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wheelchair girl

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Everything posted by wheelchair girl

  1. wheelchair girl

    Episode 235 — Concert Buddies

    who is wheelchair girl? what is wheelchair girl? can only I see her? are we all wheelchair girl? Is it a mischievous smile or a slow motion high five? a butt model? a child's smile in the rain but the sun is shining at the same time and setting with a double rainbow? but we all shine on like the moon and the stars and the sun. Yeah, we all shine on, C'mom and on and on and on and My heart will go on... Near... Far... Wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more... You open the door And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on and on and just like Titanic, we all fall in love with hot rich people and we feel on top of the world. THE END.
  2. wheelchair girl

    Episode 31 — Surprise Surprise

    TJ may have had a traumatic experience watching a lot of medical dramas, or maybe watching Lethal Weapon movies. Riggs! don't you quit on me!
  3. wheelchair girl

    Episode 31 — Surprise Surprise

    On big brother, Aaryn: "you got me saying Asx!!" WHILE she is explaining what a box of "zings" are. SHE'S a box of zings.
  4. wheelchair girl

    Episode 235 — Concert Buddies

    WHEELCHAIR GIRL'S GOD(ITS A SECRET) RESPONDS TO HER FAN'S PRAYERS FAN: holy shit, please god. Do not ever charge us for these wheelchair girl posts ever. Thats firstly. And then secondly, only after you have done the first, please give me enough food to stay alive so I can keep watching Wheelchair Girl. GOD(voice and face is disguised): the first thing you do when you are answering prayers is to look for obvious punctuation mistakes, and then sincerity. how does the phrasing of the prayers emphasize the sincerity of the request, and do they ever contradict themselves, or are they trying to get revenge by making the request, and could the request actually harm the person more than it helps them, and do they want me to do the opposite of what they are asking for, and if I do nothing, then is that exactly what they wanted all along, and by doing nothing am I doing EVERYTHING. You know what, fuck this shit, you be God, Wheelchair Girl. You be God and judge the world and hand out justice. I am giving you a new show in the Fall called "Wheel Time with wheelchair girl". Let's see how you can handle the heat in the kitchen. Coming this Fall!!! ummmmmmmmm, yeah!(explosion graphic)
  5. wheelchair girl

    Episode 235 — Concert Buddies

    TRAILER FOR THE NEXT TRAILER: a video clip humanoid amalgamation is sitting on a couch inside a trailer, and then five MTV tv shows in humanoid form walk by and out of the trailer. He shouts after them, "i taught you everything you know!!!" "waaaalllkkkk of shaaaaame!!!" "umm, umm, jump cut, edit, jump cut, edit, music, music". "where do you think you learned to fuck with video like that", "it was meeeeee", "it has always been meeeeee'. "teen mom?,,umm, that has waaaay more of me in it than you want to know! That's my sperm people all over those teens", "um yeah. fix that one in editing for me, and wipe my video butt"."Did video kill the radio star?? Or was it mah dick?"
  6. wheelchair girl

    Episode 235 — Concert Buddies

    TRAILER FOR NEXT WHEELCHAIR GIRL MOVIE: you can see someone watching a computer screen, and you look a little closer and its you, and then the camera pans out to show the person who is watching you, and its you again, and then it pans out further and you see that everything is happening inside a large russian woman who is about to lay a nesting egg, and that is why their country is never as good as ours, and we win the olympics for the billionth time in a row, but we find out that perfect bodies aren't everything in life, and Russia is married for love and not sex, and gets the last laugh, but laughter is the best medecine and it cures our STD's, and no body wins, and equality gets the last laugh, and everyone is sort of a loser but not really.
  7. wheelchair girl

    Episode 235 — Concert Buddies

    HAHAHAHAHAHAH. that is way funnier than marv albert's "facial"!! because marv is trying way too hard to be funny.
  8. wheelchair girl

    Episode 235 — Concert Buddies

    EPISODE 69: "POST" COITUM You have just got home from work and you walk into the post and everything is out of place and it looks like there has been a struggle. You call out for Wheelchair Girl, and wait for her to fall down the stairs or maybe wave to you from the living room just before a car bursts through the wall, but nothing happens. Something is wrong. The post is empty. All her things are strewn all over the place. What could have happened? What is the worst possible scenario in a violent home invasion like this? Could she be posting on another site? Could she be entertaining someone else right now? Is someone else using her for a couple laughs? (the phone rings, and you pick it up) "I have been watching you. You seem to have a relationship with this "wheelchair girl"..... well, If its not a relationship then why do you talk to her so much? you read her posts once a week, every week. How is that not a relationship?......Look, I have no idea how serious this relationship is, all I know is that you are investing a lot of your emotions in someone that you just met online...........Did you ask if she had a webcam? ....Why the fuck not? why would you not at least ask to talk to them on webcam,....Ok, ok, ok, this is none of my business, and I am sure you are waaaay too smart to be catfished. The reason I am calling is to demand a ransom for Wheelchair Girl. You have one second to continue reading this post or I will.... Oh, nevermind. YOU DID IT. you must really love her to give into my demands so quickly. Wheelchair girl says that you gave in almost too fast. Now she says she is on the fence about whether she wants to live with you again. Oh shit, and now the fence metaphor seems to have punctured her causing a debilitating accident, and she says she will call you back next week, saaaame place, saaaaaaaaaaaaame time, and she is winking, and you can hear it, and finger banging/gunning, and now she is folding her arms and saying THE END, ........SCEEEEEE(studio audience is going insane)NNNNNNNNN(the cheer is subsiding)NNNNNEEEE(and it starts up again twice as loud as before)EEEEEEEEE".
  9. wheelchair girl

    Episode 30 — More Barbecue Sauce

    uh oh, Aryan is the HOH. I am sure she can handle this amount of unchecked power and will resist becoming a real dictator. oh my fiucking god, I am so lonely.
  10. wheelchair girl

    Episode 30 — More Barbecue Sauce

    I am live tweeting this: what is the name of the host of Big Brother? the show has been on for 15 seasons, and this poor woman has not developed a personality at all. I think she kind of made her mind up about the show in the first season, and mentally checked out which is understandable, but its the 15th season already. She could just write some impromptu comments into her overtly scripted presence and make it look almost human. its almost like she has created barriers between herself and the show, and is uncomfortable about the show becoming too intertwined with her "real" life. Does she even comb her hair. I am not one to critique women's hair and make-up but she does not give a shit.
  11. wheelchair girl

    Episode 30 — More Barbecue Sauce

    ..and how about America choosing the MVP in the first two weeks, and then misunderstanding the vote in the 3rd week, and voting their favourite players to be nominees for eviction. hahahahha. THATS LIKE POLITICS IN AMERICA!!!
  12. wheelchair girl

    Episode 30 — More Barbecue Sauce

    backdoor jeremy, backdoor jeremy, backdoor jeremy. they said it 203 times, and by the end of the show, his gf Kaitlin was crying and actually thought something crazy was going to happen....even crazier than every cast member exclusively saving the word backdoor for this poor guy jeremy, and never using that word ever again in any other scenario. The show should have totally talked about that.
  13. wheelchair girl

    Episode 234 — Changing The Bandage

    oooohhhhhhh, sooooooooooooooooooooooooo. aaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllll iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii haaaaaave toooooooo doooooo iiisssssss ccoommplain about something and then you will all promote my show over and over agian. really? is that really what I have to do? its like beefing in the where's the beef commercials. i am supposed to be all hefty hefty hefty, and then he's like wimpy wimpy wimpy, and then my little pony, and then what if victoria's secret was the same as the cadbury secret???
  14. wheelchair girl

    Episode 234 — Changing The Bandage

    ...//wheelchair girl intro sequence and music//.... Big wheels, keep on turning Proud Mary, keep on burning Rolling, rolling, rolling on the river (past episode montage)=====> arm trapped in canyon(saws off legs), butt chugging and keg standing at the same time, struggles with a pubic's cube(symbolic), hit by a penny under the empire state building ...//theme ends//.. This week I respond to fan emails. Joe Blow writes, "Are you Steven Speilberg?" Of course not, I am "wheelchair girl". My life is my movie, my special affection is my special FX, and the colououououour purple is my "Color Purple". Joe Blow: Do YOU have a "To Do List"? I have an R2D2 List where R2D2 and C3PO go on a journey of self discovery and try to lose their virginity, but C3PO never seems to quite be able to close the deal, so they make a list of girls they want to concentrate on and plan a camping trip, and then C3PO makes a list of girls at the concentration camp he really likes, and then he follows a path of reeses peices, falls in love, then C3PO's letters are hidden from his lover, but then she finds the NOTEBOOK, and realizes its a BOOK OF SECRETS: AND A NATIONAL TREASURE. and then the movie SAW, and everyone dies and I am the only survivor because of my ability to Quantum Leap whenever I suffer any leg injury which explains all my stories which is a major premise in all of my podcasts for future reference, and you have now been inducted into the wheelchair girl Culture Club, comma, comma, comma, comma, comma-chameleon.
  15. wheelchair girl

    Episode 233 — Royal Watching

    I am outraged by the myopic attention span of the show. As if the royal baby is the center of the universe. The whole thing reminds me of the opening theme of the Teletubbies where that baby is portrayed as the sun and the center of the solar system. You cannot hypnotize me, sun-baby. My issues with babies are well documented and highly publicized as the result of a debilitating babysitting accident I suffered in my teens so I now always remain seated at all times. However, I would be very interested in this "royal baby" considering that I am the top toddler pageant talent scout in the world and I see enormous potential to sway the judges opinions if the baby already has a royal title. I like to think of myself as a "baby whisperer", or kind of like a "baby talker", and also very insincere and super sarcastic, but babies understand this tone of voice, and they know where my pain comes from and that is why they call it "baby talk". Whenever I interact with babies I hear voices very similar to the "Look Whose Talking" movies and it is usually quite delightful and watchable like that popular movie franchise, but every now and then a baby will talk to me like Tony Danza from the "Baby Talk" sitcom based on the "Look Whose Talking" movies, and I just start to feel like, this baby is not funny and is not going to make me laugh, and the whole concept of a talking baby starts to get real old, real fast. and also, Justin Beiber always sings about babies which is also a baby joke.....and then me and Beiber start a movei franchise called three men and a baby, and then we mix our crazy womanizing lifestyle with the comedy of all the women who cannot cope with their new lives as single moms, and then the credits roll on a freeze frame of a baby underwater swimming after a dollar bill.
  16. wheelchair girl

    Episode 232 — LIVE from San Diego Comic-Con

    NEW NO-NO: when paul rust gives me the strength of ten men, I have to lift a car off of a baby, and force everyone to focus on the fact that I ended up lifting the car OFF the baby, AND do it without some tragic and untimely injury to my lower body. rage comedy? ...ummmmmmm, YEAH!
  17. wheelchair girl

    Episode 231 — This Is Not Me, This Is Them

    Now its 2000 years in the future and the wheelchair girl character becomes a cultural phenomenon to the point that it warps history's perception of the 2010's, and in the year 4000, people start to think that a person actually was persecuted for spending too much time on CBB forums, and despite the implausibility of this scenario, and all the questions about why someone would even lower themselves to become a commenter and walk in their shoes and despite the horrific one hour sequence in the subsequent Mel Gibson movie where wheelchair girl is horrifically and quite graphically posting over and over ...despite all this and its fanciful nature, it becomes a world religion, and very much like today, people turn to podcasts to keep themselves from watching crazy amounts of porn.
  18. wheelchair girl

    Episode 137 — Gender Rolls

    ummmmmmmmmm, I am a huge big time troll, and I am pretty sure I just loved for the first time in my life. why is my donk hard? is there a bone in there? do people have a language where people have a shared word for your donk? I will probably find all the answers on the next podcast.
  19. wheelchair girl

    Episode 231 — This Is Not Me, This Is Them

    Have I had a stroke, or am I actually reading this? Yes and no. The wheelchair girl show quickly grew from the popularity of similar CBB posts, and went on to ten seasons and drew some unfair comparisons to Seinfeld but humbling nonetheless. I died in the finale of the last season, and it was an ironic twist on many critic's opinions that the show had grown too ironic and they felt everyone was just being fake and didn't actually care, and we were like, "maybe we don't care", .."and maybe that is the whole fucking point"..," and blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda(seinfeld comparisons again)". Long story short, when artists kill themselves its kind of a big deal, so you can imagine how successful that finale was...segway to my own personal suicide note, and I think you know where this whole thread is going. In regards to your heart attack. Yes, you had a heart attack and that is why you are able to communicate with me right now. #JK #the_giamitti_picture_is_amazing #boooooored_as_fuuuuuuuuuck #a_stroke_is_the_same_as_a_heart_attack
  20. wheelchair girl

    Episode 195 — Language Barrier

    I would really enjoy a race war where people could race and compete in sporting events from all over the world in order for there to be a cultural exchange of ideas and a sharing of the love and spirit of sport.
  21. wheelchair girl

    Episode 231 — This Is Not Me, This Is Them

    I have been reincarnated as a clone of myself by a fan who says I am an idiot for leaving so much dna all over the place. Eye contact is very subtle and erratic at the same time if that is even possible. We are eating cheetos and his mom says that she better not catch us with drugs or watching porn.
  22. wheelchair girl

    Episode 231 — This Is Not Me, This Is Them

    welcome back to season ten of wheelchair girl, and despite widespread criticism which is just a natural part of the show's enormous success, we just keep chugging along with the same indomitable spirit that made everyone fall in love with the show in the first place. There is some concern that the characters do not actually care about the people they are dating, and are callous towards their break ups, and give off a general sense of loose moral beliefs. Kramer is still everyone's favouououououourite character on the show who seems to be able to turn any word into america's favourite catchphrase and in this scenario the n-word is transformed into a meaningless gesture of absurdity and Kramer is widely regarded as the father of new conventional oral traditions in a new global community.
  23. wheelchair girl

    Episode 231 — This Is Not Me, This Is Them

    You can get lost in those eyes. They're like swimming pools.
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