klemjohansen

I'm not saying that Marco Rubio was awkward, but the best part of his SOTU response was when Napoleon Dynamite came out and danced.

Something tells me that the country wouldn't ne in such "dire" need of Ted Nugent's help if he was still selling those novelty records.

On the hunt for the elusive wereborghini, a homely mini-van that, by the light of the moon, becomes the world's douchiest car.

All across the world, people are celebrating Fat Tuesday. Here in America we call it Tuesday.

Overheard review of Microsoft's Surface: "The OS is terrible, unusable." "Yes but the keyboards come in different colors."

Pope Benny quit because he was sick of the cardinals making fun of his kick-ass red shoes. That Elvis Costello song makes so much sense now.

Everybody shut up! Shh! D to the A, mo-fos.

Wondering what Beyonce will do to ruin the Grammies and complete the trifecta- check the fueses, guys!

In the future, instead of seeing a therapist in person, you'll upload your brain's .log file as well as your browser history.

Wit is no substitute for vulgarity.

Calzone, it was you all along. You broke my heart. @parksandrecnbc

Can't wait until cannibalism is commonplace. When folks talk about "a roast of Eddie Pepitone" are they going to mock him or eat him?

Be prepared... to delay difficult choices. #bsa

Apparently "We're going to cover the controversy" means "We're going to copy/paste shit from the Internet and go home early." Congrats, CNN!

Remains of Richard III found. I hope they do a reconstruction of the skull to reveal what we already know: he looked just like Kevin Spacey.

FTW watching In Search Of on DVD #superbowl

Forcing through 13 hours of the American version of House of Cards was rewarding and exhausting, much like the actual marathon I never ran

Congrats, Melissa Gilbert and Timothy Busfield. It's a match made on Lifetime Movie Network.

People laughed when I chose Stefan Urquelle for my NBA fantasy team, but last night he got 20 points and 15 boards on TV Land. #hoops

Obama is the president we waited in line for at the Apple store but complained about bitterly once we realized we didn't know how to use him

I'm setting up a kickstarter for my new Vonnegut-themed hotel. It's called The Bed & Breakfast of Champions.

Found it on ebay? Really? Come on. #ahs

Hey, @PFTompkins is that the Sleepy Voice of the Internet on the new Starcraft trailer? Sounds just like her.

Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends gathering in LA today to record a "We Ar the World"-style song in response to every song she's ever written

New Ind. Gov. @GovPenceIN says he's super excited to get to work curtailing rights for people who don't look like him. The new (old) GOP.