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klemjohansen

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Everything posted by klemjohansen

  1. klemjohansen

    Reading Regret

    Welcome to the anti-book club. Let's talk about books we regret reading. Me first. I don't remember exactly why I hated Children of Dune so much, but I gave up on it with 10 pages to go. Also, I was at the beach at the time and had nothing else to read all day, but still, it seemed worth it at the time not to let the bastard win. I read God Emperor Dune a few years later and loved it, so go figure. I didn't make it through Chapter House, but I don't think that was the book's fault. Tuesdays with Morrie reads like a series of Hallmark cards ready by Hummel figurines, a simplistic, surface-level appeal to what the author assumes is our better nature. Never again am I going to let the "everyone is telling me to read this book" phenomenon drive book buying decisions. So much of the glurgy message of the book is about acceptance, and yet the text spends so much time judging people (the author judging himself and guessing at the motivations of random strangers to whom he never speaks) that you want to shake the author to death. Assuming that people who do not see the world as you do are miserable and in need of your help is deeply arrogant and gross. I don't know how else to describe the book and how I felt reading it but that word: gross. I read Atlas Shrugged as an adventure story. A guy makes special metal and there's an issue with the trains blah blah blah. It was dumb, so very dumb,though I didn't hate it as much as Tuesdays because I knew it was a pseudo-intellectual snot rag from the get-go. Also, I skipped the 50 page speech at the end because I've got shit to do. Your turn- what books did you read or (half read) only to regret it at some point?
  2. klemjohansen

    Episode 152.5 - Minisode 152.5

    I can already tell you what Jason's favorite line of this movie will be: "It's horny time, baby!" - Bobo Nikki Minage This has to be the best possible way to be greeted by someone you don't know when visiting a city for the first time. The movie accurately predicted smart phones (of 2013). All the handheld devices in this movie are all the same garage door opener with LCD numbers-only display hot-glued on. We know that each device does something different because the actors tell us so.
  3. klemjohansen

    Episode 148 - Vampire's Kiss: LIVE!

    Jennider/Jessica Beals' fingernails change color between the time they meet at the club and when they bone zone at his place, which is presumably the same night. They're very dark at the club and bright red at his place.
  4. klemjohansen

    Episode 148 - Vampire's Kiss: LIVE!

    In my mind, the therapist from Vampires Kiss (especially in the fantasy scenes) was the inspiration for the therapist from Crank 2
  5. klemjohansen

    Episode 442 - Atlantis Dire Warning

    When you're a cowboy poet making sweet love to the wind, all winds are Chicago style because the sauce is on top.
  6. klemjohansen

    Episode 441 - Your Cousin Marvin

    I heard "Snake clickbait" not as clickbait about snakes but clickbait for snakes. 10 Plump Mice Begging to be Swallowed Whole - Number Sss will shock you! Slither Yourself Thin with This One Secret Trick Starlet Sheds Her Skin, Jaws Dropped, Then Dislocated 24 Famous Snakes Who Have Not Aged Well SssssSss Ssss SssssSSSSssssS sss!
  7. klemjohansen

    Do other people have real life friends who are podcast fans?

    I do, but they're generally into bland NPR podcasts or shows I can't stand and/or broke up with ages ago. Whenever they bring up On The Media or Serial, I groan silently the same way I'm sure they do when I bring up How Did This Get Made or No Such Thing as a Fish.
  8. klemjohansen

    Episode 142.5 - Minisode 142.5

    On Overcast.fm it looked as though every episode of HDTGM premiered today so the unplayed tab had dozens of episodes and you have to manually delete them or unsubscribe and re-subscribe. In the absence of any actual information, I blame the intern.
  9. How did I get Nancy? This is bullshit!
  10. My teenager daughter and I watched it together (75% of the references went over her head) and she pointed to an interesting response she found on Tumblr which I will paraphrase horribly: Each group of characters represents a different genre of 80's movie. The kids are in a sci fi movie where their friendship is tested (ET, etc.) The teenagers are in Halloween + Pretty in Pink. Hoop and Joyce are in a pre-X-Files conspiracy flick. Nothing they try works until all the storylines come together near the end because they only see things from their genre's perspective.
  11. For 1982/3, a text adventure game on a TRS-80 would probably have been more accurate. I used to play them on my Trash-80 all the time because I was (am) a huge nerd. Because you couldn't store anything (without sacrificing your Queen's Greatest Hits cassette) I learned to write games super fast. I thought it would impress girls.
  12. Those kids talking in Italian and French as if the French invented pizza- ugh. Can you imagine an alternate universe in which French chefs invented pizza and people loved it? A disc of croissant slathered in fatty cream sauce and topped with bœuf bourguignon and brie. Actually, that does not sound horrible now that I think about it.
  13. I like to think that Wednesday and Suzuki Beane were reluctant friends in "square" school https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P909e3DznY8
  14. Barb's Trapper Keeper game is strong. I was a kid in this era, and I knew a lot of Barbs- rectilinear eyewear, serious Martha Plimpton vibe. Barbs are awesome.
  15. On an unrelated note - anyone finish Stranger Things? I remember playing the Atari 2600 version as a kid
  16. It's like Taylor Dane took a meeting with the guys from Hollywood Handbook and they were like "you know what would be a great career move for you? Becoming Bonnie Tyler. Is she avail? Last I heard she was holding out for a hero during a total eclipse or something. Somebody call her up and tell her to stop smoking for five minutes so she can write Taylor a song!"
  17. Paul: OK, ma'am give us your your alternate title, your best JCVD impression, and your question. Go! Audience Member: Well, Timecop: Roger Coreman's Terminator? Um, "Ah ahm a streht fedder." Also... Jenny, you're adopted.
  18. A few humbly submitted omissions: In the sandwich scene we see Mannequin 2 pull out the bread, slather an unhealthy amount of mayo on the bread - then eat it. It's almost as if they'd cut a line or two of dialogue, but the end result is her bologna sandwich has no bologna. It's just a shit-ton of mayo. They mentioned the moment when American Gladiator busts into the ladies room, but the reaction from the lady on the right is amazing. Nobody mentioned Treat Williams' best line in the movie- so subtle but so great. There's a two second cutaway in the pirate fight where he just says "runaway" and bolts. Everyone's screaming and she starts to cover herself up like the rest then she sees this purple muscle monster and she's like "hey, fella." But it's half way between arousal and confusion. The main henchman had to have killed the phantom (American Gladiator's dad) 6 years earlier. So, it makes sense that he's a little freaked out that the guy he killed is not only still alive, he's decades younger. And, yes, he would have noted the age difference because he was close enough to Phantom 20 to smell his shitty old man cologne and see his gross wrinkles. But the movie doesn't mention this because, as I pointed out, it's made for old people who fantasize that their weird raisin-like bodies are indistinguishable from that of American Gladiator Billy Zane. Confirmed: A horse galloping at tippy-top speed can match the speed of a 1930's biplane running just above it's stall speed- which sucks because I spent a half hour looking up numbers like a fucking nerd and confirming them only to find out that it's plausible. Also, I suck at this. Bonus dong Also, from the mini-sode thread, the art deco boner elevators were super great. I posted this photo with a dick joke but it was too subtle so someone followed it up with "hey, this looks like a dong!" So, yes. Drax has phallus elevators. I actually found myself enjoying this movie a lot for some reason. It's dumb and boring, but the period elements are solid (shiny vintage cars!) and Mannequin 2's clothes are fantastic. Even dumb Billy Zane's aw-shucks super hero kind of works if I wear a cardigan and pretend to be very, very old.
  19. Most nostalgia-fueled reboots are aimed at getting parents to drag their kids to the movie. In this case, it seems like the producers wanted grandparents to flock to the theaters with their grandkids- or something. That's why they stuck so closely to the source material even when certain aspects of the original serial didn't make sense in a mid-90's movie -- check out all 4 hours on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8T97xmDctdY That's why the fights were so weirdly slow and choreographed- they didn't want to startle their primary audience. That's why the movie has hints of that soft racism grandmas love so much. That's why the sexuality of the movie was so subtle and Mannequin 2 and American Gladiator had zero sexual chemistry- that sort of thing would have startled Hortense and Mabel. The five minutes of shirtless AG was the furthest they could go. Did you ever have a friend in high school or college who was really good with old people and would come over and randomly charm the giant panties off your grandmother? This movie is that friend.
  20. klemjohansen

    Episode 141.5 - Minisode 141.5

    /!\ Spoiler Alert /!\ They fight with their Schwartz beams at the end. "No one refuses the Phantom." is a creepy thing for a guy to say to a woman. The Phantom is not woke, you guys.
  21. klemjohansen

    Episode 141.5 - Minisode 141.5

    The elevators in Drax's building only work once every night- sometimes twice, but they really need a lot of positive reinforcement to pull it off.
  22. klemjohansen

    Episode 141.5 - Minisode 141.5

    The skulls are exactly like boobs in that they are much more powerful when put together.
  23. klemjohansen

    Episode 141.5 - Minisode 141.5

    My favorite part so far is 22:00 when Uncle Tuxedo is like "that guy is horrible! He's checking books out of the library like some kind of nerd! Look, here's a symbol I wrote on a swatch of fabric from Stevie Nicks' dress! I've tracked that totally-not-spider-man-related symbol to the only place on the planet with spiders- The Bangala Jungle from the first part of this movie!!"
  24. klemjohansen

    Episode 141.5 - Minisode 141.5

    The place naming in this movie is so lazy. In just the first couple of minutes you see an encampment, almost always named after some dead white dude, simply called "Jungle Patrol." We know it's in the jungle. We just saw five minutes of jungle. We know it's a patrol because the guy on top of that very sign is on, well, patrol. And shortly afterward we see a charity event with the evocative title of "Annual Charity Dinner." Have you ever heard a non-profit spending all year planning their primary fundraiser and bestowing it with a theme like "charity dinner." At least they threw "annual" in there to give it some texture.
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