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klemjohansen

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Everything posted by klemjohansen

  1. klemjohansen

    Atlas Shrugged (2011)

    I'd give it a bad review, but I believe the word "give" is anathema to my Randian beliefs. I will say this: the invisible hand of the free market gives this movie a thumbs down.
  2. klemjohansen

    Drop Dead Fred (1991)

    I always pronounce Rick Mayall as "Wick" because he talks funny.
  3. When someone starts a sentence with "people often ask me," you can pretty much rest assured that people don't.
  4. klemjohansen

    Episode 139 โ€” Boring Kanye West

    As for comic book movies, I'd love to see a fully animated Moonshadow in that amazing watercolor style. They probably already started it but it won't be completed in our lifetime. http://www.comicvine.com/moonshadow/4050-9412/
  5. klemjohansen

    Episode 139 โ€” Boring Kanye West

    Matt picked the best funeral song of the group, though I would have gone with the Damned's "I Fell in Love with a Video Nasty" to play as I'm being lowered into the ground.
  6. klemjohansen

    Zardoz

    I just saw this a few days ago, and though I was very put off by the Connery mankini, I thought it really wasn't that horrible in comparison to other sci fi work of the early 70's. There were a handful of great visual ideas in the first act but then it settled into a fairly standard fish out of water, boy meets girl in strange vortex world, girl tries to ferret out how he got there through telepathy, boobs, boobs and lots of references to operational and non-operational penises. Honestly, the chattle scene where Charlotte Rampling is all "he's a beast who's gonna bone-zone all you womenses" was just silly.
  7. klemjohansen

    Episode 68 โ€” Over The Top: LIVE!

    SPOILER ALERT: I have seen a draft script of Over The Tippy Top (aka Over The Top II) and it definitely needs to be made- if only as a direct-to-VHS release. I was really surprised, though, because the script is super dark, guys. In the first act, Hawke(s) dies of an arm-wrestling disease like cancer of the wrist and, due to an unforeseeable traffic snarl, his corpse is two hours late to his own funeral. Typical Hawke and/or Hawkes! Also, it becomes clear that Hawke(s)'s son had changed his name for obvious reasons to something less erotic like Mike Rotch. However, he writes reviews on Amazon under the name Mike1999. They establish a B plot featuring a love interest who buys him movies, but it isn't developed in this version of the script. As a tribute to his late father, he goes out on the arm wrestling circuit in an attempt to bring glory to the Hawke or Hawkes name. Sadly, his arm-wrestling dreams die during a hideous radius-snapping tournament scene (yikes!). In the grip of melancholy, he gives up on everything and goes into gay porn under the unsubtle nom de plume My Cock. Just when you think all is lost, our young hero hears that a group of suspiciously burly bearded men are gathering at a truck stop somewhere for what is being billed as a "winner take all" arm wrestling tournament cum and-all-be-all of human existence. In a last ditch effort to get his life back on track, he cruises by a nearby military school and kidnaps a child to cheer him on and cry during dramatic moments. Thankfully, all the implied molestation happens off camera. Over. The. Tippy. Tippy. Top. Four stars!
  8. klemjohansen

    Episode 235 โ€” Concert Buddies

    Spoiler alert: Andrew Lloyd Weber (Grill) declared his nether regions to be "verdant." He probably meant this to imply that his downstairs man-carpet is thick and lush, but according to the dictionary (ha ha the first part sounds like dick!) he's really saying that he has green pubic hair. Also: I had always assumed that Les Miserables was an Andrew Lloyd Webber (Grill) musical. *the more you know*
  9. klemjohansen

    Episode 235 โ€” Concert Buddies

    I play Custer's Revenge in a way that gets some cardio going. If you know what I mean. Also, don't pretend like you don't know what I mean.
  10. klemjohansen

    Episode 91 โ€” Biohazard Acoustics

    Besser's reaction is fantastic: "..um, everything he's saying is true, though."
  11. Dislocated Spleen Swollen William H. Macy Nodes Wal-Mart All-American Brandยฎ Diverticulitisโ„ข Ingrown Liver Genital Warts Genital Farts Roget's Thesaurusitis Herniated Weekend (At Bernie's) Stage 3 Butt-crack Sack Plaque
  12. klemjohansen

    Episode 89 โ€” Authentic Redneck Dialect

    Did you know that the use of the word "pedantic" is almost always pedantic? Also, did you know that the vinca plant, with its pentacle-shaped bloom, is so named because "vinca" is Sweedish for "five?" It's actually not. The Sweeds have at least forty-six words for the number five, and none of them are "vinca." Actually, that's not true, either- as far as I know. I won't bother to look it up because, like most things in this may-fly brief life, it just isn't worth it. That doesn't keep me from telling people this, though. The bit about vinca, I mean. I break it out whenever discussing botany with people, which happens surprisingly often. Actually, I should probably wonder less about my propensity for fibbing about plant names and more about why I hang out at the city greenhouse so much when I have no interest in that stuff, none at all. Back in college someone told me a story about botany groupies, young women who for some reason are irrationally aroused by any sort of plant trivia. I have now come to suspect that this tale was entirely apocryphal, but that hasn't dimmed my enthusiasm for the idea. So, now I spend most weekends hanging out at the local botanical gardens in hopes of one day hearing those magic words: "You can name five major species of under-sea flora by their Latin names and describe their life cycles- let's do it." Sadly, this has never come to pass. Every once in a while, some stranger will point admiringly at the delicate five-petalled blossom along the north wall of the glass house, and I will smile with a sigh. Someday. I sigh again just in case the last one didn't convey the proper level of poignancy. Someday.
  13. klemjohansen

    Episode 202 โ€” Spirit Animal

    Sometimes I cry when I see litter. I'm fairly sure that's racist, but I can't remember why.
  14. klemjohansen

    Episode 124 โ€” Road Food

    When it comes to pickles or eggs, Large Jar is my very favorite brand. Mmmm mm! Gotta love Large Jar! *wink*
  15. klemjohansen

    Episode 232 โ€” LIVE from San Diego Comic-Con

    All poops are food ghosts. When I flush the toilet I can hear the food ghost saying "oooOOOOoo" and in that moment I become inexorably connected with my own mortality. The air is suddenly cold, and I am so alone.
  16. klemjohansen

    Episode 89 โ€” Authentic Redneck Dialect

    Matt has taken a position on several things during the course of the show. Patent trolls have to be the least controversial. Claiming ownership over a developed idea a decade after its inception based on an intentionally vague patent application is ridiculous. Regardless of whether the people behind this attack succeed or are beaten back into their hidey holes like SCO was a few years ago, people certainly have a reason to voice their opinions about the abuse of U.S. patent law. Also, you appear to be Vizzini-ing the word "reactionary."
  17. klemjohansen

    Vampire's Kiss (1988)

    I'd love to have a recording of all the actor/director conversations between Werner Herzogg and Nick Cage.
  18. The NYT puzzles get harder over the course of the week. So, the Tuesday isn't really that hard. The Saturday & Sunday ones are usually the toughest. That's why whenever I get in a yo-mama fight with another nerd, I lay this on them: Yo mama is such a ho-bag, she's easier than the Monday NYT crossword! SNAP! *Will Shorts mic drop*
  19. klemjohansen

    List of Scott's Frequently Repeated Phrases

    I try to implement CBB rules in real life sometimes and let me tell you it does not work out so well. When people say their own names you have to repeat it very fast before they say anything else. Cake Boss! When someone refers to their spouse in any way, it's an open invitation for "my whaiff." I tried please call me Mr. Johansen. No, please call me Klem, and it similarly failed miserably. I need cooler friends, apparently. I can report that "It's been" has had some limited success with my, um, the woman I married, since she has a frame of reference for the Barenaked Ladies. I will say, though, that IT'S BEEN at least a month or so since I tried it.
  20. klemjohansen

    Robot Jox (1989)

    A guy on SomethingAwful's once-great forums did a shot-by-shot breakdown of this movie with gifs and such. It was lovely. He also did a workup for Willow. Sadly I can't find it anymore.
  21. klemjohansen

    The Host (2013)

    Even my 15yo daughter who read the books walked out of the theater saying "well, that was garbage." Is the story based on a young woman's desire for a socially acceptable excuse for having two boyfriends? And the voice over- wow. I began to suspect that the movie was just a rouse to put a theater full of people to sleep so they could be easily pick pocketed or diddled.
  22. klemjohansen

    The next Earwolf stand up album

    They should do a record where Paul F. Thompkins pretends to be a very, very old man- maybe a hundred years or more! Scott could interview him like a straight man (I'm not implying anything about his sexuality, he's married, guys!) and interview him about what life was like way back a century or so ago- even before the Internet. How did people even live then? I mean, was everything in black and white? These are questions we need answers to!
  23. Having made iOS games before, I imagine it would be fun to cobble together a game or series of games based on Earwolf podcasts/characters: - Nerd Poker - hack and slash your way through the basement dungeon of a local comic shop looking for a rare first edition Green Lantern #1. - Besser & co. improv-fighting, Mortal Combat. Press the "yes-and" button to attack with a weird non-sequitur, including combo attacks where you ask for examples and try to paint your opponent into a creative corner. - Who Charted mini game - get the chart goose to give up its egg by petting it or shaking your phone. How you coax the egg out helps determine the snippet of podcast that pops out. - Totally Laime - an "escape the room" style game where the co-hosts attempt to leave their home. - How Did This Get Made- a Zelda II 8-bit top-down adventure game where you run around LA pitching Nicholas Cage movies. - Rafflecast - a series of dozens of micro-games that involve stuff like: hefting an obese Peter Pan over a a stage without letting him drop or crushing his genitals, fetching drinks for Liberace to be rewarded by him saying your name slowly, and Jack White and Jimmy Page bludgeon The Edge with a wawa pedal.
  24. klemjohansen

    Episode 196 โ€” The Wire

    Not even white folks like season 2 of the wire.
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