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Posts posted by klemjohansen

  1. There was supposed to be a sequel called The Covenants, about the same group of snotty dicks now living in the suburbs and taking control of their local homeowners' association board of directors. "You saying I can't put up a shed in my back yard without going through the architectural control committee? [Floats in the air menacingly] There's gonna be a witch fiiiiiiiight!"

    • Like 6

  2. To its credit, for all the 80s white guy rapping in this movie, I don't think I heard a single "...and I'm here to say", which is quite the accomplishment. I think we can agree that that line in any rap is THE worst.



    80's white kid rap form:


    YOUR NAME: ___________________

    WHAT ARE YOU HERE TO SAY: __________________

    WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO: __________________


    • Like 6

  3. I have a theory that Richie and the little brother from Better Off Dead were friends. Since the setting is vague in Teen Witch, it's conceivable that it took place in the same Northern California town of Greendale where Better Off Dead takes place.


    The younger Meyer brother appears to be 10 or so in 1985 and by 1989 he seems to be 13 or 14. That would make him the same age as Richie. Neither of them ski, so what is there to do in Greendale other than make marshmallow pizzas and destroy your garage with a d-i-y space shuttle?



    During the "how to pick up loose women" party in his room, I imagine Richie is there but unseen due to the narrow view through the door.


    In this sense, Teen Witch is a sequel to Better off Dead- if only for the younger brother through-line.

    • Like 2

  4. Did anybody else notice that some of the rap sequences sound like one guy with a shitty reverb or delay to make it sound like three guys?


    Also, the trio's costumes are a perfect summation of 80's fashion clichés. The costume designer was like, "you can have a vest or a Hawaiian shirt or you can have suspenders." And the director goes, "well, we have three of them." "That's easy! One each. Done!"




    The sheer number of references in this movie to early-to-mid 80's pop culture for a movie shot in the very late 80's makes me think it was a period piece, which would explain the need to repeatedly remind us of the time period. It's almost like in Childrens Hospital when they constantly say things like, "in Brazil, which is where we are right now." This movie is saying, "you're watching an 80's teen comedy, guys. It's so 80's, even Tangena knows who Punky Brewster is."


    The use of "For he's a Jolly Good Fellow" instead of the birthday song for obvious copyright reasons is the moment I started to love this shitty movie.



    Did anybody notice that when Brad handed her the soda can he flipped it around as a way of showing off, thereby shaking it up? What a dick. Also going through Louise Guzeman's mind at that moment? "mmmm what a dick!"


    Did the DJ say "grab your wallets it's going to be a slow song?" Wallets? What the hell is going on here?


    Bolos were never cool, Brad. Not even in the 80's.


    When they counterfeited the money, I was so hoping the movie would suddenly become an teen rom-com version of To Live and Die in L.A.



    My biggest problem is the water reset magic rule. I'm sure a lot of folks will chime in about this, but for me it ruins any logical sense this movie inadvertently made. That poor theater teacher is in for a rough surprise the moment her lover-boy showers. Ew, and what if he doesn't? Talk about a stinky Sophie's choice. He'll die of thirst within a few days, anyway.


    When the guys show up at her door when she's suddenly popular- one of them looks like a 30 year old dude with a mustache.



    The spooky house scares me but then I hear the sexy 80's sax music and I'm like "it's OK. This is just a house for boning." The sax keeps going and Brad is all, "doesn't this dilapidated house make you horny?"


    This movie's idea of the pinnacle of fashion: bedazzled jean jacket a acid wash jeans. In the credit roll there should be something like "Canadian Tuxedo from the Toronto After Six collection."

    • Like 10

  5. Teen Witch: everyone in this movie overdoes it by at least 20%. It's like the story takes place in a world where everyone is a theater camp kid. All the quirky but homely best friends from the other 80's movies somehow migrated to this movie.


    This movie makes Disney's High School Musical look like Ordinary People.

    • Like 1

  6. Wookies have some very rigid gender roles, guys. We need to discuss this.


    Chewie's dad looks like a 50's movie monster. Also, he's short for a wookie, which might explain his tortured expression and ceaseless pantomime rage.


    The weird Cirque De So-What hologram TV has two sets of 70's era audio cassette players side-by side.


    Luke scene plays like a video you'd watch on line at Star Tours or something. Nobody on screen seems fully present- except for the bleeting wookies. They are in it to win it.


    Lucas always disavows this thing and claims he had nothing to do with it, but after seeing the prequels, I'm certain he had some level of creative control. Some of the worst ideas in this seem very Phantom Menacy.

    • Like 5

  7. I just want to take a quick moment to express my love and confusion of Beastman. As a huge fan of the cartoon growing up I know Beastman can talk. He may not be the brightest bulb in the drawer but he talks and he can talk to beasts. In fact the whole selling point of Beastman is this. He can control the Beasts of Eternia, so when He-Man is out in the jungles he can make giant snakes and lizards attack him. He is brutishly strong but that is secondary to his command of beasts. This begs the question, why bring him to Earth? Did they simply need the muscle? Did they figure there were beasts for him to control there? Also Beastman carries a sword the entire movie. Now, as any purist will tell you he used a whip not a sword. You use a whip to tame and command beasts, a sword cannot do that. Not that any of that matters because he doesn't hold or use the sword once in the movie. He either fires a rifle very awkwardly or just beats on people.


    In summation, I just wanted to talk about Beastman so I could post this gif I made of him running very daintily.




    He's a beastman but self identifies as a dainty space princess. His friends and family have been very supportive. It's actually a very heartwarming story.

    • Like 2

  8. Other random-ish thoughts about this incredible movie:


    At 33 minutes in, how did the microphone stand catch fire? Was it a wooden microphone stand?


    The little monster commander guy was everybody's favorite. Between his hair and Dolf's, they could have called this Mullets of the Universe.


    What teenager looks at a cylindrical device found in a cemetery and doesn't instantly think "oh, a bong!" Actually, The Key is really the Stanley Cup Trophy from the year 2150.


    Skeletor is a Travolta-style face toucher.



    Why are they putting Burger King trash into the sink? Maybe we'll wash out these paper cups to use later, guys. We're very environmentally conscientious.


    How is it that Enternian blasters that can cut 1"-thick steel but can't penetrate hollow-core wooden doors?

  9. Anybody else notice that the warehouse from the battle scene has a neon sign out front that says PIZZA backwards? Was the warehouse specifically designed to store pizza toppings?


    It was a real missed opportunity to raise the stakes a little. A laser blast causes a box of toppings to explode. "Not the pepperoni! Pepperoni is my favorite!"

    • Like 2

  10. It seems like I'm not alone in my love for this episode. Becca is my new favorite secondary character in the Wompiverse. As a trio, these characters work in any combination, and during the episode they shifted beautifully from one arrangement to another.


    Becca is so sincere and so grounded as a character, when she threw the rock pile joke out there I nearly crashed my car. I wasn't even driving at the time.


    Golf claps all around.

    • Like 2

  11. "I know how to fly a plane because I say so. Let me fly this million-dollar government aircraft for basically no reason. Also, I'm probably lying - look at my boobs."


    A surprisingly low body count for a disaster movie, but I did enjoy the dawn of what we might call the SCU, the Syfy Cinematic Universe. Apparently Finn shows up in a different shitty made-for-TV schlockfest. Finally, we can have a convention in San Diego and argue about franchise continuity!

    • Like 3