Jump to content
🔒 The Earwolf Forums are closed Read more... ×


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Posts posted by klemjohansen

  1. I can already tell you what Jason's favorite line of this movie will be:


    "It's horny time, baby!" - Bobo Nikki Minage


    This has to be the best possible way to be greeted by someone you don't know when visiting a city for the first time.



    The movie accurately predicted smart phones (of 2013). All the handheld devices in this movie are all the same garage door opener with LCD numbers-only display hot-glued on. We know that each device does something different because the actors tell us so.

    • Like 1

  2. I heard "Snake clickbait" not as clickbait about snakes but clickbait for snakes.

    • 10 Plump Mice Begging to be Swallowed Whole - Number Sss will shock you!
    • Slither Yourself Thin with This One Secret Trick
    • Starlet Sheds Her Skin, Jaws Dropped, Then Dislocated
    • 24 Famous Snakes Who Have Not Aged Well
    • SssssSss Ssss SssssSSSSssssS sss!

    • Like 7

  3. My teenager daughter and I watched it together (75% of the references went over her head) and she pointed to an interesting response she found on Tumblr which I will paraphrase horribly:


    Each group of characters represents a different genre of 80's movie. The kids are in a sci fi movie where their friendship is tested (ET, etc.) The teenagers are in Halloween + Pretty in Pink. Hoop and Joyce are in a pre-X-Files conspiracy flick. Nothing they try works until all the storylines come together near the end because they only see things from their genre's perspective.

    • Like 3

  4. For 1982/3, a text adventure game on a TRS-80 would probably have been more accurate.




    You're in a super-spooky clearing in the woods. A path leads to safety to the south. There are creepy-looking paths leading east and west.


    You hear screams, high teenagey girl screams that might or might not be Nancy, coming from inside the tree to the North.


    > Go north


    Into the tree with the fucking split-face monster? Are you out of your fucking mind? Nancy is hot and all, but it's time to move on.


    > Inventory


    You are carrying: a flashlight, jacket, an unfortunate haircut


    > Knock on tree


    I don't understand those words.


    Actually I do. I just think this is a dumb idea.


    > Set beartrap


    You cannot do that here.


    > Mope


    This action has no effect.


    > Hit on barb


    Better idea, but she's not here.


    > Go north.




    A creepy hand reaches out of the creepy hole in the creepy tree, creepily.


    > grab hand


    You probably guessed that it's not the monster's hand but Nancy's. Good job. You've seen movies before. *golf clap* By the way, if you think you're going to make out with her now, you're sorely mistaken. Check a map, buddy. The zone you are in is clearly labelled "friend."






    I used to play them on my Trash-80 all the time because I was (am) a huge nerd. Because you couldn't store anything (without sacrificing your Queen's Greatest Hits cassette) I learned to write games super fast. I thought it would impress girls.




    It did not.



  5. Was I the only one excited that the cab driver was the guy from the Polly-O String Cheese commercial?



    Those kids talking in Italian and French as if the French invented pizza- ugh. Can you imagine an alternate universe in which French chefs invented pizza and people loved it? A disc of croissant slathered in fatty cream sauce and topped with bœuf bourguignon and brie. Actually, that does not sound horrible now that I think about it.

  6. Barb's Trapper Keeper game is strong. I was a kid in this era, and I knew a lot of Barbs- rectilinear eyewear, serious Martha Plimpton vibe. Barbs are awesome.




    I imagine an alternate reality in which Barb survived and went on to become the queen of the alterna-kids scene at the all-ages dance clubs of the late 80's - wearing all black and a New Order T-shirt, her mother complaining "you dress like a Greek widow!"



    • Like 3

  7. I you all have talked about The Shadow already. I have a VHS of this movie which was a promo for Blockbuster. It has details on how to order more copies, details on how to sign up to win the pin ball machine, and a music video. Yes this video has an music video. I found it on youtube.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXpWfd1BNkQ


    It's like Taylor Dane took a meeting with the guys from Hollywood Handbook and they were like "you know what would be a great career move for you? Becoming Bonnie Tyler. Is she avail? Last I heard she was holding out for a hero during a total eclipse or something. Somebody call her up and tell her to stop smoking for five minutes so she can write Taylor a song!"

    • Like 2

  8. A few humbly submitted omissions:

    • In the sandwich scene we see Mannequin 2 pull out the bread, slather an unhealthy amount of mayo on the bread - then eat it. It's almost as if they'd cut a line or two of dialogue, but the end result is her bologna sandwich has no bologna. It's just a shit-ton of mayo.
    • They mentioned the moment when American Gladiator busts into the ladies room, but the reaction from the lady on the right is amazing.
    • Nobody mentioned Treat Williams' best line in the movie- so subtle but so great. There's a two second cutaway in the pirate fight where he just says "runaway" and bolts.
    • Everyone's screaming and she starts to cover herself up like the rest then she sees this purple muscle monster and she's like "hey, fella." But it's half way between arousal and confusion.
    • The main henchman had to have killed the phantom (American Gladiator's dad) 6 years earlier. So, it makes sense that he's a little freaked out that the guy he killed is not only still alive, he's decades younger. And, yes, he would have noted the age difference because he was close enough to Phantom 20 to smell his shitty old man cologne and see his gross wrinkles. But the movie doesn't mention this because, as I pointed out, it's made for old people who fantasize that their weird raisin-like bodies are indistinguishable from that of American Gladiator Billy Zane.
    • Confirmed: A horse galloping at tippy-top speed can match the speed of a 1930's biplane running just above it's stall speed- which sucks because I spent a half hour looking up numbers like a fucking nerd and confirming them only to find out that it's plausible. Also, I suck at this.


    Bonus dong

    Also, from the mini-sode thread, the art deco boner elevators were super great. I posted this photo with a dick joke but it was too subtle so someone followed it up with "hey, this looks like a dong!" So, yes. Drax has phallus elevators.




    I actually found myself enjoying this movie a lot for some reason. It's dumb and boring, but the period elements are solid (shiny vintage cars!) and Mannequin 2's clothes are fantastic. Even dumb Billy Zane's aw-shucks super hero kind of works if I wear a cardigan and pretend to be very, very old.

    • Like 2

  9. Most nostalgia-fueled reboots are aimed at getting parents to drag their kids to the movie. In this case, it seems like the producers wanted grandparents to flock to the theaters with their grandkids- or something.


    That's why they stuck so closely to the source material even when certain aspects of the original serial didn't make sense in a mid-90's movie -- check out all 4 hours on YouTube:



    That's why the fights were so weirdly slow and choreographed- they didn't want to startle their primary audience. That's why the movie has hints of that soft racism grandmas love so much. That's why the sexuality of the movie was so subtle and Mannequin 2 and American Gladiator had zero sexual chemistry- that sort of thing would have startled Hortense and Mabel. The five minutes of shirtless AG was the furthest they could go.


    Did you ever have a friend in high school or college who was really good with old people and would come over and randomly charm the giant panties off your grandmother? This movie is that friend.

    • Like 4

  10. My favorite part so far is 22:00 when Uncle Tuxedo is like "that guy is horrible! He's checking books out of the library like some kind of nerd! Look, here's a symbol I wrote on a swatch of fabric from Stevie Nicks' dress! I've tracked that totally-not-spider-man-related symbol to the only place on the planet with spiders- The Bangala Jungle from the first part of this movie!!"

    • Like 2

  11. The place naming in this movie is so lazy. In just the first couple of minutes you see an encampment, almost always named after some dead white dude, simply called "Jungle Patrol." We know it's in the jungle. We just saw five minutes of jungle. We know it's a patrol because the guy on top of that very sign is on, well, patrol. And shortly afterward we see a charity event with the evocative title of "Annual Charity Dinner." Have you ever heard a non-profit spending all year planning their primary fundraiser and bestowing it with a theme like "charity dinner." At least they threw "annual" in there to give it some texture.

    • Like 2

  12. Both The Shadow and The Phantom, being based on old-timey radio shows,

    both partake in a particular kind of old-timey racism- specifically, the unquestioned belief that asian people are magical creatures not unlike leprechauns.


    The filmmakers probably pitched it like - "What if we made that sequel to The Shadow you always asked about - except the movie really wants to be Indiana Jones?"

    • Like 3