You've seen novelty versions of the board game Monopoly, yes? They're the ones that feature local street names and attractions in place of the traditional Atlantic City names in the original. I know there's one sold around Madison that features UW points of interest, State Street businesses, etc.
At this point I think you've accrued enough stories to register your own novelty version of the board game CLUE. It would be called Florida CLUE and players would have to uncover, through deductive reasoning, which celebrity was under the influence of which substance while displaying which socially inept behavior. This is the only reason I can think of for the existence of the headline, "Dante Stallworth drunkenly hits power lines with hot air balloon."