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wheelchair girl

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Everything posted by wheelchair girl

  1. wheelchair girl

    Episode 200 β€” Halfway To China

    I know Cactus Tony's good friend Andy Callahan very well, and I met with him regularly due to concerns he had over a possible family history of something he called toxic shock syndrome. His ward was so fun, and we always played games and reality games, and voted people off every week. I managed to be the final survivor after the climactic "speed round" and I won the whole shabang. I won an Apple Maxi Pad which is not at all what you think it is, and it ended up landing me in the hospital again.
  2. wheelchair girl

    Episode 199 β€” Garry Unmarried

    If Gillian would have my hand in marriage, I would be the happiest girl in the world. I do not like to brag about my Billion dollar fortune and I do not think it comprises who I am and I do not think there is any reason to have mentioned it before. Like Scott, I also have a "podcast" that involves celebrities, but also Scientology and strobe lights. Long story short, I am the sole owner of one of the world's largest celebrity sperm banks with an estimated future value of one dollar a sperm which is basically like giving it away. We have recovered nicely after the bail out and have no regrets about forcing people from their homes. Its just part of the business.
  3. wheelchair girl

    Episode 198 β€” Aren't You Glad

    I prefer a Sexsmith over a Blacksmith any day of the week, if you catch my drift. It would have been nice if Jeffrey Ross tore into "sex"smith a little more, but I was satisfied. For the record, office chairs are the rollerblades of the rolling chair world, and everyone in wheelchairs wonder how they broke the news to their parents about their office chair job. Other advantages of rolling chairs is we always sit next to the pilot on long flights(have you ever seen a wheelchair on a plane), we have toilets built into the chair(if you haven't taken a dump while sitting in the handicap spot at a Ron Sexsmith concert, you haven't lived), and we have our own Olympics.
  4. wheelchair girl

    Episode 197 β€” Please Claire-ify

    Paullelujah! Paul Rust is back, and Paulygenic too. Top ten cbb lists are for comedy sluts, and high school locker room showers. There is only one number one guest in CBB history, and all the Paul Rust Paullowers need to unite and unleash the Paulocaust.
  5. wheelchair girl

    Episode 195 β€” Making the Snow Angel

    who the fuck hates radiohead? what is there to hate about it? "oh, I hate Thom York's feelings!. and dystopian social injustice ambient soundscapes!"....and holy shit, they completely dismissed the fat guy's Boy George reference a little too fast. That was hilarious! coma-cum-meleon?!
  6. wheelchair girl

    Episode 194 β€” Me Gusta Characters!

    its true that Canada is a peaceful nation but we take great pride in dominating the shit out of your beloved winter olympic sporting events, and we do not win these winter wars without suffering some casualties. Every Canadian has heroic stories of learning to ski jump when they were 5 years old. Myself, i was a figure skater who dreamed of ruling the world through my figure skating dominance, but my heart was ripped out after watching canada lose the Battle of the Brians at the 1988 winter olympics. I had a sex change after that with the idea that women's figure skating would be ten times easier, but then I got into boys and binge drinking.
  7. wheelchair girl

    Episode 194 β€” Me Gusta Characters!

    VWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!! where have you been? the post is under attack! this post is a point of extreme spiritual significance, more so than any other point on the forum. The post has the capability to connect directly to the human nervous system. The destruction of the post would prove devastating to the forum as a whole, creating a cultural and religious void that would decimate the forum entirely......What? I spent too much time writing this post????....YOOUU spent too much time not AVATARING here!!! Let's Go! If the post dies, then you will return to your normal body and your normal wife and kids, but you are going to grow to love this post and you will plan a new life here unless the post ends and then you are basically murdered and kicked out. How you fell in love with the post is a little confusing but apparently if anything is slightly humanoid and has blue 'nads or a like button, then you are immediately planning a new life with it. Also, like everyone else in this fictional forum world, you have a pony tail. Try not to fuck anything with your pony tail, and DO NOT try to touch your b-hole with it no matter how much you think it will tickle, and no matter how much you are certain that no one will ever know, and even though everyone already thinks you do it because of how easy it is, and even if you see me doing it on a lazy summer day with my mind wandering and not giving a care in the world because I am off floating through my day swept away by nary a care or the whisper of a worry, don't do it. Did I mention that you are in love with your new life here??...... Good, now are you ready to die for me? The attackers have reached the post and you have been completely destroyed shielding me from the gun fire, and then a ginger from the CBB forums bursts through the jungle and attacks the post and I jump in the air drop kicking their face while my legs explode from the force of the impact(hence the name wheelchair girl), and I screeeam: "what happens when you mix red and blue? ....You get....'The Color Purple!!'," ...// and yes, that concludes the final letter that was written by Avatar-Celie's sister in Avatar-Africa, and that answers all the questions about the meaning behind the title of the book, and the subsequent movie "The Avatar-Color-Purple", and that is the last page of the book, and now close the book. THE END..... //.... class is dismissed, as you catch an all-knowing glance over the top of my professorly glasses, and then realize you are in a classroom.. //...of life and I am your father and you are being read a bedtime story before you go to take a long nap.. //... before surgery and your father is also your doctor administering anestheeeeee //shaaaaaaw smoosh it, shaw, shaw, shaw, smoosh it, smoosh it, shaw, shaw, shaw, smoosh it, smoosh it, and that concludes the greatest Salt-N-Peppa video of all time.
  8. wheelchair girl

    Episode BO2012.2 β€” Best of 2012 Pt 2

    The best of the year are: 2) you know what I mean 4) finger guns 1) popcorn.com 3) popcorn.com 5) fingerbang Lindbergh (please get Patton Oswalt to do way more shows) all in all, the show is the best comedy in the history of the world.
  9. wheelchair girl

    Episode 192 β€” Best of 2012 Pt 1

    WOW!!!!! You didn't just take the Christ out of Christmas. You cut the rist out of Christ. just joking. That was hilarious. I am not sure how Pally ended up on the greatest top ten list. He is more of the MLK on my list, and Wompler is the Dalai Lama, and PFT is a big time Han Dongfang.
  10. wheelchair girl

    Episode 191 β€” 2012 Holiday Spectacular

    if Paul Rust is laughing, a hundred angels got their wings. End of conversation.
  11. wheelchair girl

    Episode 191 β€” 2012 Holiday Spectacular

    if Paul Rust is laughing then I know its funny.
  12. wheelchair girl

    Episode 190 β€” You Know What I Mean?

    that one was a big time panty dropper, but then again they never have too far to drop if you know what I mean. tramputee, what? ...two phatom limb thumbs up. I heart you guys. well, phantom heart you guys...you know what I mean, right? 8======D
  13. wheelchair girl

    Episode 189 β€” The Pancake Man

    when is the last time scott fuck-a-man got in a fight with a guest? what happened to that scott sausage-muffin?
  14. wheelchair girl

    Episode 189 β€” The Pancake Man

    wow, a character incapable of humor talking to a man who found out he has arthritis. I have so many movie plot ideas swimming around in my head right now. Hey, I wonder if Magic Johnson would be available to play a child prostitute who is roommates with Ben Stein? This premise is gold. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
  15. wheelchair girl

    Episode 188 β€” Attack of the Shits

    Holy shit, that podcast should have been a fucking movie, but there's more Judd Apatow comedy stylings available? This is too good be to true. There is a 10% chance that Dec 21 2012 will be my last day on earth, but if I miss this movie, I will never forgive myself, and also for my drunk driving, but mostly for missing this movie.
  16. wheelchair girl

    Episode 186 β€” New York Mainstays

    Look, I didn’t come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was. But not anymore. And the thing is, I don’t care what people think about me because I believe in myself and I know that things are going to be OK. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college, I know what's funny. A) Violates a moral or social norm Is benign C) Is reconcilable then it's funny! You want your joke to be edgy and disrupt some kind of social more, but it also needs to be clear that everything is totally and completely fine. Just do that and you're funny!
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