to your kid or a friend that's known you all your life that you've had the very same conversation with numerous times before. I believe there was a bit where the main kid had used his powers irresponsibly or something, for the umpteenth time, and the mom is all like "Now remember, when you got these powers on your thirteenth birthday, I told you how you must never reveal that you and your three friends, all descendants of the original lords of whateverthefuck, have magical powers..." or something like that. She was practically breaking the 4th wall and telling us to write that down. There's also some mispronunciations of towns that you wouldn't fuck up if you were a local that you would TOTALLY fuck up if you were just an actor reading off of the page and the director was Renny Harlin. I want to say "Gloucester" was the one in the movie. My dad is from Worcester, which I've seen get butchered a lot in other things, so anything spelled like that. I think I lost count of all the raining/not raining/raining/not raining edits in this thing..."

Me, during this whole Deanna controversy...

"The Covenant" is that special kind of stupid bad, where I only saw it the one time when it came out a decade ago, but I remember so, so much... See also: "When A Stranger Calls"

This is what I imagine Taylor Lautner will look like when he's 50.

Completely unrelated to this episode, but totally related to one of the more controversial topics in HDTGM history: There's this new Blu-Ray format that just launched, 4K Ultra HD or something, so the studios of course have a line-up of library titles ready to go for it. The best of the best to showcase their illustrious histories that can show off the power of what this thing can do. "Sales have been kind of soft? Huh, people just must not be ready for this new format. I mean, our line-up of launch titles was absolutely perfect..." --- Marketing guy from Sony that should be unemployed Ladies and gentleman, when you're creating a super duper mega sharp ultra HD format for REAL movie buffs, there's only one movie you need to worry about...

I like how in the documentary they talk about how too much of the dramatic story stuff had to be cut, like it would have been "Saving Private Ryan" or something if we would have been able to see Chuck Norris ACT more.

It's practically a documentary!

I just KNEW there was something that didn't make sense about this movie...

I'd like to point out that Kiki, the head cheerleader/lead in the play/whatever is wicked hot, and probably benefits from not having the unfortunate 80s mall hair that everyone else has. She has kind of a Phoebe Cates thing about her... A quick search finds that, good God, she's still ridiculously hot. She looks like she could be Megan Fox's older sister or something...

All this talk about liking me for me and hanging out with Leo's Pussy Posse...

If you guys ever do "Karate Kid Part 3", can you still just call her Luis Guzman?

So, this was "The Sixth Sense" a decade early? Luis Guzman is the normal one because she doesn't realize that she lost her younger brother, while her parents are totally fucked in the head and acting like absolute weirdos around their remaining offspring because they were traumatized by it. I'm going to guess that the way he went was food-related... (Sorry, I had that epiphany immediately upon posting my original "Sixth Sense" comment)

I half expected the shirtless sax player from "The Lost Boys" to wander into frame.

Damn you and your SCIENCE, sir! This movie isn't called "Teen SCIENTIST"!

Can we expect a certain Hispanic actor to appear in an animated version of this episode?

This whole movie to me had a very "Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge" aesthetic to it, right down to the musical number... He's practically saying "Top that!".

To its credit, for all the 80s white guy rapping in this movie, I don't think I heard a single "...and I'm here to say", which is quite the accomplishment. I think we can agree that that line in any rap is THE worst.

The house where they go to "kiss" totally reminded me of the house the kid was squatting in when he was trying to hide from Fuck Ghost in "It Follows". The kids in this were totally safe though, because Fuck Ghost had a poker game to get to...

Maybe it's like "Saved By the Bell", where it seemed like they were going to prom like seven times in any given year.